[0:00]Hello.
[0:02]So, I started my new world today as a
[0:04]caretaker. Went on my route, got
[0:06]trained. It was awesome.
[0:10]Really looking forward to I think it's
[0:11]going to be amazing. Um, at my new site,
[0:14]I wanted to show you what I've been
[0:15]working on here. I'm um putting in a
[0:18]campfire myself. Quite a lot of work.
[0:22]And I'm going to go for a walk because
[0:24]I'm out of pop. I can't take my Jeep
[0:27]anywhere because it has no gas in it.
[0:29]And it doesn't have insurance on it
[0:30]anyway. So, I couldn't really be driving
[0:32]it. And I don't have any money, so I
[0:34]couldn't get Pop anyways. But my friend
[0:36]Bill, I know he got me some pop a while
[0:38]back. I just got to go get it. He's a
[0:40]camp post here a couple of miles down
[0:42]one of our campgrounds in the corridor.
[0:45]I'm just going to walk down to see him.
[0:47]But first, I want to kind of show you my
[0:48]site, but I want to frame it a certain
[0:50]way because I live in the work center,
[0:52]so it's kind of like a shared space.
[0:55]It's a little different. Um, I don't
[0:57]think it matters. It's not like um a
[0:59]secret or anything like that. I just um
[1:02]trying to respect the boundary that self
[1:06]assigned boundary I guess. But um I'll
[1:08]just show you. So I literally live in
[1:10]the center. Um well, let me turn this
[1:13]around. So I live in the center of this
[1:14]place. It's just a work center. We got a
[1:16]big building to the right. I'm over
[1:18]here. This is my shed.
[1:22]Yeah. And this is my space here. You can
[1:25]see where I'm building the campfire.
[1:28]I dug this hole myself. Had some kind of
[1:31]stuff in there because there's sand
[1:32]underneath of it. Um, all that sand. So,
[1:35]they had to put that under and then put,
[1:38]you know, dirt on top of it. I had to
[1:40]get through all of that. Oh, a lot of
[1:42]work. But this is my site over here now.
[1:46]It's pretty neat. I like it here. It's
[1:49]very quiet.
[1:51]Um, peaceful. You know, during the day
[1:54]it gets a little little busy. It is a
[1:55]work center.
[1:58]I get to drive drive my own truck.
[2:01]Government trucks. Wild to me. I can't
[2:03]believe they let volunteers do that. Of
[2:05]course, you had to take a bunch of tests
[2:06]and um you know, it's not like
[2:10]I just think it's amazing.
[2:12]Um so, we're just going to head out and
[2:14]I thought I'd talk about some things.
[2:18]It's a bit of a hike. I've been doing
[2:19]this a lot lately.
[2:21]So, I guess everything's good here.
[2:26]I'm going to walk to the back of the
[2:27]which by the way is right next to the
[2:29]ocean. Um, I don't think I'll be able to
[2:31]make it there. It's getting late, so
[2:33]it's I think like after 5. I didn't
[2:34]check the time. I think it's after 5.
[2:37]Um, it got cold um as soon as that sun
[2:40]starts going down. Oh, my gate is open.
[2:43]I'm going to have to shut that. I live
[2:46]behind the gate now. It's amazing.
[2:49]Different. Let's close the game.
[2:55]I'm responsible for this one. All right,
[2:58]let me pause this. Well, this is
[3:00]awkward. My lock just broke. Just split
[3:04]right in two.
[3:06]I don't know why. Another volunteer was
[3:08]lubricating it, thinking it would make
[3:09]it better. I think he just completely
[3:11]made it come apart. We got plenty of
[3:13]other locks, though, so I can replace
[3:15]it.
[3:20]You know, whatever. So, we'll deal with
[3:22]that. Oh, man.
[3:25]I mean, we're in the middle of a
[3:26]government shutdown. That complicates
[3:28]things. But I do know where one is. I
[3:30]actually found one. They all use the
[3:32]same keys.
[3:36]Okay, we're off.
[3:38][Music]
[3:40]It's a long way down this road.
[3:45]Oh, I'm going to be responsible for
[3:47]cleaning all this trash that people
[3:48]leaving behind and stuff.
[3:52]I'm going to take good care of this
[3:54]place.
[3:59]So, I'll show you more as we go along.
[4:02]Um,
[4:05]let's see.
[4:08]So, I'm not really hiding my location. I
[4:10]um live south of Florence. I'm in the
[4:13]Oregon Dunes and this is called Silt
[4:15]Cousoose. There's a river here called
[4:17]Silt Cous River. It's running right next
[4:20]to us.
[4:23]Um we call that a corridor. We got three
[4:25]campgrounds here. We've got um Lagoon,
[4:28]which is the first place I stayed at
[4:30]when I um when I left Honeyman when they
[4:33]kicked me out of there. I stayed at at
[4:36]Lagoon for two weeks and then applied to
[4:40]be a volunteer and all of that. explain
[4:41]my situation out of it and you know or 6
[4:45]months later. So, um from there I went
[4:49]to Driftwood which is uh a campground at
[4:51]the very end of this corridor and it's
[4:54]all ATV. Um it's an ATV campground. Lots
[4:58]of quads and motorbikes and stuff going
[5:00]to play on the dunes. I was there for
[5:02]like four or five months. I think four
[5:05]months and then I got moved to a place
[5:07]called Takenich Landing and that's
[5:10]um a little tiny campground right next
[5:12]to a lake called Tinage with a boat
[5:15]ramp. Very very beautiful place. Sorry
[5:19]about the camera angle. I'm just trying
[5:20]to deal with stuff. My pants keep
[5:21]falling down. I need a better belt, I
[5:23]guess.
[5:25]So just
[5:28]what it is, I guess. This belt sucks.
[5:32]Or I'm losing too much weight. I've been
[5:33]losing weight since I left my house a
[5:35]year and a half ago. I mean, could I
[5:37]still be losing weight? It's possible. I
[5:39]haven't checked in a while. I bet you I
[5:41]have. Um, so anyways, and then, um, we
[5:44]have Wax Myrtle, which is my favorite
[5:46]campground. It's so beautiful. It's
[5:48]amazing place, but it's closed for the
[5:49]winter. We closed that on October 1st
[5:51]and it opens in April.
[5:54]Um, one of my good friends is the park
[5:56]coast there. She's being moved for six
[5:59]months and then she'll come back. So
[6:01]that's our campground basically. Um as
[6:04]much as I would like to have it um you
[6:06]know I would never ethically um try to.
[6:10]So um unless she had moved on to
[6:13]something else and she knows that. Plus
[6:16]now I'm the caretaker. So my role is
[6:18]very different. Um I'm not on a
[6:21]campground. I basically support
[6:22]campground operations by delivering um
[6:25]the supplies to all the different
[6:26]camposts on the different campgrounds.
[6:29]And um my main duty is just cleaning the
[6:32]bathrooms at the day use areas and the
[6:35]trash.
[6:37]Um just and then beyond that I'll um you
[6:41]know keep the parking lot and areas
[6:43]clean and stuff like that.
[6:46]Um very simple maintenance role
[6:50]and I'm not too proud to do it. Not at
[6:52]all. I actually think it's wonderful. I
[6:54]I like my job. So,
[6:58]um,
[7:00]you know, I'm I'm pretty happy about it.
[7:03]I feel like I landed in a good
[7:05]situation, especially after the rupture
[7:07]I had at Honeyman.
[7:09]That really destabilized what I was
[7:11]building. And it took me a while to
[7:16]to restabilize and
[7:20]um to metabolize what they did to me.
[7:24]You know, that was so horrible that two
[7:26]months of too much of betrayal and abuse
[7:31]and it took me a while to metabolize
[7:34]that, but I'm definitely over it now.
[7:36]Um, I've built an archive and that thing
[7:39]will do what it's meant to do, whatever
[7:42]that is, cuz all I did was share the
[7:44]truth.
[7:45]Um, yeah, I think I'm just wearing the
[7:47]wrong belt. So, I only have two belts,
[7:49]but this one I don't wear it very often
[7:51]cuz I kind of know about this problem.
[7:53]It is a little worse today. But anyways,
[7:54]whatever. That sun is really bright and
[7:57]beautiful,
[8:00]but no warmth.
[8:02]Something about the afternoons.
[8:08]Sure. Walking a long way for some pop,
[8:09]aren't I? Couple miles and a couple
[8:11]miles back up a giant hill. By the way,
[8:14]I actually was down at Wax Myrtle a
[8:16]couple days ago and I got some firewood
[8:18]from from my friend there um and in a
[8:23]wagon and we dragged that thing all the
[8:24]way up here. My arm is still sore from
[8:27]that. Well, I can see myself doing stuff
[8:30]like that. So, you know, it's okay to
[8:33]have some pain if it's um recalibrating
[8:36]your body or whatever. And that's how I
[8:38]look at it. So,
[8:41]um, across the street from us is
[8:44]another, it's a day use area. It's
[8:46]called Silkus Lake Trail, and that will
[8:49]take you down to the lake. So, there's a
[8:52]river and a lake. Um, and that one's a
[8:54]really long hike. Gets 8 miles. It's um
[8:58]a circular path. takes like four miles
[9:00]to get to the lake and there's some camp
[9:02]sites back there um completely offrid
[9:06]and I don't know if we reserve them or
[9:08]not. I don't know if they're on our
[9:09]website. I'd have to check but I think
[9:11]that they're just um
[9:14]it's just free camping like you um you
[9:17]got to hike back there to camp there.
[9:18]There's no other way and I think it's
[9:21]probably just free camping but I don't
[9:22]know this for sure. But it's pretty neat
[9:24]spot. It's really neat. One day I'll
[9:26]show that. Um, I'll document that area
[9:29]because
[9:31]so that would be a nice place for people
[9:32]to um go camping.
[9:36]So,
[9:38]first place we come to is called Lodge
[9:40]Pole Picnic Area. Just a little tiny al
[9:43]cove of a place. People go there to um
[9:48]walk to let their dogs off um off leash
[9:51]and you know just play there basically
[9:53]or have picnics or whatever. And it's
[9:55]right next to the river, I think. I
[9:58]think that's the river. Let me check.
[10:01]I mean, it might just be a creek or
[10:03]something. I don't know. I got to check.
[10:04]No, it's the river cuz there's a bridge
[10:05]up here.
[10:07]So, that's the Sous River. I'll show
[10:10]you.
[10:12]Let me show you some that bathroom right
[10:14]there. That's one of the things I clean
[10:16]every day. Now, I'm okay with that. So,
[10:20]there's the river down there. It's not a
[10:22]good view. We'll get a better one up
[10:23]near the bridge.
[10:33]Um, lots of people kayak on this river
[10:35]all the time. You'll see people kaying
[10:37]and it goes right to the ocean. They
[10:40]don't kayak in the ocean, of course, but
[10:42]you know, they they take this thing real
[10:44]far. Kind of want to get one now.
[10:48]Wait a minute. Is this Well, I'm going
[10:51]to have to find out for sure. But I
[10:53]think this thing cuz I know that we're
[10:54]going we're going to encounter
[10:57]the river again. I think maybe maybe it
[11:00]just um circles around. So, I'll need to
[11:03]check that.
[11:06]We have a vehicle coming. Hold on.
[11:09]Okay.
[11:11]Still on the bridge. Pretty. I love this
[11:14]tree right here. Earlier today, I told
[11:17]someone that tree is living its best
[11:19]life across the water cuz it is.
[11:31]But yeah, I think it just winds around.
[11:33]Um, yeah, it does. It does. Um, so yeah,
[11:37]that's the one that they would take.
[11:38]They would take their kayaks on that and
[11:40]it just winds around and suck.
[11:54]Okay. So, this spot up here, uh, it
[11:57]doesn't have any like official name, but
[11:59]that is where people go who want to do
[12:01]sand camping or just play on the dunes,
[12:04]uh, as a as a staging area.
[12:08]They just put in some new signs.
[12:17]This place can get pretty busy. You'll
[12:19]see RVs going in there.
[12:22]You know, it's uh it's some effort, but
[12:24]they do it.
[12:27]I haven't seen the sand camps yet. Very
[12:30]curious about them. I've just and I've
[12:32]explored quite a lot here, but I just
[12:34]haven't seen those.
[12:36]There's a couple of them.
[12:41]It's real beautiful out here. My life
[12:43]feels very aligned.
[12:47]I have
[12:50]created something that feels unique to
[12:52]me.
[12:54]I mean
[12:55]it's just a role that you know that
[12:57]anybody could have I guess but I think
[13:00]of it differently and treat it
[13:02]differently and put it into the context
[13:04]of the larger frame of my life which
[13:09]um you know I ruptured a normal life a
[13:11]year and a half ago and emarked on the
[13:14]journey that led me here and this is
[13:15]where I ended up after
[13:18]after
[13:22]a lot of self-growth. both
[13:24]and
[13:27]and then betrayal as soon as I opened up
[13:31]that was pretty hard, you know. And um
[13:36]second I actually
[13:39]actually choose to
[13:43]interface with others.
[13:47]Oh man,
[13:49]to be treated the way I was. I mean,
[13:51]it's just it's just a shocking thing to
[13:53]me still. But I think that's the norm in
[13:55]the worlds now.
[13:58]Um,
[14:00]doesn't make it right.
[14:02]Doesn't make them right. They're they're
[14:04]not, you know,
[14:07]my life after is proof.
[14:10]We're right next to them, by the way.
[14:12]Literally connected to the same dunes.
[14:14]They're right down the road.
[14:18]Okay. So, we're maybe like halfway. Um,
[14:21]we're coming up on Lagoon and Wax
[14:24]Myrtle. They're basically at the same
[14:26]spot, just on different sides of the
[14:27]road. The first one up here is Lagoon.
[14:32]And then to the left is Wax Myrtle and
[14:34]it goes over a onecar bridge and it's
[14:38]really neat bridge. People are on that a
[14:40]lot fishing and stuff like that. Lots of
[14:42]kids do that in the summer, I noticed,
[14:44]which I thought was very cool because
[14:47]um I didn't get raised that way. I
[14:49]didn't learn to fish or anything. And
[14:52]it's just neat to see kids doing that.
[14:55]Good skills to have.
[14:58]But yeah, it's a beautiful um river.
[15:02]Really is.
[15:05]That's where we got our name from.
[15:10]We're walking towards the ocean, by the
[15:12]way. We're heading west.
[15:15]Can't really orient yourself by that
[15:17]thing. It's neat.
[15:21]Anywhere else, you'd have to orient by
[15:22]the North Star. Here, you do it by the
[15:25]ocean.
[15:34]But yeah. Um, so caretaker roll that
[15:36]only lasts a year. Um,
[15:39]and I could continue volunteering after
[15:42]that, but I'd have to be a camp host
[15:44]again and really would prefer to be a
[15:46]wax myrtle or lagoon, but the people who
[15:49]are there, they've been there quite a
[15:50]long time and you know, they're doing a
[15:52]good job and um I have no idea what
[15:55]their plans are, but assume that they're
[15:57]not going anywhere.
[16:00]My friend over here, I don't know what
[16:01]she's planning to do. She's not here
[16:02]right now.
[16:04]She went She went somewhere south to to
[16:06]visit. Those cars are just people
[16:09]hiking. There's a gate over there to the
[16:12]campground. It's locked.
[16:14]This over here is a lagoon.
[16:18]That's where this campground gets its
[16:19]name.
[16:22]Um I don't know if the lagoon has a
[16:24]name. I mean, we literally call it the
[16:26]lagoon trail, that sign says.
[16:29]But this is our lagoon. It is a neat
[16:31]trail. Very cool trail. Definitely worth
[16:33]taking.
[16:35]I love that trail.
[16:38]But we're going to keep going this way.
[16:39]We're going all the way to the back of
[16:40]the park.
[16:43]It's where Driftwood is at.
[16:47]First place after Honeymoon.
[16:50]And
[17:01]you can probably imagine that after
[17:03]honeyman
[17:05]um out of necessity,
[17:08]you know, I started volunteering for the
[17:10]Forest Service,
[17:12]man was I closed off. Like I did not
[17:15]know
[17:17]how to
[17:21]I mean it became a trust issue like can
[17:23]you trust institutions people and them
[17:25]all of that and my my my
[17:30]orientation has changed definitely not
[17:32]as trusting but I have come to deeply
[17:36]respect the people I work with and the
[17:39]institution I think the forest service
[17:41]is quite amazing
[17:44]um
[17:47]wish I had encountered them first. I
[17:49]guess
[17:51]that would have been a game changer.
[17:53]Actually, hadn't had that thought until
[17:56]just this moment. But yeah, I wish I had
[17:58]encountered them first cuz you know when
[18:00]I got to Huntman, I applied for a job
[18:02]there cuz I wanted to be a ranger and I
[18:05]think that was part of the problem. I
[18:06]think that the supervisor there
[18:09]um
[18:12]I'm not going to to guess at what she
[18:15]was thinking. I just know that she was
[18:16]the source of everything that happened
[18:19]and she was the one responsible for
[18:20]hiring and she did not react well to me
[18:23]applying for a job. And then, you know,
[18:26]less than 2 months later, I was thrown
[18:28]out on my ass by them
[18:31]for no no good reason,
[18:34]fully documented, proven.
[18:39]So,
[18:41]you know, I would have done that here. I
[18:43]probably would have volunteered here and
[18:44]thought, "Okay, Forester, pretty cool.
[18:46]Let's apply for a job somewhere."
[18:48]But now, now I don't want to I don't
[18:52]want to be that coupled to any
[18:54]institution ever again. Uh Honeyman, the
[18:58]Oregon State Parks, that was my first
[19:00]attempt at institutional belonging and
[19:03]they have ruined it for me for the rest
[19:04]of my life.
[19:07]So there's no way.
[19:11]Um
[19:14]but I am glad that I belong
[19:18]um in some way
[19:21]to this institution. You know I'm
[19:25]um contributing to Federal Land to the
[19:28]Oregon dunes
[19:31]and
[19:33]just does feel really aligned. It truly
[19:36]does.
[19:37]Won't last forever. I can't um for a lot
[19:40]of reasons,
[19:43]but it's working for now and that's all
[19:46]I need. I just need now because I'm
[19:48]trying to rebuild a life
[19:52]from a completely different perspective
[19:55]than
[19:56]well consensus reality. You know, I'm
[20:00]I'm following my own signal now. Truly,
[20:02]I am. And it has
[20:07]brought me far. I know that I'm on the
[20:09]right path. I'm do not question this
[20:11]even a little bit.
[20:13]I know that from the outside my
[20:15]situation looks dire and it is. I'm less
[20:19]than a week away from my Jeep being um
[20:22]put into repossession status, which is I
[20:24]don't think is something you can get out
[20:25]of once it starts. So, I have less than
[20:27]a week to save my Jeep. And I don't have
[20:30]a solution for that. I have been trying
[20:32]to get work with someone that I think
[20:34]would be very aligned. Um, but I think
[20:37]that there is um
[20:44]I don't know yet. I just don't know. I
[20:46]think that this think there's some
[20:47]ambiguity and it's not clear if this
[20:50]person will or can help. And
[20:58]you know, that just is what it is.
[21:01]But from the outside, I know how my life
[21:03]looks.
[21:05]But that's because
[21:07]most people are not operating from a
[21:09]place of reality. They're not looking at
[21:11]the world the way that it actually is.
[21:13]They're not seeing our systems breaking
[21:15]and doing something about it. They're
[21:18]sleepwalking,
[21:20]not me.
[21:22]I'm building a life that's sustainable
[21:24]with or without them, with or without
[21:27]our systems.
[21:29]And
[21:31]being this precarious has certainly
[21:33]taught me what it might be like. So, and
[21:36]you can see I'm handling it just fine.
[21:38]You know, doing my best, perfectly
[21:40]coherent, happy, aligned,
[21:44]moving forwards.
[21:47]I can't wait for everybody else to catch
[21:49]up. So,
[21:52]one step in front of the other, even if
[21:53]it means walking a couple miles to get
[21:55]yourself a pop. So, you know, is what it
[21:59]is.
[22:02]I've got some
[22:05]ATVers up here. They're not supposed to
[22:08]be here. Well, that's a vehicle, though.
[22:10]They can do that.
[22:13]Um, but anyways, mom looks like it might
[22:15]be cute.
[22:19]Still single, man. I don't know how
[22:21]that's possible.
[22:24]I mean, I'm awesome.
[22:28]We're real close now. We're almost
[22:30]there. I'm going to pause this for a
[22:32]sec. Okay, we're at Driftwood.
[22:37]Wasn't that far from where I was, but
[22:40]just want to get past those people. I
[22:41]like respect and privacy.
[22:44]I walked this a lot of times. I used to
[22:46]take the dog buddy um on walks up here.
[22:48]We sometimes will go to the ocean. my
[22:51]friends that we're going to see. Um, he
[22:54]has a dog named Buddy and I used to live
[22:56]next to him for those first four months
[22:58]and I got close to this dog and took him
[23:00]for lots and lots of walks. Big dog.
[23:04]Um,
[23:07]so he always likes it when I show up. I
[23:11]definitely want to be a part of the
[23:12]dog's life because, you know, he's a
[23:14]good dog. Even thought about getting my
[23:17]own. Hold on. But I don't know if I
[23:19]could handle that kind of
[23:20]responsibility,
[23:22]taking care of another life like that.
[23:27]I've been thinking about it. I just
[23:28]don't know. And if you The only way to
[23:30]find out is to get a dog. But if it
[23:32]doesn't work out, then what an awful
[23:35]situation to be in. So So I haven't
[23:38]moved on it.
[23:40]I can go see this dog, though.
[23:46]Really hear the ocean now.
[23:48]It's right behind us.
[24:02]So over here,
[24:04]that's the trail onto the dunes for the
[24:06]ATVs. That's the main purpose of this
[24:08]campground. I'm walking into it now. So,
[24:11]I'm going to flip the camera.
[24:17]That's a new sign.
[24:25]So, yeah. We're already going to go see
[24:26]my friend. See if I can get some pop.
[24:31]And then I'm going to go back and I'm
[24:32]going to finish putting my fire pit
[24:34]together. I'm going to start a fire. I'm
[24:36]just going to hang out for the rest of
[24:37]the night.
[24:39]start my job again in the morning.
[24:51]Anybody before we go.
[25:02]Okay, he's got his door open. Oh, I
[25:04]think I hear him. Oh, he's got plenty of
[25:06]firewood, too. Of course. I use firewood
[25:08]always.
[25:10]He's very good about giving me firewood.
[25:12]I can't carry that back too much. Oh,
[25:14]there they are. They're already out.
[25:19]Okay, hold on.
[25:20]All the way over here.
[25:21]I saw buddy.
[25:25]Your park is empty.
[25:29]Oh, hold on.
[25:30]Here's Buddy.
[25:32]They have been hidden before.
[25:36]Hi buddy. Hi.
[25:40]I see you
[25:42]right under here.