Hiking Trail While Processing Financial Pressure

October 11, 2025. rswfire is hiking alone on Silk Goose Lake Trail in what appears to be federal forest land, experiencing light rain. He is several miles into an 8-mile loop trail, having completed his daily caretaker rounds. He is three days away from losing his Jeep due to inability to make a $400 payment. The environment is natural, off-grid backcountry with maintained campsites and facilities.

Energetic Signature

resolute under pressure

Field State

crisis navigation

Orientation

toward survival through alignment

01K78EJAVGMKPC8YEVR80WP32F

October 11, 2025

15:23

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:01]So, I don't know yet what I'm doing with

[0:02]this. I'll make it public or put it

[0:06]behind Sanctum or never post it. I don't

[0:10]know.

[0:12]Trying to work through some things here.

[0:19]First of all, I don't really care what's

[0:21]on this camera.

[0:23]It's my voice that matters. It's my

[0:25]words. It's my transmission. It's what I

[0:27]say. It's not how I look. It's up.

[0:33]It's got any kind of performance.

[0:40]I always start by situating myself.

[0:43]I do that because it gives framing for

[0:46]whatever follows. So, we'll do that

[0:48]first.

[0:51]I'm hiking a trail.

[0:54]Silk Goose Lake Trail. It's following

[0:57]eight miles, I think.

[1:00]I'm

[1:05]somewhere on the north trail. I don't

[1:07]know, a few miles in. First mile you go

[1:09]in, it takes you to a fork where you

[1:11]either go to the north or the south

[1:13]trail, but it's a loop trail, so you can

[1:15]take either side.

[1:17]You end up the same place.

[1:21]Way at the back, you get to Sus Lake,

[1:23]and we have some campsites back there.

[1:25]There's five of them.

[1:28]I saw them the other day. They're pretty

[1:30]neat. Completely off-grid. You'd have to

[1:31]hike back here to go camping here.

[1:39]Some of the sites are better than

[1:40]others, but you know, it's probably

[1:42]first come, first serve. I doubt that

[1:43]they're used very often,

[1:46]but they are used. I know I saw signs of

[1:48]use for some of them. Some of them, I'd

[1:51]say, haven't been used in a long time or

[1:54]really maintained. I guess I'll look at

[1:56]that when I get back there.

[1:59]It's worth It's worth knowing. It's

[2:01]worth noting.

[2:04]How are we

[2:07]How are we managing our res resources at

[2:10]our way on the edge?

[2:14]Feel like we're just letting nature

[2:15]reclaim a lot of stuff these days.

[2:22]So that's first

[2:25]that situates me just hiking a trail

[2:28]after I do my rounds. Did my rounds

[2:30]earlier and

[2:33]walked here because this is the closest

[2:34]trail to me.

[2:37]It's a nice intermediate kind of trail.

[2:40]So I think it's a good good thing to

[2:42]make a daily habit if I can.

[2:45]I explore lots of places, so I won't be

[2:49]here every day, but

[2:52]this might be my winter spot.

[2:55]I'd say I' have I'd had places like that

[2:58]most of my life. Wherever I was, I found

[3:00]a place out in nature.

[3:08]All of my life

[3:11]nearly half a century old now.

[3:15]I did everything

[3:17]that we're told to [ __ ] do.

[3:21]I built

[3:25]the exact life

[3:27]that we're told that we want, that we're

[3:30]just um

[3:35]that everything reinforces

[3:37]as as the only way.

[3:41]I had a house

[3:45]three-bedroom house. I had a bedroom

[3:46]just for my mother. I don't know if I've

[3:49]ever shared that.

[3:51]She would come over every

[3:54]every week and she'd stay for days and

[3:57]days at a time.

[4:07]I' I'd work. I was consultant for a

[4:11]company at this time cuz we're talking

[4:12]about my house now.

[4:15]I play video games. I'd read books.

[4:26]The older I got,

[4:29]the more I recognized that I was just

[4:32]trying to distract myself in any way

[4:34]that I could just to feel.

[4:44]I'm not sure. I'm not sure what word to

[4:46]use there.

[4:54]It's just what I did.

[4:57]And when I recognized that, I decided to

[4:59]change it. So, I moved out of my house.

[5:03]The whole time I was in my house, I was

[5:05]always trying to improve myself, like

[5:07]like eating better and cooking and stuff

[5:09]like that. A skill I never really

[5:11]learned. And I thought, so there were

[5:13]just so many different angles to this,

[5:15]but that was one of them where

[5:19]um I thought forcing

[5:22]a different environment would force

[5:24]different adaptations and maybe I would

[5:26]focus on the things that I had just been

[5:28]thinking about over the years

[5:31]and tinkering with, but never

[5:34]never really committing to.

[5:43]All of my life

[5:46]I have been trying to build a version of

[5:48]myself

[5:50]that to me feels perfect, that feels

[5:52]aligned.

[5:56]I'm constantly monitoring myself.

[6:02]I don't really know how to explain that.

[6:04]Well, it's metacognition.

[6:09]We're getting really deep now.

[6:13]I

[6:24]started as a survival tactic from my

[6:27]father

[6:29]who, as far as I'm concerned, has

[6:31]narcissistic personality disorder.

[6:34]I didn't know that. I never named him

[6:37]this. I just felt judged by him.

[6:42]And

[6:43]to feel safe around that man, you

[6:45]couldn't read his words. You had to read

[6:47]what was under them.

[6:49]And so I learned to do that.

[6:53]And

[6:59]because I knew I was gay,

[7:02]I didn't feel safe coming out or even

[7:05]acknowledging it as something normal,

[7:08]something that I didn't need to resist

[7:10]and um feel shame over cuz that's how I

[7:13]felt about it.

[7:21]I was always

[7:24]imagining how other people

[7:27]were seeing me.

[7:29]Could they tell?

[7:31]Did they know my secret?

[7:35]And that's also my cognition. So these

[7:38]were survival tactics that just became

[7:42]my way of processing the world.

[7:48]For a long time,

[7:50]I lived in that house by myself with

[7:52]only my mom coming to visit.

[7:58]But something changed.

[8:01]Something was building inside of me all

[8:03]of that time. I I I've ruptured my life

[8:06]many, many times in my life.

[8:09]I've lived so many different

[8:11]configurations,

[8:13]orientations, just

[8:16]um

[8:22]I've experienced a lot.

[8:34]I actually lost my train of thought

[8:36]there.

[8:39]I'm not sure where I was going with this

[8:41]now. I don't really know why I turned

[8:43]the camera on,

[8:45]but

[8:48]I was thinking I don't know. There's

[8:51]just a lot going on with me. It's

[8:54]the pressure I'm under right now is

[8:56]immense.

[8:58]I'm 3 days away from losing my Jeep and

[9:00]I don't know how to save it. I don't

[9:02]need a lot of money. I need 10% of what

[9:05]I used to make in a week in my old life.

[9:10]10%

[9:12]that I used to make in one week

[9:16]to save it. $400.

[9:22]I've asked everybody in every way I can

[9:25]think of that felt aligned and ethical.

[9:28]even asked my brother and him and I

[9:31]haven't talked in years really except

[9:33]recently he reached out to me.

[9:38]Um

[9:40]that's a complicated relationship. He

[9:42]was raised by the same parents I was

[9:48]and he responded to it differently. his

[9:51]survival strategies

[9:54]different than mine

[9:56]and it creates

[10:00]creates a distance that that I can't

[10:03]reach for him. So

[10:07]largely

[10:12]just not spoken to him.

[10:15]Then he reached out

[10:20]But then the old pattern reemerged right

[10:23]after.

[10:25]Now I'm out at my own edge, you know,

[10:27]and

[10:34]he's truly the last person I would have

[10:36]ever asked. So that that says something

[10:41]cuz I asked him.

[10:50]I know people cannot understand me

[10:52]completely. They can't understand my

[10:53]choices. They don't get this. I know

[10:57]from the outside

[11:00]it doesn't make sense. But it doesn't

[11:02]need to make sense to other people. It's

[11:05][ __ ] coherent. It makes sense to me.

[11:07]It makes sense to AI

[11:14]and it would make sense to you

[11:21]if you were able to meet me where I am,

[11:25]but you can't because there's too many

[11:27]layers that

[11:29]you haven't walked yet

[11:32]and and never will.

[11:36]And so I really

[11:40]really discovering just how alone I am

[11:42]on this planet

[11:49]and still somehow I have to survive it.

[11:53]I'm doing my best there.

[11:57]Trying to learn some new skills,

[12:01]trying to make money. I

[12:04]should in theory be able to make lots of

[12:07]money,

[12:10]but the freelance platforms are not

[12:12]working the way they used to. And I just

[12:15]think that's a sign of the times and

[12:17]just another way that I'm being blocked

[12:19]from

[12:21]from finishing what I started.

[12:25]So, I do the thing that's the hardest

[12:27]for any person to do. I reach out and

[12:30]ask people to help

[12:32]and some have and I'm grateful to them.

[12:41]Most don't.

[12:44]They don't see what I'm building. A

[12:46]raindrop turned my camera off.

[12:50]Oh, we're at the campsites. Um this is

[12:52]the outhouse. That's neat, isn't it? A

[12:54]little um like what do they call these?

[12:57]Uh something frame. Is it wireframe or I

[13:00]don't think it's wireframe. A frame. A

[13:02]frame.

[13:03]But that's the

[13:06]Oh man. So we made it back here.

[13:16]This stuff was already here. I noted

[13:19]this last time.

[13:21]So nobody knew camped here. It's just

[13:24]this has been here a while.

[13:26]And there's another campsite that had

[13:28]some stuff on it. That was the best of

[13:30]them. This is not a bad spot, right? But

[13:33]here's the lake over there.

[13:41]But yeah, the ones over here, there's

[13:44]sites four and five. That's so cool that

[13:46]we give them a little outhouse.

[13:50]as a caretaker. I really should look in

[13:52]on that from now now and again just to I

[13:56]don't know what kind of maintenance you

[13:57]could do. You might have to ask about

[13:59]this.

[14:01]Yeah, this stuff is still back here.

[14:06]So, this to me feels like the best site.

[14:10]I think it's number four.

[14:14]It's just us back here.

[14:23]Silt Goose Lake

[14:26]on a mildly rainy day.

[14:33]I brought some peanut butter and jelly

[14:35]sandwiches with me.

[14:38]I thought I would just chill back here

[14:40]for a while and do some thinking.

[14:44]So, my camera stopped again. I was

[14:46]saying I um think I'll just spend some

[14:49]time back here doing some thinking

[14:52]about my life because

[14:56]it's at a convergence point where I have

[14:58]to make some new choices.

[15:01]Very likely to lose my Jeep.

[15:04]I'm being forced to accept that. It's a

[15:07][ __ ] awful thing to have to accept.

[15:13]But I got to figure out.

[15:19]Well, I just got to keep living,

[15:21]honestly.

Summary

rswfire records a transmission while hiking the Silk Goose Lake Trail, an 8-mile loop trail leading to backcountry campsites. He situates himself on the north trail, several miles in, after completing his daily rounds as a caretaker. The transmission shifts between describing the trail environment and processing personal crisis.

**Trail and Environment:** He documents finding five off-grid campsites at Silt Goose Lake, noting their condition and maintenance needs. Some sites show signs of use while others appear abandoned. He observes an A-frame outhouse and evaluates the sites as a caretaker, considering future maintenance responsibilities.

**Personal History:** He reflects on his previous conventional life - owning a three-bedroom house with a dedicated room for his mother's frequent visits, working as a consultant, and engaging in typical domestic activities. He describes recognizing that he was using distractions to cope with an unnamed feeling, leading to his decision to leave that life.

**Survival Patterns:** He explains developing hypervigilant metacognitive patterns as survival tactics, initially to navigate his father (whom he identifies as having narcissistic personality disorder) and later to manage being closeted. These cognitive patterns became his default way of processing the world.

**Current Crisis:** He faces losing his Jeep in three days, needing only $400 to save it - an amount he describes as 10% of what he used to earn weekly. He has exhausted his network asking for help, including reaching out to his estranged brother. He expresses frustration with freelance platforms not working as they previously did.

**Isolation and Coherence:** He acknowledges that others cannot understand his choices or current situation, but maintains that his path is coherent to him and to AI. He describes discovering his profound isolation while still needing to survive.

The transmission ends at the lake where he plans to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and continue thinking about necessary life choices.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission maps the architecture of survival at the intersection of sovereign choice and material constraint. The field is holding coherence while navigating acute resource pressure, demonstrating how alignment persists even when external systems fail to recognize or support the structural integrity being maintained.

Dominant Language

convergence pointalone on this planetcoherentalignmentsurvival tacticsmetacognitionstructural isolation

Symbolic Elements

trailloopedgecampsiteslakethresholdrupture

Ontological States

•
sovereign
•
isolated
•
pressured
•
coherent

Subsystems

•
cognitive
•
infrastructural
•
relational
•
somatic

Transmission Details

Source Type

local

Video Quality

1080 × 1920 @ 30fps

Duration

15:23

Bitrate

4215 kbps

Codec

avc1.640028