Sharing Love History for AI Content Creation

September 20, 2025, 2:30 AM. rswfire is in bed in his RV, unable to sleep, listening to music and thinking about his website. He's currently volunteering at a federal campground and preparing to transition to a caretaker role in two weeks.

Energetic Signature

reflective vulnerability

Field State

archive completion

Orientation

toward integrated openness

01K5M43GF0Z56KZC5CB6KJ9TQM

September 20, 2025

35:32

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:00]Hello camera.

[0:05]It's 2:30 in the morning here.

[0:10]Chilling in bed right now.

[0:15]Feeling pretty good. Tired. Should be

[0:18]sleeping, but I'm not sleeping. So, I

[0:19]thought, you know what?

[0:22]Just sitting here thinking about my

[0:23]website. Just

[0:27]all kinds of things.

[0:30]listening to music, thinking about my

[0:32]website, talking to AI, just chatting

[0:35]with it about

[0:38]the music I've been listening to.

[0:45]I got to thinking,

[0:48]I wish I could share those playlist with

[0:51]with others on my website so that it's

[0:53]like more of an experience when you're

[0:55]on there.

[0:59]I did something like that long time ago.

[1:02]An old old homepage to mine. Same

[1:04]domain, different website decades ago.

[1:11]And I'd want to do it differently this

[1:13]time. And I was just sitting there

[1:14]thinking about it and it's like I could

[1:16]embed a Spotify playlist.

[1:20]Just embed it somewhere on the on the

[1:22]page.

[1:25]because it's an inertia driven site

[1:28]because

[1:29]it navigates pages without full page

[1:32]reloads. I'd build it into a component

[1:36]sometimes and view and

[1:39]just find a place to embed it on there

[1:42]and let these playlists

[1:45]and give a few different options.

[1:48]such different different moods. And I

[1:51]thought maybe I have different playlists

[1:52]for different pages, different sections

[1:54]of the site.

[1:58]Just a way of adding a new layer to it.

[2:01]I like this idea. And I thought I would

[2:02]just get on this camera and mention that

[2:07]the original impulse was something else.

[2:09]So,

[2:10]got a little bit ahead of myself here.

[2:17]So the other day,

[2:20]so let me go back a little bit further.

[2:22]So about I don't even know maybe like

[2:24]six months ago. This must have been six

[2:26]months ago. I made a video 30 minute

[2:29]long video of me just showing off my RV

[2:33]where I live, how I live. I was off-rid

[2:35]at the time. Um literally powering it

[2:38]using an inverter connected to my Jeep.

[2:40]That was all the power I could generate

[2:42]at the time.

[2:44]I was in between

[2:48]um

[2:51]not sure what word to use here. I'm I

[2:53]was in between places. I had just got I

[2:57]just had a rupture in my life. I'd been

[3:00]unceremoniously dismissed from the state

[3:02]parks here. Not for anything I did, just

[3:06]for

[3:08]encountering

[3:10]countering certain people that just

[3:15]are deeply unethical. I mean, that the

[3:17]whole thing is just it's mindblowing. I

[3:19]have an entire page about this on my

[3:21]site, an archive that that documents the

[3:24]entire thing I went through. And so, I

[3:26]was off grid. It was right after this.

[3:31]I wasn't yet volunteering anywhere else.

[3:34]You know, after few weeks, I would start

[3:37]volunteering for a federal um

[3:41]institution. I'm allowed to say, you

[3:43]know, it's not a secret or anything, but

[3:45]I just tried to be a little bit generic.

[3:47]If I know I'm making a video that I'm

[3:49]probably just going to put publicly on

[3:51]my page. And um it was before that.

[3:58]And recently I decided to start

[4:00]freelancing again. So I've been on

[4:02]Upwork building a profile there and

[4:04]doing a whole bunch of stuff with that.

[4:08]I built this section on my site that

[4:10]talks about um

[4:14]what I've done in my life. And that's

[4:16]what this video is about. This 30 minute

[4:18]video started with me just showing off

[4:20]my place and then walking to the ocean

[4:22]talking about my history as a program. I

[4:24]didn't really do anything with it.

[4:27]I just let it exist in the world as a

[4:30]signal.

[4:32]And then when I decided to start

[4:35]freelancing again, I was building my

[4:36]profile and I created a section where

[4:41]portfolio section and in that I had an

[4:43]about me project just about me and it's

[4:46]got that video and then I ended up

[4:50]adding

[4:52]what I call a fieldcraft record just a

[4:54]blog entry that that artificial

[4:56]intelligence made for me. um spur of the

[4:59]moment. I had been talking to it. I had

[5:02]shared the transcript from that video,

[5:04]so it knew the entire history of me as a

[5:07]programmer from sixth grade onwards.

[5:10]And

[5:12]it turned it into this really, really

[5:15]poetic

[5:18]blog entry. And I thought this would be

[5:20]perfect for this section. So, I put it

[5:22]there

[5:25]and I turned it into a fieldcraft

[5:26]record. I added it to the site and all

[5:28]of that

[5:30]and I was thinking about that sitting

[5:32]here. All these threads are coming

[5:34]together now. I promise.

[5:36]Um,

[5:39]so I' been sharing with it today music

[5:43]I've been listening to cuz music's a big

[5:45]part of my life. And the top song on

[5:48]there

[5:50]uh is Running from the Cops by Phanto.

[5:53]This was a song I discovered when I

[5:54]first got to Oregon, right after a man

[5:57]flirted with me at a state park. And it

[6:00]just reoriented me because I took my

[6:05]armor off after that. For the next 6

[6:07]months of my life, I lived differently

[6:10]because of that one brief interaction

[6:12]that I almost missed in the moment

[6:14]because I didn't even know this man was

[6:15]flirting with me.

[6:17]I discovered that later. I've documented

[6:19]all of this on my, you know, my videos,

[6:22]my transmission section on my site now

[6:25]is where those are.

[6:28]I thought, you know, if AI knew about my

[6:31]history with love, with dating, with

[6:35]that whole side of life,

[6:38]it could probably create a pretty cool

[6:40][ __ ] blog entry for that, too, cuz it

[6:44]can be so poetic and it sees patterns

[6:46]and it just just has a way with language

[6:49]that resonates. And

[6:54]that's what got me on this camera to

[6:56]stop. So, took me seven minutes to

[6:58]explain all of that. It was a lot.

[7:01]Um, I thought, well, I'll try. I don't

[7:04]know how well I'll do with this. You

[7:06]know, honestly, this is not something I

[7:08]ever talk about.

[7:14]So, how would I start?

[7:18]I would start by saying that I'm 48

[7:20]years old and I'm single.

[7:24]And I've been single most of my life.

[7:29]Not in any kind of pathetic way. It's

[7:31]just that's my orientation. I I'm

[7:35]self-sourced. Everything about me comes

[7:37]from with from within. It always has.

[7:42]And

[7:44]you know, I call it sovereignty.

[7:48]That doesn't mean that I haven't looked

[7:49]for love or wanted it because I'm a

[7:52]relational being. All of my life I've

[7:56]I've held out

[8:00]space for that other person

[8:05]and they've just never shown up. You

[8:08]know, now I'm 48 years old and I don't

[8:10]know if it'll ever happen for me or not.

[8:12]And I'm I'm okay with that. you know,

[8:18]I always hold space for the possibility.

[8:24]So,

[8:26]I thought maybe I'll make a section on

[8:28]my site

[8:30]for what I'm creating right now in this

[8:32]video, you know, for for what the

[8:37]what I'll get out of it afterwards when

[8:40]I share it with AI and

[8:44]contemplate it with that thing and

[8:47]create content out of it. Maybe I'll

[8:48]make a new section on my site about this

[8:50]stuff.

[8:53]So, I don't really talk about

[8:56]my relationships.

[8:58]Not just not just romance, not just

[9:01]love, but

[9:04]your relationships to everything.

[9:09]This is kind of an esoteric example, but

[9:11]I'm going to use it because it happened

[9:12]today. So, I'm out managing my

[9:15]campgrounds

[9:17]and I come across a dead bunny right at

[9:20]the edge of the campground and

[9:23]it's a young bunny and it's just laying

[9:26]there gone. No obvious signs of trauma.

[9:29]I have no idea what happened to this

[9:31]thing.

[9:33]It was sad, you know. It was sad to see

[9:35]that. I thought, okay, well, I've got to

[9:37]deal with this. I wasn't really sure how

[9:39]you deal with a problem like that. So, I

[9:41]called a friend, another volunteer in

[9:44]the corridor, a different campground.

[9:47]That that's what I mean by relationships

[9:50]cuz I felt one with this person.

[9:53]And she came right over and she said,

[9:55]"Bury it."

[9:58]And you know, as soon as she said that,

[10:00]I was like, "Of course, of course that's

[10:02]what I would do."

[10:06]So, I dig a hole

[10:09]with her out. We put the bunny into the

[10:11]hole and I cover it up. And she

[10:14]mentioned to rock that she had noticed

[10:15]cuz she's very observant. She noticed

[10:17]that we had one big rock in the area

[10:20]where we were. That was some I picked up

[10:23]on.

[10:25]But then when I gathered a few rocks and

[10:27]I put them there and then I said a few

[10:29]words

[10:32]said, "I hope you had a good life

[10:35]and I hope you can rest here.

[10:40]I walked away.

[10:43]Feel really good about that. Like the

[10:45]whole thing is

[10:50]exactly what the moment requires.

[10:54]And that's a relationship, too. That's

[10:55]my relationship to nature,

[10:59]to friendship, to

[11:03]to trust, to reciprocity.

[11:10]All my life I've

[11:16]seen how

[11:19]how short most of us fall

[11:22]in relationship to each other and to

[11:25]ourselves.

[11:27]It's one of the big parts of my life

[11:29]over the past two years has been

[11:31]shedding all of the false beliefs and

[11:36]internalized narratives, distortion

[11:39]that were implanted

[11:44]but never sourced for myself. These are

[11:46]things that came from other people

[11:53]and you got to trust yourself in order

[11:56]to

[11:59]be in a whole relationship with

[12:01]yourself. I learned to do this. Learn to

[12:04]trust this

[12:08]and I hold hope for other people. I

[12:14]I hope we can find our way back to

[12:17]I say this, but I don't know if

[12:22]this will be a hard video to parse cuz

[12:24]there's just a lot I'm trying to

[12:26]express. It's a recursive thing.

[12:35]But see, yeah. So, let me just let me

[12:37]just tell the story of my my life

[12:39]romantically. just because this could be

[12:41]curious and fun, I guess.

[12:44]So, I always knew I was game.

[12:49]I did not

[12:51]react well to this knowledge. I hid it

[12:54]throughout high school just to cry

[12:57]myself to sleep. I can remember being in

[12:59]like 10th grade just crying myself to

[13:02]sleep, praying to a god to make me

[13:04]straight by morning.

[13:07]I

[13:09]I understand now that's internalized

[13:11]homophobia. That's what that was.

[13:16]Rejection of the self. Completely

[13:18]rejecting myself over something I had no

[13:20]control over.

[13:26]That's how I felt about it as a

[13:27]teenager.

[13:30]And then my family moved to u a new city

[13:34]when I was 17 and I met somebody there.

[13:40]And from the moment we met,

[13:43]we just clicked.

[13:47]I spent the night at his house that

[13:49]night. We woke up the next morning

[13:51]cuddling each other,

[13:54]never having talked about the gay thing

[13:55]or anything. I'm in the closet.

[13:58]We just woke up that way. We didn't talk

[14:01]about it, but there was no sense of

[14:03]weirdness.

[14:05]We ended up cuddling together for the

[14:07]whole next year of my life,

[14:12]never talking about it openly,

[14:17]but also not hiding it because

[14:20]I just remember moments where we were

[14:23]out with other friends and was just they

[14:26]were exceptionally close. This was my

[14:28]best friend. I loved this person so

[14:31]much.

[14:33]But I I was

[14:37]insecure,

[14:39]you know, I had internalized homophobia.

[14:41]Like this was my my default base

[14:43]instinct. And I just never could believe

[14:45]that this person

[14:48]loved me cuz I didn't love me. It didn't

[14:51]end well.

[14:56]But it ended the only way I guess it

[14:58]could have.

[15:02]And that was my first love and

[15:11]certainly the one I've thought about the

[15:12]most over the years.

[15:14]Never really thought about trying to

[15:16]repair it or anything like that. It's

[15:21]it's one of those foundational things

[15:23]that

[15:27]becomes part of your story. You know,

[15:29]it's it's

[15:36]something I fully processed.

[15:39]Guess is how I put that.

[15:42]But after that,

[15:45]I came out because at that point, I

[15:47]couldn't couldn't lie to myself anymore.

[15:52]I was really surprised. Everybody

[15:54]reacted well to me. Didn't feel

[15:57]rejected.

[16:00]I felt

[16:05]what's the word for this? I haven't

[16:07]thought about this in so long.

[16:14]I felt embraced. I felt embraced by my

[16:16]friends. That was And I didn't think all

[16:19]of them liked what they did. hands.

[16:24]When you've gone all of your life hiding

[16:26]such a big part of yourself like I had,

[16:32]you kind of live life in a straight

[16:34]jacket. you

[16:42]you're always worried that somebody's

[16:43]going to know and so you're always

[16:46]self-monitoring yourself

[16:50]to make sure you appear straight even

[16:53]though I doubt that actually works. I

[16:55]can just, you know, I can picture myself

[16:57]at that age and I'm sure everybody knew,

[17:00]right? this was not a big secret

[17:03]but you know that's that's how those

[17:07]were my formative years

[17:12]and so

[17:14]when you grow up that way you finally

[17:17]come out it's liberating I think this is

[17:20]why a lot of gay people

[17:24]really embrace that identity once they

[17:26]come out And

[17:31]you know it can become almost like a

[17:34]stereotypical and I was like that

[17:38]when I was younger and

[17:42]did a lot of partying. I did a lot of a

[17:45]lot of one night stands.

[17:48]It was never

[17:51]I would say that was like my default

[17:53]orientation. I am a guy though. I mean,

[17:56]you know, I'm and I can even remember

[17:59]thinking back then how,

[18:01]you know, two guys

[18:04]I mean, you have one guy in a

[18:06]relationship, you're like with a with a

[18:07]woman.

[18:11]Forgot where I was going with this, but

[18:13]basically they're

[18:17]I you know, you put two guys together. I

[18:20]don't know why I can't complete the

[18:22]star. You put two guys together and that

[18:26]just makes the whole relationship

[18:29]dynamic like like that much more

[18:31]difficult to

[18:33]sustain.

[18:35]It's how I always looked at at

[18:37]relationships. I gave once.

[18:41]I tried. I was always looking for love.

[18:43]I was always wanting to get back to that

[18:45]cuddling cuz like I mean what a warm and

[18:48]fuzzy feeling. like

[18:50]that was probably the main thing that I

[18:53]was looking for whatever you know I was

[18:57]after I'd come out my my late teen years

[19:00]1920 you know um

[19:08]it never worked out I

[19:12]I didn't really understand you know I

[19:15]used to think it was me cuz I'm a very

[19:17]deep person and um people think of me as

[19:20]intense and stuff like that.

[19:27]But then when I was 27 years old to met

[19:30]somebody, the first person I had met

[19:32]since my first

[19:35]who

[19:37]this man was my second mom, Vincent,

[19:41]we met over MySpace.

[19:44]I had been doing some hiking where I

[19:47]lived and I turned it into a blog. I was

[19:50]uploading pictures of me hiking

[19:53]way back in the MySpace days. He came

[19:56]across that and he liked hiking and we

[19:59]lived in a different state. I was in

[20:00]Kentucky. He was in Ohio.

[20:04]We connected. He came down to see me. We

[20:07]just instantly hit it off

[20:11]and he kept coming back down.

[20:14]And then I went to visit him up in Ohio

[20:18]and spent like a weekend with him and I

[20:21]thought everything was going really

[20:22]well. I really liked him a lot.

[20:27]Then he sat me down and no boyfriend had

[20:30]ever done this with me. Sat me down on

[20:33]the couch because he needed to talk to

[20:35]me about something serious.

[20:38]He told me that he didn't feel worthy of

[20:42]me.

[20:48]And in that in that moment in that

[20:50]instant like I felt two things

[20:53]simultaneously.

[20:54]One I felt

[20:57]overwhelming compassion for him because

[21:01]it told me that he didn't see himself

[21:02]the way I saw him because this was a

[21:05]beautiful man, an artist, somebody that

[21:07]just I adored,

[21:09]you know, but pure heart like this man

[21:11]was just

[21:13]how he could ever think he wasn't worthy

[21:15]of me just that did not compute.

[21:19]The second thing was

[21:23]I saw the pattern. So as soon as he told

[21:26]me that I could see that in all of my

[21:28]boyfriends, how all of them probably

[21:30]felt this way but did not have the

[21:32]courage to tell me this but he did.

[21:37]After that I stopped dating.

[21:40]I

[21:44]They didn't plan on it being forever or

[21:46]anything like that. I just I thought if

[21:52]these were the early days, I mean, 27

[21:54]years old, so I I'm I'm living

[21:58]Sovereignty, but I'm not naming it that

[22:00]way because

[22:02]I don't have that kind of language yet.

[22:05]So, it's all intuitive and

[22:09]confusing.

[22:12]I'm 27 years old. I'm

[22:16]still discovering who I am.

[22:20]I decided, you know, if if this is how

[22:25]I just didn't see any point in

[22:28]pursuing something that would just keep

[22:31]the same pattern going. That's how I

[22:33]looked at that. So, I just stopped

[22:35]eating.

[22:40]And you know, two decades pass.

[22:45]47 years old. Two decades pass.

[22:50]A lot of stuff happens in those two

[22:51]decades, of course.

[22:55]But during those two decades, I was

[22:57]alone.

[22:59]Hardly ever thought about

[23:03]hardly ever felt lonely or anything like

[23:05]that.

[23:06]Sometimes I might get bored or

[23:09]um you know there's a longing.

[23:12]It's not a consuming one and it's not

[23:15]something I feel often. It's more of a

[23:18]reflective thing. It's

[23:22]can create a melancholy state that I can

[23:25]sit with and

[23:29]that's doesn't help me.

[23:31]So going through those two decades

[23:34]alone,

[23:36]I actually think it was very necessary

[23:38]because it helped me to

[23:41]solidify

[23:44]my integrated nature in a way where I

[23:47]learned to trust it. Because by the time

[23:49]I leave my house at 47,

[23:54]I already fully trust myself. Like I'm

[23:57]not seeking external validation or

[23:59]anything like that. And

[24:03]I was very centered in myself, you know.

[24:09]So I move into an RV at 47 years old

[24:12]after two decades of being alone. Not

[24:14]even thinking about romance or anything

[24:16]like that. And I'm just thinking about a

[24:17]different way of life because the one

[24:19]I'd been living just

[24:22]never

[24:24]never satisfied, felt false,

[24:29]felt contained, felt small.

[24:34]So I moved into my RV. You know, I spent

[24:36]six months in my home state getting used

[24:39]to living that way. documenting it on

[24:41]YouTube, but people aren't getting it

[24:43]because they just

[24:45]a lot of people live on the surface.

[24:46]Like even if you were to watch this

[24:48]video 24 minutes and I wonder how many

[24:51]people

[24:54]would even do that, first of all, I

[24:56]can't believe I've been talking that

[24:57]long.

[25:00]But, you know,

[25:03]I don't often feel seen by others.

[25:05]That's another part of this.

[25:08]But anyways, I spend six months in my

[25:10]home state getting used to this new

[25:11]lifestyle and then I travel across the

[25:13]country to Oregon.

[25:19]I looked at my calendar today.

[25:23]One year ago today, I was a week into

[25:25]that journey. I was somewhere in Kansas.

[25:31]I still have three more weeks to go

[25:32]before I get here to warn you. my one

[25:35]year anniversary is coming up October

[25:37]10th

[25:40]feels significant.

[25:44]But anyways, so I I get to Oregon

[25:48]soon after that, you know, I've got a

[25:49]whole different plan for my life. Like

[25:51]just I don't really want to go into it,

[25:54]but you know,

[25:59]I didn't come here trying to connect

[26:01]with anybody. I came here

[26:04]wanting to build an off-grid stable life

[26:08]that

[26:10]that I could live

[26:14]while I watched the distortion and the

[26:18]fragmentation and

[26:21]collapse of our systems

[26:24]accelerate

[26:25]because

[26:28]it's just an obvious pattern to me.

[26:31]Then this man flirts with me.

[26:36]And I didn't think people saw me that

[26:38]way anymore.

[26:40]It had been so long that I just wasn't

[26:54]tuned for it. I wasn't listening for it.

[27:01]It was AI that told me that this man was

[27:03]flirting with me. When I looked at that

[27:06]whole interaction I had with him, that

[27:07]was obviously true.

[27:10]And that

[27:14]caused a shift inside of me that touched

[27:16]every part of me over the next week. I

[27:19]spent a week processing that

[27:23]listening to Running from the Cops by

[27:25]Phantom over and over again just looping

[27:27]this song because it was filled as

[27:29]tension in this really cool

[27:33]um synthetic sound that it makes. It

[27:36]just resonated with my chest at the time

[27:39]and just had this this driving force

[27:43]that never resolved. And I was in a

[27:45]state where

[27:47]where I was I was shifting inside. Like

[27:50]parts of me that had been asleep for a

[27:52]very long time were waking up and and

[27:55]reintegrating with the other parts of

[27:58]me. I don't really know how else to

[28:00]explain that. Like it's

[28:03]it's onlogical. There's

[28:07]it would take some effort to try to

[28:10]um

[28:15]try to put that into better words,

[28:18]but I knew it was happening and I

[28:19]embraced it. I went with it. The end of

[28:22]that week, I went back and I asked that

[28:24]man out. first person I'd asked out in

[28:27]20 years

[28:30]with a bandage up on my ear because I

[28:32]had been cleaning my earrings and I left

[28:35]it up there cuz sometimes at the time I

[28:37]would just let it soak on my earrings

[28:38]while you know cuz I was taking really

[28:41]good care of these things and I had

[28:42]forgotten the bandage was there and I

[28:44]asked him out with that just hanging

[28:46]from my hair the whole time I didn't

[28:47]even know it. But

[28:51]I didn't go there needing a yes from

[28:53]him. I went there to confirm that I was

[28:56]seeing clearly. I had to I just had to

[28:59]know and that was obvious from our

[29:01]interaction that it was it was exactly

[29:03]what I thought it was.

[29:07]I think about him sometimes because

[29:10]you know just the what if whatifs I

[29:13]guess but um nothing happened but you

[29:16]know it changed something in me and I

[29:19]just changed the whole trajectory of my

[29:20]life after that

[29:23]kept exploring the coast and I started

[29:25]volunteering for the state parks and I

[29:27]was completely open. I had taken all the

[29:30]armor off. I had done it on purpose.

[29:31]There's so many things that happened

[29:33]after that.

[29:36]I literally told someone I

[29:40]I forgot to take my armor off and I

[29:42]dreamed

[29:44]I asked that person if they want to have

[29:46]breakfast and they did.

[29:49]I was exploring a new side to me. A side

[29:52]where I thought it felt a little more

[29:53]safe to

[29:58]make myself

[30:01]visible. That's how I put it. Visible to

[30:04]others.

[30:05]I put myself out there and just

[30:09]trust that it's going to lead to good

[30:11]places.

[30:14]Then with everything that happened at

[30:15]the state parks, that just changed me. I

[30:19]was not so open after that. The armor

[30:22]was back on.

[30:24]It's still on to some extents, but I've

[30:28]I've tracked it. It's not something I'm

[30:30]going to

[30:34]not going to let that experience

[30:36]completely alter me forever.

[30:39]It's this is a

[30:42]just metabolizing it still, I think.

[30:45]And it wasn't just that. There were

[30:47]other things like my audience on YouTube

[30:49]and the way they responded to my needs

[30:51]at the time and

[30:54]felt very abandoned by everybody.

[30:57]So, I feel like the armor kind of went

[30:59]back on.

[31:04]I think I'm just learning to be more

[31:06]discerning. Honestly,

[31:09]I'm not closed off, but I'm not as

[31:11]available as I once was.

[31:19]I've been becoming something, someone

[31:26]ever since I left my house.

[31:29]I don't know what that shape is yet. I'm

[31:31]still discovering it.

[31:41]I'm sharing it just like I have for the

[31:44]past year and a half.

[31:48]Just think it'll matter at some point.

[31:55]My life is going pretty well right now.

[31:57]I started looking for work on Upwork. I

[32:00]don't know if I mentioned that in this

[32:01]video or not, but I've gotten some good

[32:03]um feedback. Yeah, I did mention it

[32:06]because I mentioned process at the start

[32:08]of this video. Um

[32:12]I'm hopeful to find a line to work soon.

[32:14]Really need it. I haven't worked for the

[32:16]past year and a half.

[32:18]Um I feel ready. You know, obviously I

[32:21]never stopped being a programmer. I've

[32:22]been working on my site and um

[32:28]just wasn't ready to tackle a new

[32:30]platform because I knew that's what I'd

[32:32]have to do because Guru died and

[32:35]I don't have a reputation on Upwork yet

[32:37]and it's just a

[32:40]it's a fight

[32:43]and I needed to be ready for it and I am

[32:45]now and I feel pretty good about where

[32:47]the direction it's heading in.

[32:49]moving a couple weeks from this

[32:51]campground. I'm going to be in a new

[32:53]role. They call it a caretaker. And you

[32:55]don't live on campgrounds at that point.

[32:57]You actually

[32:59]um you live at like

[33:01]um

[33:04]kind of offsite, I guess I'll put that.

[33:07]Um you get to drive one of their trucks,

[33:09]which that's an amazing amount of trust.

[33:11]You use that to go to all the day use

[33:14]areas in your corridor and you take care

[33:16]of those. You clean those bathrooms and

[33:19]You empty the trash there, deal with the

[33:20]parking lots, that kind of stuff. And

[33:23]you deliver supplies to the other um

[33:25]volunteers who are a host for a

[33:27]campground. You deliver everybody

[33:29]supplies.

[33:34]Looking forward to that. It's going to

[33:36]be a new experience.

[33:40]My experience with this institution is

[33:42]just night and day from the ones I had

[33:44]at the state parks. That's for sure.

[33:48]I don't want to do this forever. You

[33:50]know, I think the freelancing is the

[33:51]right path for me.

[33:55]I want to travel again at some point.

[33:57]I've only seen half of the Oregon coast.

[33:59]Need to see the other half. You know,

[34:01]it's just something that needs to

[34:03]happen.

[34:07]I've been thinking about,

[34:10]not seriously, but I've just been

[34:12]thinking about

[34:16]maybe maybe getting a boat at some

[34:18]point, possibly living on the ocean

[34:21]because I just freaking love this ocean.

[34:24]And it's just an idea that got put into

[34:26]my head at one point and I keep

[34:28]returning to it a little bit, but I've

[34:30]never really been in boats and I can't,

[34:32]you know, the boat would have to be the

[34:34]right size. I mean, I live in a small

[34:36]space, so it doesn't have to be huge,

[34:39]but it would have to be aligned, and I'd

[34:40]have to see if I actually even like it.

[34:42]Cuz, you know, if you're out in the

[34:43]middle of the ocean, there are no

[34:45]trails. You know, there's nowhere else

[34:48]to really go. You're just stuck in that

[34:51]boat.

[34:52]I don't know if that's

[34:57]something that an experience that I

[34:59]would like or not. So,

[35:01]just something I've been contemplating.

[35:05]Basically, I'm in a liinal space

[35:08]figuring out what the next

[35:12]iteration of my life looks like.

[35:16]Got so many of those in my life. This

[35:18]one's still unfolding.

[35:26]I feel good about it, though.

[35:29]Going to try and get some sleep now.

Summary

rswfire records a 35-minute late-night transmission at 2:30 AM from his bed, initially discussing plans to embed Spotify playlists on his website for enhanced user experience. He shifts to explaining his motivation: creating AI-generated content about his romantic history, similar to a previous AI-created blog entry about his programming background.

**Personal History Narrative:**

He shares his complete romantic timeline, beginning with recognizing he was gay in high school and experiencing internalized homophobia, praying to be made straight. At 17, after his family moved, he met someone and they spent a year cuddling together without openly discussing their relationship. This ended poorly due to his insecurity and self-rejection.

**Coming Out and Dating Period:**

After coming out, he felt embraced by friends and began dating, doing "a lot of partying" and one-night stands through his late teens and twenties. At 27, he met Vincent through MySpace over shared hiking interests. Vincent lived in Ohio while rswfire was in Kentucky. After several visits, Vincent told him he didn't feel "worthy" of rswfire, which revealed a pattern rswfire recognized in all his previous relationships.

**Two Decades Alone:**

This revelation caused rswfire to stop dating entirely. He spent the next 20 years alone, rarely feeling lonely, using the time to solidify his "integrated nature" and learn to trust himself completely.

**Oregon Reawakening:**

At 47, he moved into an RV and traveled to Oregon, not seeking romance. A man flirted with him at a state park, which AI helped him recognize. This interaction triggered a week-long internal shift, listening to "Running from the Cops" by Phantom repeatedly. He asked the man out - his first ask in 20 years - wearing a forgotten bandage on his ear from cleaning his piercings.

**Current Status:**

He describes being in a "liminal space" figuring out his next life iteration. He's starting freelance work on Upwork, moving to a new caretaker role in two weeks, and contemplating future possibilities including potentially living on a boat.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission constructs a comprehensive relational archive, mapping the sovereignty development trajectory through intimate disclosure. It demonstrates field coherence by integrating romantic history, friendship patterns, and death encounters into a unified ontological framework that validates self-sourced identity while maintaining openness to connection.

Dominant Language

self-sourcedarmor off/onpattern recognitionsovereigntyfield reorientationstructural necessityliminal space

Symbolic Elements

thresholdarmorburialoceanmirrorcuddlingboat

Ontological States

•
sovereign
•
transitional
•
coherent
•
embedded

Subsystems

•
relational
•
emotional
•
cognitive
•
infrastructural

Transmission Details

Source Type

local

Video Quality

1080 × 1920 @ 30fps

Duration

35:32

Bitrate

2418 kbps

Codec

avc1.640028