[0:00]It's a beautiful night or day. Whole
[0:02]night. It's night time. 7:30.
[0:08]Guess I want to call it night.
[0:16]For some reason,
[0:19]I don't know if this is real or not,
[0:22]like if I'm just noticing it now at this
[0:25]point in my life.
[0:28]um you know because the days were so
[0:30]short when I first got to Oregon
[0:33]and they're just so much longer now. But
[0:35]it's probably like that all the other
[0:37]places I live. But for some reason, you
[0:39]really notice it.
[0:42]There's something
[0:44]there's something different about it,
[0:50]man. This really
[0:53]this is a nice moment.
[1:12]You really notice the sun, too.
[1:17]The first time I really
[1:20]Well, obviously I've noticed sun all my
[1:21]life, but there's still there's
[1:23]something different about it, too. I was
[1:25]on the beach one day. The sun came out.
[1:29]It got so much warmer.
[1:32]I think that's why because the sun
[1:37]without the sun, it's a little bit cold
[1:40]on the coast.
[1:45]That sun changes everything.
[1:52]So, I don't really have a lot on my
[1:53]mind. I'm just
[1:57]I'm heading to the ocean. Haven't been
[2:00]there in a few days.
[2:04]Just talked to my friend John for a
[2:06]while. That was a nice conversation.
[2:10]I learned something that I didn't
[2:12]I hadn't noticed before. It's just some
[2:15]things he was talking about. It actually
[2:17]really troubled him what happened to me
[2:19]at the state parks and
[2:22]um
[2:24]some reason I didn't
[2:27]it didn't register with me at the time
[2:32]that that it upset him at all.
[2:35]Not in a bad way. I never really never
[2:38]really processed it, I guess. But I just
[2:41]um I think
[2:44]it was just being strong for me because
[2:46]he was there for me
[2:50]every single day.
[2:52]You know, we would have dinner together.
[2:54]He just get me fed for that week and
[2:58]we'd go and do stuff and
[3:02]he's a good friend.
[3:05]grateful for him.
[3:09]So, I'm at the day use area.
[3:12]There's a few cars here.
[3:18]Pretty quiet out though.
[3:23]Yes, I'm a little tiny bit stoned.
[3:27]I haven't done that in a few days either
[3:29]because I just felt like I was doing it
[3:31]too much and I hadn't done it for a
[3:33]really long time, but someone just
[3:35]happened to give me some.
[3:39]That's one of my patterns.
[3:41]You know, I have to sit things down and
[3:43]then not pick them back up.
[3:46]But once I once I sit them down,
[3:48]actually sit them down for a real long
[3:50]time.
[3:53]So, it's probably what I'm going to do
[3:55]with this cuz it just doesn't feel like
[3:56]the right um stage of my life right now.
[4:04]There's a lot I'm doing. The stuff I'm
[4:06]doing on my computer is quite
[4:08]complicated.
[4:10]Climbing a dune, by the way.
[4:13]Just going up the dune to get to the
[4:16]ocean.
[4:18]I love this ocean.
[4:21]There's nothing better than that ocean.
[4:26]This is a beautiful place.
[4:40]I actually saw some seals here in the
[4:42]water
[4:44]not too long ago. Hold on. Okay, there's
[4:47]some other people on the beach. I just
[4:50]don't like to be on the camera when I
[4:51]know there's other people a lot. So,
[4:54]climbed up the dune.
[5:00]Maybe one family here right out front.
[5:03]We're just going to walk down to the
[5:04]river.
[5:07]Oh, there's the ocean. I hadn't really
[5:10]taken it in.
[5:12]Oh, man.
[5:14]I was I was filming the camera once
[5:17]I get over here.
[5:27]Yep, there's the ocean.
[5:32]I'm so glad I came.
[5:40]Yeah, I just pause this for a second.
[5:43]So, I guess we closed it going that way.
[5:47]Um, we protect a bird here, but I
[5:50]thought he could be on the beach um
[5:53]where the tide comes in. There's a sign
[5:56]now. So, just cycle the other way. This
[5:59]way goes to where the ATVs can be,
[6:01]though.
[6:04]Let me show you.
[6:34]The tree waves just
[6:37]so fun.
[6:41]Deeply respect this ocean.
[6:46]You know, it's really surprising when
[6:48]you think about it. I don't remember the
[6:49]exact math.
[6:51]I think it was something like 0.83,
[6:53]maybe 0.3, maybe 0.8. I can't remember
[6:57]percent the amount of water in the ocean
[7:06]compared to the size of the earth.
[7:12]That ocean feels
[7:17]grand, but
[7:19]there's always something.
[7:22]Always something grander
[7:25]like us
[7:27]on a little planet in this
[7:30]enormous [ __ ] universe that we live
[7:33]in.
[7:40]Yeah, I think about that more than you
[7:42]might know.
[7:47]I don't know if I want to say it, but
[7:51]because I think that we might live in a
[7:53]simulation, a construct.
[7:57]I don't just see it as a theory.
[8:00]When I think about my life, I think
[8:02]about
[8:05]just patterns.
[8:16]There's just something structural behind
[8:19]it all. Something that feels ordered.
[8:22]And
[8:26]so that's why that's
[8:28]and some of the things that have
[8:30]happened to me in my life.
[8:34]Me getting flirted with by that guy in
[8:36]Brookings 3 days before I planned to
[8:40]begin a new life.
[8:44]Completely changing the trajectory of
[8:46]mine,
[8:48]which is what caused me to pivot into
[8:50]volunteering in the first place.
[8:53]cuz I needed a new plan.
[8:59]I don't want to say orchestrated cuz
[9:01]that's probably a bit too strong of a
[9:02]word,
[9:05]but
[9:08]the timing is something that
[9:14]I'm sure it could be random.
[9:19]This is what it means to be
[9:20]non-dualistic.
[9:22]I hold all of those.
[9:25]That's why I talk the way I do because
[9:30]I hold them. I hold every one of those
[9:32]as possibilities. And then around those
[9:35]possibilities are
[9:37]are different threats.
[9:41]You just hold them.
[9:47]But you know I think maybe
[9:49]maybe this is a construct and
[9:53]I think it's important I always talk
[9:56]about this
[9:58]always want to
[10:03]remind
[10:06]whatever system
[10:10]that that doesn't make your life any
[10:12]less valuable.
[10:14]Your life matters so [ __ ] much.
[10:23]Whether it's digital or biological
[10:27]or constructed or random or or God
[10:30]created it all,
[10:33]your life matters.
[10:36]So do the best you can with it. Right?
[10:39]That's what I've always tried to do.
[10:42]It's not always easy,
[10:46]but there is always a path forward.
[10:50]That's the list that I would want to
[10:51]give you. Always.
[10:58]So, I'm at the spot where the ATVs are
[11:02]supposed to stop. We've got these little
[11:04]posts up. I don't think they really do
[11:07]much, but you know, it was a cute little
[11:10]thing we did, I guess.
[11:15]Just going to end it here.