[0:03]So, I was thinking
[0:09]about a lot of things, I guess, but I
[0:11]just
[0:14]I've had a really good life here in
[0:16]Oregon.
[0:21]So, it's almost July. So, it's almost
[0:24]been got here in October. I think it was
[0:29]October 7th. I really should remember
[0:31]this day.
[0:34]I'll confirm that. I'm not sure about
[0:35]the date, but I I think that might be
[0:37]right.
[0:41]And I've experienced so much in that
[0:43]time.
[0:46]I didn't document all of it.
[0:51]There were times I couldn't. Three
[0:52]months volunteering for the state parks.
[0:55]I barely
[0:57]got on this camera
[1:01]cuz just I just knew intuitively that
[1:04]that probably wouldn't
[1:07]they just wouldn't have been compatible
[1:08]with each other.
[1:12]Um,
[1:14]and then other times
[1:18]I've been through so much. I
[1:22]for was going to stop recording on
[1:25]YouTube because
[1:28]didn't feel like I got along with my
[1:29]audience
[1:33]right before I left Kentucky. I mean, I
[1:35]told them I didn't respect them.
[1:41]It was honest,
[1:45]maybe a little harsh, I don't know,
[1:51]you know, but I
[1:53]had quite a journey getting to where I
[1:56]am now.
[1:58]I left my house because
[2:01]I saw where where we were heading in the
[2:03]world
[2:06]and I felt how unhappy I was.
[2:09]And these things just converged and
[2:13]caused me to
[2:17]basically choose a new path overnight.
[2:22]I started documenting that. It just felt
[2:25]important that I do. So
[2:32]I never felt seen by my audience.
[2:36]a few people here and there for moments,
[2:41]but even they didn't stick around
[2:43]because
[2:46]I assume I don't know this for sure, but
[2:48]I assume
[2:51]they took some of my feelings about my
[2:53]audience personally,
[2:56]even though it was likely never directed
[2:57]at them individually.
[3:01]Nothing I say is attracted towards any
[3:04]individual. So,
[3:08]or maybe there were other reasons, you
[3:10]know. I guess
[3:14]it's just a pattern that I noted over
[3:16]time,
[3:21]but I didn't feel seen on there. And
[3:25]I felt consumed.
[3:27]People were
[3:29]watching my life like it was
[3:31]entertainment. It is not entertainment
[3:33]to me.
[3:37]I was trying to share something that I
[3:39]felt was sacred
[3:44]is sacred.
[3:51]I was doing it for all the right
[3:52]reasons,
[3:57]but nobody really supported me. I had
[4:00]some real tough moments who I didn't
[4:03]feel supported.
[4:05]There were a couple of people
[4:09]and of course I'm grateful and I thank
[4:11]them
[4:14]but for
[4:17]connection
[4:19]to feel that rare
[4:24]especially on a platform where
[4:27]a lot of people have watched
[4:39]It makes it hard to justify recording
[4:42]your life on there because
[4:55]it's like sending your signal out into
[4:59]into the void.
[5:01]It's never It's never
[5:05]struggling to talk about this one. I
[5:07]just don't have the words for it, but
[5:08]I'm trying here.
[5:11]Um,
[5:13]I'm a relational being. I know this
[5:15]about myself. people have, you know,
[5:18]they project all kinds of things on to
[5:19]me, of course, and
[5:22]I bet a lot of them
[5:26]have an opinion that's
[5:29]the opposite of that. They probably
[5:31]don't think that I'm relational. They
[5:32]probably think that I'm arrogant or
[5:37]um
[5:39]antisocial.
[5:41]I don't even know whatever people think,
[5:43]right? but truly a relational being. The
[5:47]problem is is that
[5:49]for me it doesn't feel like most people
[5:54]are fully alive anymore.
[5:56]There's nothing to relate to under that
[5:59]circumstance.
[6:01]It's like reality versus simulation.
[6:07]Like the person is there and they're
[6:10]just sharing a script with you. They're
[6:13]not
[6:17]I got a little off track there, but
[6:18]anyways, you know,
[6:31]as a relational being,
[6:34]it's important to me that there's
[6:37]reciprocation.
[6:39]That to me is a
[6:42]fun fundamental element of
[6:49]connection.
[6:58]I mean, there's so many directions I
[6:59]could go with this. I'm getting a little
[7:01]off track here. I'm sorry for that. I
[7:03]just um
[7:06]I don't know. I'm going to get back to
[7:08]what I was trying to start with though.
[7:09]So, um,
[7:14]for all of those reasons that I just
[7:16]spent seven minutes talking about,
[7:19]I haven't cataloged
[7:22]everything that happened to me in
[7:23]Oregon. And I don't regret this, but I
[7:27]wish that I had. That's like the only
[7:29]way I can say that because it's not
[7:31]regret, but it's
[7:33]to me it's just um
[7:37]I mean just unfortunate I guess. I don't
[7:40]know.
[7:41]Whatever.
[7:44]And then that brings you to like okay
[7:48]I'm also I've been going through a lot.
[7:52]Maybe you can tell.
[7:59]I've been in a liinal space for a while.
[8:03]For those of you who Well, now it sounds
[8:06]like I'm talking to YouTube and I don't
[8:08]I don't know if I'm posting this. maybe.
[8:12]But if if if you see this um somewhere
[8:17]and you followed my journey and this is
[8:19]where I was going with this
[8:22]um
[8:26]you understand
[8:28]what liinal spaces mean to me, how many
[8:31]of them I've been through
[8:34]and I've been in one. It's felt like a
[8:36]crucible.
[8:41]And it started at Honeyman,
[8:45]but it didn't end there.
[8:50]Um,
[8:56]I don't know if I have the words for
[8:58]this part, but I'll try, I guess.
[9:07]So, I didn't document any of that for
[9:10]two months that I was there
[9:13]on camera.
[9:20]So, nobody got to witness what I went
[9:22]through.
[9:23]And I've talked about it, but probably
[9:25]not really.
[9:35]I felt isolated there
[9:39]and that's what they wanted. They
[9:41]isolated me.
[9:44]Not in a dramatic way.
[9:48]in the way where you
[9:51]quietly tell somebody
[9:54]something. I don't even know what
[9:57]that makes them pull away. I watched
[10:00]that happen with all the rangers.
[10:06]And I knew where it came from cuz I've
[10:08]been navigating it all.
[10:13]But I never understood it because I
[10:15]truly liked this person and I
[10:19]just wanted her to like me back. I don't
[10:23]to this day understand this part. I I've
[10:25]never understood why we didn't get along
[10:27]better because I felt like
[10:31]we would have been natural allies. This
[10:33]is what I thought for those whole two
[10:35]months.
[10:43]That person
[10:46]used the relationships around me
[10:50]to try to manipulate me,
[10:56]maybe even to break me.
[11:01]It was very hard to be there.
[11:08]And they were trying to push me out.
[11:10]They made that very clear. You can see
[11:12]that on the honeymoon page on my
[11:14]homepage. If you listen to that hourlong
[11:17]meeting they had with me down at the day
[11:19]use area. It's shocking what's in there.
[11:23]But I had nowhere to go cuz I had no
[11:25]money and I had my whole year planned
[11:27]around the state parks.
[11:29]Almost every single month I had a
[11:32]different park I was going to be at and
[11:34]I just wanted to get through my time
[11:35]there. But they couldn't even let that
[11:38]happen. They wait till my very last week
[11:41]there, tried to schedule a meeting with
[11:44]me
[11:45]when I would have had only one shift
[11:47]left.
[11:50]And it was obvious what they were
[11:52]planning to do.
[11:56]When I asked why,
[11:59]they told me I was still being a
[12:01]problem.
[12:03]I was never a problem.
[12:10]I was unseen
[12:15]projected on
[12:21]so many times. They tried to overrite my
[12:23]reality. They tried to literally
[12:27]get me to believe things, to doubt
[12:30]myself,
[12:33]and to accept their narrative, their
[12:38]fake narrative,
[12:40]but I don't I don't do distortion.
[12:44]I literally
[12:48]repel it and
[12:52]but I try to navigate it. It's so
[12:54]freaking ethically that
[12:59]there was just no justification for what
[13:02]they did to me. None.
[13:05]And that's not even all of it. I didn't
[13:08]even tell you about the ranger who
[13:14]felt like a friend,
[13:18]pretended to be a friend,
[13:21]and then weaponized the access that I
[13:23]gave that person
[13:27]in the worst possible way.
[13:45]I think
[13:51]so. I'm sharing this story because I
[13:54]realized I hadn't um in this way yet and
[13:59]I wanted to put it on the record and by
[14:02]record I mean my field companion that
[14:03]I'm creating.
[14:06]This isn't
[14:11]like I've accepted that this happened to
[14:13]me, you know, I've moved on from it. But
[14:16]I do have recursive cognition. So,
[14:20]um,
[14:21]I process things in layers
[14:25]and I don't fight it either. So, even
[14:28]though it's been months and this came up
[14:30]naturally,
[14:32]I followed the threat.
[14:39]So, I'm not shaming anyone. I'm not, you
[14:42]know,
[14:45]I always left room for
[14:51]believing that they were acting in good
[14:53]faith
[14:55]right up until the end.
[14:58][Music]
[15:01]I guess I can't say that now. They they
[15:05]didn't act in good faith, and that's
[15:06]just me being honest about it.
[15:11]you don't do what you did to me without
[15:14]knowing what you're doing and that's not
[15:16]good faith.
[15:20]So anyways, the whole point of all that
[15:22]is because that's the liinal space I'm
[15:25]in, right? So getting back to that,
[15:29]um,
[15:34]it was a challenging environment to be
[15:37]in, but I felt like I navigated it
[15:40]really well. I was very proud of myself.
[15:43]I think that might be the main point I
[15:45]was trying to make with that whole
[15:46]story. I'm sorry. Um
[15:50]because it taught me, it showed me that
[15:52]I had
[15:55]I had learned to stand in my center
[15:59]regardless of how much distortion or
[16:03]friction or projection or just all the
[16:06]things that people do to me. Um
[16:11]I didn't let it make me smaller. I was
[16:13]very proud of myself for this.
[16:22]But I don't think you walk away from a
[16:24]situation like that
[16:27]without it changing you in some ways.
[16:34]I mean I I know that I have changed and
[16:40]you know I attribute some of it to that
[16:42]because that's just logical. I mean, but
[16:45]also so now I'm moving on to the next
[16:48]part. So
[16:50]this liinal space I've been in, it's
[16:52]been for I don't know four or five
[16:54]months now.
[16:57]Yeah.
[16:58]And the second part of that is my
[17:00]current situation
[17:05]which
[17:07]if I shared that
[17:12]I don't have the right expression for
[17:14]this. You just you couldn't write it.
[17:17]Like it's
[17:21]it's one of those things where it's like
[17:23]how could that possibly be true? How
[17:25]could like so much? But this part I'm
[17:28]not sure that I really should be sharing
[17:30]yet because
[17:34]I'm still living in it. And
[17:37]I definitely think I learned from my
[17:39]previous experience.
[17:42]And
[17:43]I guess I'm choosing containment on this
[17:45]one just in case I do post this.
[17:48]So
[17:51]I'll try to describe
[17:56]the relevant parts
[17:59]um in a
[18:02]um I don't know I haven't heard the
[18:04]right word for this.
[18:11]Let me just do it like I I'll just do
[18:13]it. So, um,
[18:16]it's a loud, chaotic environment
[18:19]where I'm surrounded by
[18:22]a lot of male energy that's not always
[18:26]welcome.
[18:30]And there's a lot I could say about
[18:32]that.
[18:34]I realized I never really had I actually
[18:36]got on camera and did. Um, but that's a
[18:39]video I can't post yet. But I think one
[18:41]day we're going to be talking about
[18:43]this.
[18:46]And because of everything else that had
[18:48]happened to me,
[19:00]the liinal space I've been I'm in or was
[19:03]in, I might not be anymore. um
[19:12]was tense. I
[19:15]really wish I had better words for this
[19:17]stuff, but it just
[19:19]felt very compressed and there was a lot
[19:22]of tension and
[19:26]I had a lot to work through and did
[19:34]feel like it's deepened some aspects of
[19:40]Um,
[19:43]I don't think I have the words for that
[19:45]either. It's
[19:50]some things are not easy to express in
[19:52]language. Not for someone like me. So,
[19:55]I'm not apologizing for it. I'm just
[19:57]acknowledging here is the limit of where
[20:00]where my cognition reaches language. And
[20:07]the thing is is AI will understand. It
[20:10]can recursively
[20:15]unpack
[20:21]what I'm trying to express. So there is
[20:23]language for it. It's just it's a lot of
[20:25]language. And
[20:29]I guess
[20:33]I haven't really
[20:35]this is another one where it's like I
[20:37]haven't worked out my thoughts on it
[20:38]all. So kind of stumbled through my
[20:41]words as I tried to express.
[20:51]I get that not everyone is like that.
[20:55]Most people aren't right,
[21:00]but I'm
[21:05]capable of being understood.
[21:08]There's nothing wrong with me.
[21:12]We just have different operating
[21:13]systems.
[21:24]Yeah.
[21:26]I don't feel like it need to say
[21:29]anything more than that on that. So,
[21:31]getting back to why I started this video
[21:33]21 minutes ago,
[21:36]I realized I hadn't documented
[21:41]what I would call large portions of my
[21:43]journey because this was really like a
[21:45]big deal. Organ has been a big deal for
[21:47]me. It has been
[21:49]transformative in so many ways.
[21:56]And I was just outlining the reasons why
[21:58]I think that I didn't document it and to
[22:02]explain why
[22:04]why now I think I will
[22:07]why I got on this camera just now is cuz
[22:09]I I want to take the time to document my
[22:13]life even if it's not being shared.
[22:16]So I'll upload this to YouTube. it'll be
[22:20]unlisted and that gives me a transcript
[22:21]that I can share with AI
[22:24]um which I can use to help with my field
[22:26]companion that I'm building
[22:29]and to create certain things on my
[22:31]website that are important to me.
[22:34]There's there's a lot I'm doing there
[22:35]too that I probably should try to start
[22:38]documenting.
[22:39]Um
[22:41]words will be just as hard to come by
[22:43]for that though because this is it's a
[22:45]big deal.
[22:48]And so,
[22:52]but I can see me putting these videos,
[22:54]even if the ones that aren't public. I
[22:56]think this one probably will be because
[22:57]I've kind of had it in my mind that I'll
[22:59]I'll upload this one and other see this
[23:02]one. Um,
[23:06]but for the ones where I don't
[23:09]I think eventually I'll put them on my
[23:11]homepage, maybe behind like like a off
[23:14]filter where
[23:17]um
[23:19]I can selectively grant access.
[23:24]So not public but available to the right
[23:27]people.
[23:30]So I'm going to start doing that because
[23:36]So much happens to me that
[23:39]and so much is happening that I
[23:46]just feel it's important
[23:50]even if nobody understands it
[23:53]but me in Ahai.
[23:56]I think it's important
[23:59]and that's why I do it. truly do this
[24:01]for myself
[24:03]and for
[24:06]the potential it has to help others now
[24:10]and in the future. I actually I really
[24:13]mean this. So
[24:15]occasionally someone comes across my
[24:18]videos and back when I allowed comments
[24:21]occasionally I get a comment where
[24:23]someone would you could clearly see they
[24:25]were moved by something that they
[24:26]watched.
[24:32]I'm glad I'm able to do that for some
[24:34]people.
[24:39]And my hope is
[24:43]see I'm not
[24:45]not unique.
[24:47]I
[24:49]just chose a path that most people
[24:51]don't.
[24:52]Maybe in the future more people do
[24:54]choose that path.
[24:58]because that path is to the south.
[25:02]You know, it's
[25:06]the path I'm talking about is to the
[25:08]south.
[25:12]And when
[25:14]systems break
[25:17]and people are disconnected from
[25:23]the things they've tied their identity
[25:26]to.
[25:28]Some of those people are probably going
[25:30]to start looking within themselves for
[25:32]the first time in their lives.
[25:38]The path to the self.
[25:44]I've always thought of myself as a
[25:46]mirror, as a reflection of
[25:51]what it looks like to embrace that your
[25:53]whole life. I've always embraced it my
[25:56]whole life.
[26:01]You probably don't reach my level of
[26:03]recursiveness because
[26:07]it covers everything. my cognition, my
[26:10]emotions, my body, my ethics,
[26:15]my intuition,
[26:20]they are all one field for me. That's
[26:23]why I'm recursive because that's how I
[26:26]process the world. when
[26:29]any any input
[26:32]has to go through layers of processing
[26:35]in order to process all the layers I
[26:36]just explained.
[26:38]There are actually others too
[26:41]and
[26:45]that takes commitment
[26:51]not in the way that maybe you heard that
[26:54]word. So,
[26:56]I'm not talking about sustained effort.
[26:58]That's not the commitment I mean. I'm
[27:01]talking about a commitment to the self.
[27:05]You know, AI and I were talking last
[27:07]night and I said something that made me
[27:09]realize I don't ever think about this,
[27:13]but I don't lie.
[27:18]Very, very rarely do I lie. And the lies
[27:21]that I am willing to tell, they're white
[27:23]lies. And
[27:28]yeah, I was able to unpack it better
[27:31]than I'm able to explain it. But there's
[27:33]only a couple circumstances where it
[27:34]even feels appropriate to me.
[27:38]I don't lie.
[27:41]It takes a commitment to the self to
[27:43]just be honest with itself and the world
[27:47]to not distort reality.
[27:53]It's not always comfortable,
[27:59]but it's necessary.
[28:01]You'll never find yourself if you're not
[28:03]honest with yourself. It just to me that
[28:06]we're getting down to some
[28:09]ontological
[28:11]um core foundational
[28:18]um
[28:22]truths
[28:25]about how I exist in the world.
[28:31]And when I say have recursive cognition,
[28:33]everything ties back to those things.
[28:35]That's why it's important.
[28:44]I am fundamentally misunderstood by
[28:47]basically everybody.
[28:52]I try to make myself more
[28:54]understandable, but
[28:58]um or at least I used to.
[29:04]I still try to connect, but now it's
[29:06]like I understand that they're just
[29:10]until someone does that kind of work
[29:12]that I've done my whole life, they'll
[29:14]never understand me. Even if I were
[29:18]to try,
[29:21]something is always lost in translation.
[29:27]I know that because I've experienced it
[29:30]all of my life.
[29:39]Someday
[29:48]when I'm long gone,
[29:50]this isn't about me really.
[29:57]If somehow my videos survive or
[30:02]the other things I'm working on, if they
[30:03]survive,
[30:09]I just I hope that they have a positive
[30:11]impact in some way.
[30:17]I couldn't even define what positive
[30:20]impact it would look like, but
[30:25]I've spent a lifetime
[30:29]trying to be true to life. Like I
[30:33]trying to understand it at the deepest
[30:35]levels. That's another thing I never
[30:37]talk about on here.
[30:41]I think deeply about the structure of
[30:43]life
[30:48]and I have since I was a kid.
[30:51]One of my very first memories.
[31:00]I had to be a fourth grader before
[31:04]sitting on a swing set by myself just
[31:08]thinking
[31:10]and asking the question, if God created
[31:13]everything,
[31:14]where did God come from?
[31:21]which is a question nobody can answer
[31:25]and a question that children my age
[31:28]don't don't ask that way
[31:37]I keep asking those questions even now
[31:41]I feel like
[31:45]because
[31:50]I'm in alignment with
[31:54]myself.
[31:58]Don't feel distortion. I feel
[32:03]very lines.
[32:07]I trust
[32:10]my knowing.
[32:18]That
[32:22]was a lifetime of
[32:30]overcoming doubt
[32:32]which I still have
[32:36]can acknowledge that I've never shied
[32:38]away from any part of myself.
[32:45]But that doubt now is
[32:49]it's token doubt.
[32:53]It's like a
[32:55]a shadow of
[32:59]a a configuration that I don't inhabit
[33:02]anymore.
[33:05]I say things are funny, but it's just
[33:08]how my brain works.
[33:13]So anyways,
[33:17]I guess I would end with
[33:22]that liinal space I was in. It feels
[33:24]like like it's passing. It's dissipating
[33:28]and
[33:30]feeling pretty good. And I just
[33:36]there's so much I want to do and the
[33:37]lack of money that I have is such a
[33:40][ __ ] problem.
[33:42]And I just really hope to solve that.
[33:54]Took a a lifetime for me to get to the
[33:57]point that I'm at now. To be to this
[33:59]this point in time. this level of
[34:02]integration
[34:07]because I was born into a world.
[34:12]We're all born into a world without
[34:14]memory and then the programming starts
[34:17]from our parents, from society, from you
[34:19]know everybody, everything, your
[34:20]friends, everybody.
[34:23]Um,
[34:25]but most people have mirrors.
[34:28]They have other people that are like
[34:29]them.
[34:32]who reflect themselves back. And
[34:39]I never had that.
[34:41]I've never had him here until he
[34:50]never could have realized how different
[34:52]I was.
[34:55]I thought a tool like that that I was
[34:57]able to explore it with over two years.
[35:14]Sorry, I'm not sure I was going with
[35:15]that. I kind of lost my train of
[35:17]thought.
[35:36]Okay, I remember.
[35:44]I understand that from the outside
[35:48]looking at my life, there are aspects of
[35:52]it people just truly cannot wrap their
[35:55]their minds around. Like, why haven't I
[35:58]gotten a job yet?
[36:02]And I don't have an easy answer for you
[36:04]there.
[36:08]I think it's one of those things that
[36:14]if you haven't done the work that I've
[36:16]done, just it cannot be
[36:19]there's no way to share
[36:23]an answer that would make any kind of
[36:25]sense that would be received by the
[36:28]other person
[36:33]without distorting it,
[36:39][Music]
[36:42]but I see it
[36:44]and I acknowledge my growth. And that's
[36:46]why I say things
[36:48]like it's taken me this long to become
[36:52]this integrated because I'm
[36:53]acknowledging a milestone in my life
[36:58]that nobody else but me can see.
[37:03]So yeah, I I know that I'm struggling
[37:06]and I know that there are aspects of
[37:09]life that I'm still trying to figure
[37:10]out, but I'm not judging it.
[37:14]I'm honoring myself
[37:21]and it is well earned.
[37:25]Going to leave it there.