Processing Institutional Rejection and Ownership Patterns

April 18, 2025. rswfire is in his RV with power off, using battery power and external daylight. He's waiting to hear back from Forest Service about background check results and needs to leave his current location the next morning. Financial constraints are pressing.

Energetic Signature

processing clarity

Field State

pattern integration

Orientation

toward structural understanding

01JS3G4PVRM8GA3KJYWXQ26058

April 18, 2025

17:05

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:01]Hello YouTube. Sorry for the lighting.

[0:04]My power is off right now. I'm not using

[0:07]my Jeep or anything, so I don't have any

[0:08]power in here. Just my batteries. I'm

[0:11]going off the light that's outside. It's

[0:13]still daylight. It's little light up

[0:16]here. It's good enough for me. I want to

[0:20]talk about something. I want to reflect

[0:21]on something. But this is

[0:25]um I'm having a revelation right now

[0:27]that's not fully formed. So, I'm

[0:28]processing and I wanted you to see what

[0:30]that looks like for someone like me. It

[0:32]won't look pretty. It won't have a

[0:34]resolution. It won't even have probably

[0:37]won't even be coherent because it's

[0:39]processing which means it's a process.

[0:42]It's not the final product. It's the

[0:44]limit of

[0:45]space

[0:47]before you

[0:49]reach you reach coherence with it.

[0:51]Before you integrate it, before

[0:52]integration happens, this is the process

[0:54]of integration.

[0:57]And it's something that's cyclical and

[0:59]ongoing

[1:02]and you'll keep returning to it if

[1:05]you're like me until until you integrate

[1:07]it. So this is about the park service.

[1:10]This is also about my life. I mean it's

[1:12]all related. It's all

[1:14]interconnected. So I made a video today

[1:17]going through my history as a programmer

[1:20]which goes all the way back to when I

[1:21]was a child. And I recounted my life. I

[1:26]recounted all the things that I did in

[1:27]my life, a lot of them. Um, you know, in

[1:30]the freelancing world and companies I

[1:33]worked for and projects I worked on.

[1:36]And there was something I said in that

[1:39]video that that stuck with

[1:43]me. I talked about how I took ownership

[1:45]of of my

[1:47]projects.

[1:48]How it didn't matter what it was. It

[1:51]could just be a simple task for, you

[1:53]know, a freelancing job that maybe I was

[1:55]only doing for like a day. I took

[1:57]ownership of

[1:58]it and I was often rewarded for doing

[2:03]that. I took ownership of the projects

[2:05]that I'd worked on for a decade and

[2:08]that's probably why so much

[2:09]responsibility got got put on

[2:11]me. That's a whole other um thread for

[2:15]me to pull on at some point. That's

[2:16]another thing that I should probably

[2:18]process and think about, but that's not

[2:20]what this is

[2:22]about. It made me realize that I never I

[2:27]never integrated with an institution.

[2:29]I've been a freelancer all of my life.

[2:31]I'm nearly half a century old and I

[2:33]never held a job like like a normal job

[2:36]like like many people do. I was always

[2:38]on the outside of

[2:39]them, always an independent contractor,

[2:42]a

[2:45]freelancer. And then the one time I

[2:47]tried to integrate with an institution,

[2:50]the Oregon State

[2:52]Parks, they rejected me viscerally and

[2:57]quickly. 3 months in, I was expelled

[3:00]from that place. And it all started one

[3:03]month after I I started working for

[3:05]them. the second park I went to and it

[3:08]all started with me taking ownership of

[3:10]a

[3:11]problem. This is the interesting

[3:14]part. It all

[3:16]started one very early morning when the

[3:19]power went out in the entire park. It

[3:21]was pitch black outside and I knew that

[3:24]the guests would see me

[3:28]as as their point of contact. I took

[3:31]ownership of that and I texted the park

[3:34]supervisor and I said in the eyes of the

[3:37]guests I own this problem and she

[3:40]reacted very negatively to that. Her

[3:43]immediate response to me was you

[3:45]definitely don't own this

[3:47]problem. Not a hi good morning sorry the

[3:49]power out hey Sam you know just you

[3:52]definitely don't own this problem.

[3:56]I didn't think I did, you know, but I

[3:58]was taking responsibility for uh

[4:02]being um being a park host, being a

[4:05]volunteer, being new at it, and wanting

[4:07]to

[4:09]um wanting to do my job well. I was

[4:12]taking ownership for my

[4:14]role and the perception that the guests

[4:17]would have about that role. I needed

[4:20]guidance. I needed to know how do I

[4:21]handle this situation? It's 6:00 in the

[4:24]morning when I sent this text. The

[4:26]power's been out for 3 hours. The guests

[4:28]are going to start waking up and they're

[4:29]going to start knocking on my door. So,

[4:31]what do I tell them? Is there anywhere I

[4:33]can get information to, you know, know

[4:35]why the power is out?

[4:37]Um, when it might be back on, what do I

[4:41]tell the guests about

[4:43]this? She did not react well to that.

[4:46]And that is what started everything.

[4:50]She never let it go for 2 months. Every

[4:54]time there was a situation like when

[4:56]they sat me down at the day and bullied

[4:58]me for an hour, they returned to that

[5:00]incident over and over and over again.

[5:04]Always to that original incident. They

[5:06]wanted me to be responsible for her

[5:09]reaction to

[5:12]me. I knew I had done nothing wrong. I

[5:16]did what a responsible

[5:18]coherent volunteer would do, a new one

[5:22]would do. They would reach out to the

[5:24]people that, you know, are responsible

[5:27]for the situation and and seek guidance.

[5:32]She was so dismissive in that text

[5:33]message. She didn't even take

[5:34]accountability for the power being out.

[5:36]She just sent me a link to the power um

[5:39]to the to the power company to look at a

[5:42]map. you know, it's like there's nothing

[5:44]I, you know, she could do. So, she was

[5:46]just, you know, okay, the power is out.

[5:48]I guess thanks for telling me. That was

[5:50]her attitude. That was her genuine

[5:52]attitude about it. I never have

[5:53]forgotten

[5:54]this. And so, this is me processing that

[5:59]all of my life, what carried me through

[6:01]life was taking ownership of of the

[6:05]projects I worked on, of the things that

[6:07]I chose to work on, of it's just

[6:11]integrity is what it is. me being me

[6:14]having integrity and the one time I

[6:16]tried to and I was rewarded for this.

[6:18]The reviews that I got from my clients

[6:20]are are stellar. I talk about that in

[6:24]the video. There's a link to those

[6:25]reviews. There's 40 of them where

[6:28]clients will point that out. Me taking

[6:31]ownership is one of the things that they

[6:33]were

[6:34]praising. And then the one

[6:37]time that I take that same work ethic

[6:40]into an

[6:43]institution, I am treated horribly for

[6:45]it for two months and then ejected my

[6:49]last week at that

[6:51]campground. What does that say about our

[6:53]systems, our institutions? Because it

[6:55]says nothing about me. It says a lot

[6:58]about

[7:01]them. It's disgraceful.

[7:07]It shows how weak they are because it's

[7:10]really about

[7:11]accountability. They didn't want to take

[7:14]accountability

[7:16]for uh the situation. I mean, yeah,

[7:19]there was nothing they could do, but

[7:20]they could make sure that their

[7:21]volunteers were well informed. This was

[7:23]another thing I offered them, you know,

[7:25]as a programmer. You know, I could

[7:26]create a system for you where all of the

[7:28]volunteers could just log into a website

[7:31]and see what's going on. So, we're not

[7:33]all texting you at the same time to find

[7:35]out so that we're all on the same page.

[7:38]I think that they were um they were

[7:41]threatened by that as well. I don't know

[7:43]why. I truly don't know why because that

[7:47]just seems like a logical thing to do.

[7:48]But when I talk to AI about this, I

[7:51]mean, it

[7:53]just repeatedly tells me that this is

[7:55]how institutions are. They are not

[7:57]looking for someone like me. They are

[8:01]looking

[8:02]for control. They

[8:05]want they want a volunteer who doesn't

[8:08]take

[8:09]responsibility

[8:11]who they can easily control. Like I it's

[8:14]like like they want us

[8:16]to be incompetent. I don't understand

[8:19]it. This is AI always goes to this

[8:21]though and it's just repeated and I'm

[8:23]still kind of kind of sitting with that

[8:25]trying to understand it because I have

[8:27]always looked at institutions from the

[8:29]outside. I was never inside of one until

[8:32]then and I can't reject what AI is

[8:35]saying because I experienced it

[8:38]viscerally.

[8:40]So this is what I'm processing tonight.

[8:45]This video is so long I have to pull all

[8:46]my power out so I can get my internet

[8:49]working to upload it. I was trying to

[8:51]make a really short one that was like a

[8:53]minute long so I could easily upload it,

[8:55]but that didn't

[8:57]work. I don't know how to talk that way,

[9:00]I guess. So, I'm set my power

[9:04]up. Um, but that gives me a chance to

[9:07]talk about some further thoughts.

[9:16]So, yeah, give me a

[9:18]minute. All

[9:20]right. So, it's not that they want you

[9:22]to be incompetent. I think I misspoke

[9:25]that. It's more that they want you to be

[9:28]compliant. and taking ownership the way

[9:32]that I

[9:34]did for some reason is a threat to them

[9:37]because it's a hierarchy and I guess I'm

[9:41]not responsible. You know, the power

[9:42]goes out and the guests get upset. I'm

[9:44]not responsible for that. I just have to

[9:46]let the guests abuse me. That's kind of

[9:48]the expectation. It truly is. Um and I

[9:51]actually know that now from from work,

[9:53]you know, from volunteering there for

[9:54]the time that I did. This is genuinely

[9:57]how they think. I even remember sitting

[9:59]down the first time of the day you serio

[10:01]them after um we supposedly let the

[10:03]matter go where she told me that she

[10:06]viewed

[10:08]um she viewed volunteers and rangers as

[10:11]a family as equals and I looked at her

[10:14]and I just knew that was I I

[10:16]knew it was And then for the

[10:18]next two months, she would repeat this

[10:20]line more than once. And you could tell

[10:23]every time, okay, this is such a script

[10:25]that she's just sharing right now, you

[10:27]know, and she knows that I know. You you

[10:29]can just tell that she knows I know

[10:31]because she keeps returning to it, you

[10:33]know. She she wants me to believe this.

[10:35]And I feel like the fact that I I

[10:37]refused to just play along, that I

[10:39]didn't go along with the script and say,

[10:40]"Oh, yeah, of course you do." was part

[10:42]of the reason why she never really gave

[10:44]me a second chance. But, you know, I'm

[10:47]not performative. I'm not going to I'm

[10:50]not gonna So, and the reason I couldn't

[10:52]is because I don't believe that. I don't

[10:54]see rangers and

[10:56]um volunteers as equals. So, how does

[10:59]she possibly think this? It was just

[11:01]such nonsense. Like, there was no way.

[11:03]Like, I could not buy into that myself.

[11:05]So, it just didn't make any sense to me.

[11:08]Looking for my keys so I can get my Jeep

[11:10]going. What did I do with them?

[11:14]This place is very clean and organized.

[11:16]I'm so happy about that. I got to leave

[11:18]in the morning tomorrow. I did not hear

[11:21]back from the Forest Service yet. I um

[11:24]had to do some fingerprinting as part of

[11:28]their background check process and I

[11:30]think that that just hasn't come back

[11:31]yet. I was supposed to come back within

[11:32]48 hours. It's been over 72

[11:35]now. Hoping I hear from her in the

[11:38]morning because if I don't then I'm

[11:40]really in trouble because I have nowhere

[11:42]to go still. Well, you know, I'm trying

[11:44]very hard to get things together. I

[11:47]mean, hopefully you guys see that. I

[11:48]mean, there's a reason I'm making videos

[11:50]about my work life and trying to build

[11:52]out my programming history and all that.

[11:54]And also trying to get a volunteer job

[11:56]with an, you know, a different agency

[11:57]because I need stable housing so that I

[12:00]can look for work in town. I'm going to

[12:02]be 40 miles away from here.

[12:05]So, you know, and I don't have a lot of

[12:07]gas. And the gas I do have powers the

[12:09]things in my

[12:10]RV. And so, I can't, you know, go 40

[12:13]miles down there and start looking for

[12:14]work until I'm actually there. And so,

[12:16]it's just, you know, my life is so

[12:18]complicated. Um, I'm just going to say

[12:21]this once. There are links in my

[12:23]description for um donating and it would

[12:26]help me a lot because I literally have

[12:27]nothing right now and you know it would

[12:30]just help immensely especially if

[12:33]tomorrow I don't hear from her in time

[12:34]and I have to find a campground for the

[12:37]weekend you know to give her more time

[12:39]because that's all this is. I don't have

[12:40]a criminal history. There's no reason

[12:42]why that um background check shouldn't

[12:45]you know should be a pro it's not going

[12:46]to be a problem for me. I'm just stuck

[12:48]waiting on it.

[12:51]So, I'm hopeful, but even, you know,

[12:54]even if she comes through, I really

[12:55]could use some money because I I need

[12:57]money for fuel to to look for work in

[12:59]town. I need groceries. Um I I truly

[13:04]don't know what I you know, I've asked

[13:05]my my ex-client who I still do work with

[13:07]every once in a while off for money and

[13:09]he just doesn't have it. And that was

[13:11]really that's always my last my last

[13:14]recourse. So I guess asking on YouTube

[13:19]like I don't know some kind of lemming.

[13:21]I don't know what orb should I use for

[13:23]that. That's probably my last thread of

[13:26]hope. So it never really results in

[13:29]anything but every once in a while

[13:30]somebody does send me 20 bucks and I

[13:32]really do appreciate it. So if you could

[13:33]be that person this time I would really

[13:35]appreciate it. So anyways,

[13:40]um I'm just

[13:43]processing the implications

[13:46]of the contradiction of, you know, you

[13:49]would think that they would want you to

[13:51]have integrity and

[13:54]to take ownership of your role and to

[13:56]try to contribute in meaningful ways,

[13:58]but they don't want that in

[13:59]institutions. And this is not something

[14:02]I could really have known because my

[14:03]entire life I was on the outside of

[14:05]them. So, so

[14:07]I'm I'm that's what I'm processing

[14:11]especially because my hope is to

[14:13]integrate with another institution,

[14:15]right? So, and I'm going to handle that

[14:16]very differently than I did the first

[14:18]time. I still want to have integrity. I

[14:21]still want to, you know, live my ethics

[14:23]and be myself. And that's a complicated

[14:28]thing for me to navigate now because I

[14:29]truly don't know like where do you like

[14:33]you can only at least for me how I

[14:35]learn. I learn in real time. I'm always

[14:38]adapting. I'm always learning. And so

[14:40]for those two months I was at that park.

[14:42]That's exactly what I did. Like I

[14:44]learned from that interaction with her.

[14:46]I adapted but she didn't let it go. So

[14:50]nothing ever got resolved. It was always

[14:52]constant escalation on their side. and I

[14:54]was always navigating their

[14:56]escalations. And so, you know, and I'm

[14:58]trying to learn. I'm trying to adapt.

[15:00]And I just don't want another situation

[15:02]like

[15:03]that. But, um, ultimately, you know, it

[15:07]is going to be freelance work. I've done

[15:08]it all of my life. There's no reason why

[15:10]I can't return to that. I'm doing

[15:12]everything in my power to get that going

[15:14]as quickly and as smoothly as possible.

[15:16]and I'll make plenty of money, which

[15:18]will uh fund my life and my explorations

[15:22]and my YouTube channel cuz you guys will

[15:24]get to witness all of the exploring I do

[15:26]of the coast. I still need to get up to

[15:28]the Columbia River. You know, I've only

[15:30]made it halfway up the coast and this

[15:31]summer I would love to take a trip back

[15:33]to Kentucky. There's some work I' I'd

[15:35]like to see my mom. There's some work

[15:36]I'd like to do to my teeth there with my

[15:38]dentist. And um there's work I want to

[15:41]do in my RV. I want to completely redo

[15:43]my side, get the slide fixed, and redo

[15:45]the um just the way that it is cuz my

[15:47]bed is not long enough for me. That's

[15:49]one thing I've been complaining about

[15:51]for a year. Um I just want to tear out

[15:53]that wardrobe there, this wardrobe here.

[15:57]Um let me see if I can get a good angle

[15:59]on it. This this wardrobe here, so that

[16:01]this bed is longer. And then I want to

[16:03]take this space here, my office area. I

[16:07]really should have just flipped the

[16:08]camera. um redo that into a real office

[16:11]and just get rid of the wardrobe and

[16:13]I'll still keep the slide in even after

[16:15]I fix it, but it will seal better and

[16:18]it'll, you know, be warmer in here and

[16:19]stuff. But, um, so I want to do all of

[16:23]that and there's some upgrades I want to

[16:25]make. I want to get solar again. I want

[16:27]to upgrade the alternator on my Jeep. I

[16:29]want to get my inverter installed into

[16:31]that. I want to upgrade the batteries in

[16:33]my RV, get lithium ones, and get an

[16:34]inverter for that so that my plugs work

[16:36]when it's on battery

[16:38]power. There's all kinds of plans I

[16:41]have. And this is a transitional period

[16:43]for me.

[16:45]And people in my audience who truly care

[16:48]about me and my life and my channel, I

[16:50]really hope will try to contribute

[16:53]cuz this is just a phase. It will end

[16:56]and things will get better. I guess I'll

[16:58]end it there. I just um just wanted to

[17:01]reflect on some things.

Summary

rswfire reflects on a revelation connecting his lifelong pattern of taking ownership in freelance work with his rejection from Oregon State Parks. He recounts how his career as a programmer was built on taking ownership of projects, which clients praised in reviews. When he applied this same approach as a park volunteer—texting his supervisor about a power outage at 6am and stating he owned the problem in guests' eyes—she reacted negatively, leading to two months of escalation and his eventual expulsion.

He processes how institutions apparently want compliance rather than ownership, contrasting this with his successful freelance career. The speaker discusses his current situation: waiting for Forest Service background check results, needing to leave his current location tomorrow, and requesting donations due to financial constraints. He outlines future plans including RV modifications, solar upgrades, coastal exploration, and a potential trip to Kentucky.

The transmission occurs in his RV with power off, using only battery and external light. He mentions creating a programming history video earlier that day and reflects on the contradiction between institutional expectations and integrity-based work approaches.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission maps the architectural incompatibility between sovereign integrity and institutional compliance structures. It demonstrates real-time pattern integration - connecting a lifetime of freelance ownership dynamics with institutional rejection to reveal systemic design rather than personal failure.

Dominant Language

taking ownershipintegrationprocessinginstitutional rejectioncompliance vs. integrityfreelancer identitytransitional period

Symbolic Elements

powerthresholdmirrorgrid

Ontological States

•
integrating
•
sovereign
•
transitional
•
coherent

Subsystems

•
cognitive
•
ethical
•
infrastructural

Transmission Details

Source Type

youtube

Duration