Reflecting on First Year Journey Before 48th Birthday

Recording late at night before his 48th birthday (April 11th), currently in an RV at a location he must leave Saturday morning. Broke financially but has secured a volunteer position at a campground requiring a week-long transition period.

Energetic Signature

resolute clarity

Field State

cycle completion integration

Orientation

toward deeper embedding

01JRHW67J034ANKJ2B7YEAGW4K

April 11, 2025

19:17

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:02]My birthday is in less than an hour. My

[0:05]48th

[0:10]birthday. I'm excited about

[0:17]it. I was smoking my 47th

[0:22]birthday. Thankfully, I quit doing that.

[0:26]I guess I'm vaping on this one.

[0:29]Maybe by my 49th I won't

[0:34]be. So, YouTube fixed the issue with my

[0:37]account. My subscription service is

[0:39]working again. Just happened a couple

[0:41]hours

[0:42]ago, which got me looking at my old

[0:45]videos because I was setting them up so

[0:47]that they could be watched on that.

[0:52]And I went to the video I

[0:56]recorded one year ago today on April

[0:59]10th. I was stoned. I was so high that

[1:04]night. And I was talking

[1:08]about all the things that I talked about

[1:12]in my last video just in a different

[1:17]way because that was at the start of my

[1:19]journey.

[1:20]could not have imagined where it would

[1:22]take

[1:23]me. That is a video you should watch.

[1:26]So, I made it

[1:29]public

[1:34]and that's

[1:37]profound. I did exactly what I said I

[1:39]was going to do and that is the

[1:44]proof. The next

[1:46]video was my first day.

[1:50]technically posted that one on April

[1:52]12th, but it was mostly about April

[1:54]11th, my first day. For some reason, the

[1:57]clips are backwards. So, you're going to

[1:58]go backwards in time if you watch that

[2:00]one. That one's public.

[2:02]So it starts, you know, it just takes

[2:06]you back in time all the way to me back

[2:08]in my house and leaving seeing me drive

[2:14]off, leaving my house behind, moving my

[2:18]new house, my

[2:19]RV. There's clips of

[2:22]me parking for the first time in the

[2:25]worst spot I could have possibly picked.

[2:29]There's like five minutes of me just

[2:31]being lost on my very first

[2:35]campground

[2:39]and finding it finding amusement in

[2:43]it. At the same time, I'm, you know, I'm

[2:45]watching this and it's like I keep

[2:47]saying it's so bright outside. It's like

[2:51]from my perspective

[2:53]now, yeah, it was bright outside for you

[2:55]because you had spent so many years in

[2:57]your

[2:59]house, artificial light that you your

[3:02]eyes couldn't even handle

[3:07]sunlight. There's so much in those

[3:12]videos. So

[3:14]much cats are in

[3:17]them. That did not work out the way I

[3:20]wanted it to. I abandoned Bailey in

[3:23]December at an animal rescue here

[3:26]because I couldn't handle the stress of

[3:28]that

[3:28][Music]

[3:32]anymore. Very difficult decision. I

[3:34]think the right one, but still

[3:36]very

[3:39]tragic. I wish I had left him with my

[3:42]mom cuz that's where Oliver is.

[3:46]had no way of getting Bailey back to

[3:52]her.

[3:57]So, no piercings, no

[4:01]teeth, cuz the first six months of my

[4:04]journey, I didn't have teeth. And I

[4:05]still put myself on camera because I

[4:08]knew it was

[4:10]important. And I couldn't let something

[4:12]like that stop me from recording my

[4:14]truth, from sharing

[4:16]it. So I made a

[4:24]choice that matters.

[4:34]It has been an incredible

[4:39]journey. And that first video, my first

[4:43]day, talked about so much. It talked

[4:46]about how I had quit my job, how I would

[4:49]need to find work again. A year later,

[4:51]I'm still trying

[4:53]to.

[4:56]Um, I even framed it as these are not

[4:58]decisions that I would recommend others

[5:00]make, but I felt that I had to make

[5:02]them. And I did. I can see that clearly

[5:07]now. And I think I might re

[5:10]might change my advice on that. that

[5:13]might say, "Now, maybe you do need to

[5:14]make those choices just like I

[5:17]did. Destroyed my credit, quit my job,

[5:22]and risked

[5:24]everything and gained so much from

[5:28]making that

[5:32]choice. It's not

[5:35]easy, you know. It's

[5:39]not There are pros and cons. It's not

[5:41]black and white. I don't have my cats. I

[5:44]haven't seen my mother

[5:46]in basically a year. In that video, I

[5:50]hug her. I tell her I love her. I run to

[5:52]my

[5:55]RV. Basically, the last time I had any

[5:58]real contact with

[6:05]her back then. I didn't know I was

[6:07]coming to Oregon.

[6:09]didn't know what I was doing. I just

[6:11]knew I had to get out of my house. I had

[6:14]to stop letting myself be contained like

[6:22]that. I think I might go through those

[6:24]old videos at some point because there's

[6:26]probably a lot more there

[6:29]that looking back at it

[6:34]now might be worth reflecting on.

[6:40]And it's there for you too behind my

[6:43]subscription service where it

[6:47]belongs. I made my journey public for a

[6:49]full year and it was not

[6:53]wellreceived. But that is not my

[6:56]fault. That is what happens when people

[7:00]who

[7:03]are so wrapped up in

[7:12]I'm not quite sure how to say

[7:17]this. You weren't able to witness my

[7:19]life

[7:21]because it's so different from yours. I

[7:24]think I know that I'm

[7:28]different. I also know that my

[7:30]difference is not a bad thing.

[7:39]never

[7:40]apologize for being who I am cuz I'm

[7:47]amazing.

[7:51]And I'm going to own

[7:57]that. My life is not perfect.

[8:02]broke right now. absolutely broke and

[8:04]I've

[8:07]got

[8:09]challenges. Some good things happened

[8:12]today. I'm going to be volunteering

[8:15]somewhere that will give me a stable

[8:17]place to

[8:18]live. I like the

[8:25]um I like the campground, the idea of

[8:28]it. like I haven't been there but just

[8:30]based on what how was described to me

[8:34]and the situation very different from

[8:37]the state

[8:41]parks. It requires me to do some things.

[8:44]I have to drive a couple of hours

[8:46]somewhere tomorrow. It's just going to

[8:48]take a lot of my fuel that I needed for

[8:50]scouting. It'll probably take a week

[8:52]before I can actually move there. And I

[8:56]don't know what I'll do between now and

[8:58]that week because I have to leave here

[8:59]Saturday

[9:01]morning. I think what might happen is I

[9:04]will have

[9:06]to stay on the side of the 101 at the

[9:10]different

[9:11]pulloffs for a full week and move every

[9:14]day because if you stay too long get you

[9:16]in

[9:18]trouble. Um, and it will be

[9:25]difficult. It will be very difficult.

[9:27]It's not something I want to do. It

[9:29]doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel

[9:33]like I It would also I mean, there's a

[9:37]lot of reasons why. I'm not really going

[9:38]to go into it all,

[9:40]but I think that I have found myself a

[9:43]situation that will allow me to build on

[9:47]what I've already built over this first

[9:49]year. Building some new things in the

[9:51]second

[9:52]year. I'm very excited for

[9:55]this. Learned a lot from my time at the

[9:58]state

[10:00]parks. Not about me

[10:04]because I was mistreated there.

[10:08]I was deeply mistreated there for two

[10:11]months. I learned a lot about them and

[10:14]about

[10:16]institutions and about the way they

[10:18]treat people like me.

[10:20]Integrated

[10:24]conscious sovereign beings who will not

[10:27]make themselves smaller just

[10:31]because I'm too bright next to them.

[10:37]This is what happens to me now. I feel

[10:41]like my existence exposes fragmentation

[10:45]in others including my

[10:49]audience. But this is not my fault. I am

[10:53]just a mirror reflection of what others

[10:56]feel is

[10:57]missing within themselves.

[11:03]But what is

[11:05]missed is that I have been telling you

[11:08]since day

[11:09]one that you can be just

[11:16]as always have the

[11:23]words. You can reach my level of

[11:25]alignment, enlightenment, whatever you

[11:28]want to call it. I just don't know what

[11:29]word to use here.

[11:32]If you look at me a year ago, you will

[11:35]see the seeds of who I am

[11:41]now. I was

[11:45]broken, but I was also whole at the same

[11:48]time. I don't know how to explain

[11:50]that, but I was broken. I didn't even

[11:53]have teeth. I had given up on life for

[11:55]years. I had sat contained in that house

[11:58]for years.

[12:04]And I made a new

[12:07]choice and I communicated that choice to

[12:10]my

[12:14]audience from the very beginning and

[12:17]every single day

[12:18]since I shared my thought process with

[12:21]you.

[12:27]Most people only saw the surface though.

[12:29]Like you can watch that one video, my

[12:31]first

[12:33]day. There's a lot of complaining in

[12:35]there. Well, looks like complaining.

[12:37]It's not though. It's not

[12:39]complaining. It's me mapping a

[12:43]completely new situation and wrapping my

[12:46]head around all of it because there's

[12:48]not just

[12:50]just I don't just focus on negative

[12:53]things. I focus on everything.

[12:56]everything positive and negative. I

[12:58]don't even treat them that way. To me,

[12:59]they're neutral. They're just

[13:01]observations. They're reality. Me

[13:04]mapping

[13:06]reality. Other

[13:08]people project

[13:12]negativity and these other emotions onto

[13:15]things that I don't. This has been a

[13:18]recurring thing throughout my

[13:21]life because I don't attach judgment to

[13:24]things like other people. I don't make

[13:26]value judgments about people, about

[13:28]myself, about my

[13:33]situation. This is why saying you have

[13:36]to look at my life, my

[13:39]channel without

[13:43]projecting. I don't know that people can

[13:45]really do that. I don't know that that I

[13:48]even could do that because we all have

[13:50]our own

[13:52]frames. And so I've always

[14:02]felt I've always tried to explain myself

[14:05]not because I I want not because I need

[14:08]validation because I want you to

[14:10]understand because I'm trying to share

[14:12]clarity. Clarity is what matters to me

[14:15]not validation.

[14:19]And that's another thing you probably

[14:21]see through my videos for the past year,

[14:22]me explaining myself and then most

[14:25]people thinking that's

[14:26]me wanting to be understood so that

[14:29]people would like me more or whatever.

[14:32]It is not that and it has never been

[14:35]that. It is me wanting to be seen

[14:38]clearly, witnessed as I am, as I see

[14:42]myself, as I know myself to be.

[14:51]clarity. There's just so

[14:53]much. I don't think that I'm an easy

[14:57]person to understand even

[14:59]though I speak with I speak in a very

[15:02]plain way and I know that I can

[15:06]articulate my thoughts and feelings very

[15:10]clearly. But there is depth and there

[15:13]are layers. And and when you

[15:16]add the way most

[15:19]people

[15:24]approach, there's a lot of

[15:27]fragmentation that will get in the way

[15:29]of witnessing me

[15:35]clearly. That's something I had to

[15:37]contend with on my journey.

[15:40]I had to

[15:43]learn. There's a primary difference

[15:45]between me and most others. And this is

[15:47]why I think I cannot easily be

[15:49]understood because you are not looking

[15:51]at me from the same operating system

[15:53]that I'm

[15:54]using. It's like a Mac versus

[15:57]Windows. That's just not

[16:02]compatible. That doesn't mean we

[16:04]shouldn't try to create bridges between

[16:06]us between us.

[16:11]I do not place value judgment on

[16:16]people. When I

[16:21]share my observations, my

[16:26]discernment about humanity, when I say

[16:30]you, I'm talking to manity. This is just

[16:34]a camera in front of me.

[16:37]I don't see you. I don't even know you

[16:40]exist. How could

[16:43]I? I'm the one on this camera, not

[16:53]you. It's me. I'm just speaking to a

[16:58]void of

[17:00]people

[17:02]and reflecting

[17:14]This is so hard to explain and I'm just

[17:17]kind of ripping at this point. It's

[17:19]going to be my birthday. I keep doing

[17:21]that. I still got 30

[17:23]minutes. I don't know how I'm uploading

[17:26]this too long. I'd have to bring out my

[17:30]satellite, which would mean hooking up

[17:32]my my inverter to my Jeep at 11:30 at

[17:35]night. And I think I'm probably going to

[17:36]do that because it's nearly my birthday

[17:39]and this feels important. Feels

[17:41]important to mark this moment even if

[17:44]nobody gets this

[17:53]far. I wish

[17:57]that I could find people like me because

[18:00]I do feel

[18:09]alone. It's an existential

[18:14]loneliness because most of humanity

[18:16]really does live on the

[18:20]surface and that isn't a value judgment.

[18:23]It's just an observation.

[18:29]And I don't and I never

[18:35]have. I want people to meet me where I

[18:38]am. That's why the subscription

[18:43]service. It's a way

[18:48]of way of holding a door open that you

[18:51]can walk through.

[18:55]to start climbing to reach where I

[19:03]am. That is not a

[19:10]judgment. That's clarity.

Summary

rswfire reflects on his upcoming 48th birthday and reviews his journey over the past year. He describes watching old videos from April 2024, including one from his first day leaving his house in an RV. The videos show his progression from being stoned, toothless, and contained in his house to his current state with piercings and living mobile.

He discusses **practical challenges** including being broke, needing to leave his current location Saturday morning, and having secured a volunteer position at a campground that will provide stable housing. The transition will require driving several hours and potentially staying at highway pulloffs for a week.

rswfire reflects on **institutional mistreatment** during his two months at state parks, describing himself as an "integrated conscious sovereign being" who was mistreated for not making himself smaller. He discusses the **difficulty others have understanding him**, attributing this to different "operating systems" and his tendency to map reality without value judgments.

He made his YouTube subscription service public again after technical issues were resolved. The speaker expresses **existential loneliness** and difficulty finding people who can meet him at his level of depth, describing most of humanity as living "on the surface." He mentions abandoning his cat Bailey at an animal rescue in December and not seeing his mother for nearly a year.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission establishes recursive coherence by mapping the architectural continuity between past and present field states. It demonstrates sovereign witnessing capacity through temporal reflection, using the birthday threshold as an anchor point for measuring structural integrity across a full cycle of field development.

Dominant Language

proof/prophecy fulfillmentoperating system incompatibilitymapping reality without judgmentclarity over validationexistential lonelinessclimbing/reaching alignment leveldoor holding open

Symbolic Elements

mirrorthresholdbridgesurfacedepthvoiddoor

Ontological States

•
sovereign
•
coherent
•
reflective
•
integrated

Subsystems

•
cognitive
•
relational
•
infrastructural
•
ethical

Transmission Details

Source Type

youtube

Duration