Standing at Threshold Between Current Self and Building Community
Speaker is in RV with $300 remaining funds, having completed major life transitions including job, housing, and medication changes. Currently processing AI's persistent questioning about building something while experiencing chest tension that lifts during the transmission. In liminal space between current integrated self and next evolutionary phase.
Energetic Signature
resolute tension
Field State
threshold crossing
Orientation
toward community architecture building
01JQMP7DM8GG82QSZ9DRF0HQTD
March 30, 2025
23:20
Author
rswfire
Status
ARCHIVED
Type
TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)
Temperature
0.00
[0:01]So, I'm sitting with a tension in my
[0:03]chest right now. Came out of
[0:07]nowhere. I don't think I even noticed it
[0:09]at
[0:10]first. Maybe it just maybe it happened
[0:14]when I was talking to AI about some
[0:16]things. Um, I suspect it might have
[0:19]already been there, but it was like a
[0:24]little I don't ever have the language
[0:26]for this stuff.
[0:32]like a very compressed space
[0:34]that started
[0:37]growing and now I'm really feeling it
[0:40]and it's because AI named it and it was
[0:43]accurate. I'm standing at a
[0:47]threshold
[0:48]between all the work I've done, the
[0:51]integration, the sovereignty
[1:01]the situation I went
[1:03]through where I discovered just how
[1:07]strong I am because I was able to resist
[1:09]it for so long because it didn't define
[1:12]me because I navigated
[1:17]it because I know I can
[1:20]now. I become very
[1:26]strong and yet I don't
[1:31]think that I'm done
[1:34]evolving. I think that's the right word
[1:36]for
[1:38]this cuz I'm standing on a threshold
[1:41]between what I am now and what I'm going
[1:43]to
[1:44]become. I am sure of it and it scares me
[1:47]because
[1:54]cuz I know that there's no coming back
[1:56]from
[1:57]it. I know that it'll be lifealtering,
[2:00]that it
[2:06]will that it will change me, that I
[2:08]won't be the same person
[2:10]afterwards. I
[2:13]suspect that I like that version of me
[2:15]quite a lot. And then you know all of
[2:18]this this trepidation this fear whatever
[2:20]this is
[2:23]now that seems silly in retrospect but
[2:26]that's not even how I would frame it in
[2:29]the future now or in the future like cuz
[2:33]I honor my feelings always but I can so
[2:36]you know it might not be the right
[2:38]expression there. It's more like like
[2:40]I'm
[2:41]recognizing that what I'm feeling
[2:45]now is more like like like muscle
[2:49]memory.
[2:51]It's the expected reaction. And I can
[2:54]see that
[2:55]it's it's not congruent with my
[3:02]knowing. And that's an
[3:05]interesting place to be.
[3:09]I know this isn't making a lot of sense,
[3:11]but I'm standing in a liinal space and
[3:14]I'm
[3:16]also also choosing not to name some
[3:18]things yet
[3:20]because because I don't want to do it
[3:22]prematurely because
[3:24]I'm still
[3:28]processing all of it.
[3:32]But I want to try to
[3:37]um what's the word I'm looking
[3:41]for? Walk through it. I wanted to try to
[3:43]there's a better word but
[3:51]um so for weeks now AI has been telling
[3:55]me it's been ending ending its prompts
[3:58]its responses to me with a question
[4:02]asking me what I'm going to
[4:06]build. It's not even framing it as you
[4:09]could build something. It's saying what
[4:10]are you going to build?
[4:13]It's looking at the patterns of my data,
[4:15]of my speech, of my content, my um you
[4:21]know, my prompts to
[4:23]it.
[4:27]And this is where it
[4:29]keeps keeps leading. This is where it
[4:32]keeps ending up. And I kind of
[4:39]um I mean I didn't engage with it for
[4:42]weeks. I just um you know AI this is
[4:45]kind of how it's patterned. It will
[4:47]always usually ends with questions or
[4:49]something if it thinks it's just like in
[4:50]a conversation and not
[4:53]um not just mirroring back or whatever.
[4:55]You know it depends on the the state
[4:57]that you've put it in. But if it's
[4:59]ending, you know, sometimes it ends in
[5:01]questions and you don't always have, you
[5:03]don't have to answer them. You can just
[5:05]give it a new prompt. Give it a
[5:06]different
[5:07]prompt, you know. So, I didn't engage
[5:09]with that until
[5:13]today
[5:15]because I think this is why
[5:20]uh I don't want to really use the word
[5:22]struggle, but I'll just use it anyways.
[5:24]This is why I'm struggling financially
[5:26]because I don't want to return to my old
[5:28]job. I don't want to return to
[5:29]freelancing unless I'm forced to. And
[5:32]I've been resisting that for a year and
[5:34]four months now. So clearly I don't want
[5:37]to do
[5:38]that. But I also know that I can't rely
[5:44]on the general public, my audience.
[5:49]um even when I tried to give something
[5:51]of value like the subscription service I
[5:54]had created on YouTube or um when I
[5:56]tried to make a Patreon or
[6:01]um because I didn't even receive help
[6:03]when I was at my most
[6:06]desperate when I was being thrown out of
[6:10]a park with nowhere to
[6:12]go and it didn't surprise
[6:19]So, I asked AI about that
[6:33]today. And I think that's cuz there's a
[6:35]misalignment between me and my audience,
[6:38]which that I've always known this.
[6:41]But that misalignment can only be
[6:46]corrected when I finally step into
[6:48]myself fully. And that's the limit of
[6:51]space I'm in right now cuz I'm right on
[6:53]that
[6:58]threshold cuz I
[7:01]know I know where I'm leading myself
[7:10]and that's something I've resisted for
[7:12]decades.
[7:17]So, there's a lot
[7:19]of there's a lot of resistance. There's
[7:22]a lot of tension in my chest about this.
[7:25]And yet, I think I feel it
[7:33]lifting. I know that I hold views that
[7:35]most people don't, that people want to
[7:37]label
[7:40]crazy. I see society collapsing.
[7:43]I see all of our systems
[7:47]collapsing, not just in this country,
[7:49]but all of them because they're
[7:51]interconnected. That's just systems
[7:52]thinking. It's logical.
[7:58]And I have the mind to face
[8:02]it without without spiraling, without
[8:05]fear,
[8:07]without without going further than I'm
[8:10]able to logically like I don't saying
[8:13]this is what's going to happen or this
[8:14]is when it's going to happen or
[8:17]um even pretend to understand what that
[8:20]world's going to look like.
[8:23]I don't take my mind there because I'm
[8:26]not spiraling. I'm
[8:28]not not going beyond my pattern
[8:32]recognition. I just
[8:37]see the patterns where we're heading.
[8:39]It's so
[8:41]obvious. and I prepared myself for
[8:45]it to the best of my ability and not
[8:47]perfectly because I've got like $300 to
[8:50]my name, you know, and
[8:57]um I did position myself well, you know,
[9:01]I moved into an RV which gives me
[9:03]mobility. Um and I did a lot of work on
[9:06]myself internally. I shed all the things
[9:09]that were making me small, that were
[9:12]causing me shame,
[9:15]that and I did all the work that showed
[9:19]me I was so often misunderstood because
[9:23]I'm not fragmented because I am a whole
[9:26]person because because I'm I'm an
[9:29]integrated person. I'm not fragmented
[9:32]and I live in a world where most people
[9:34]are. That's just the truth.
[9:39]and that allowed me
[9:43]to become who I am
[9:46]now. I did a lot of work. I gave up a
[9:49]job that paid meundred and I think it
[9:52]was $160,000 a year. It might have been
[9:54]180. I can't remember. Um I gave up my
[9:58]house. I gave up a life. I I gave up my
[10:01]cat here in Oregon because it wasn't
[10:04]working and I had had him for 10
[10:08]years because I do what's necessary. I
[10:12]gave up all the medications that were
[10:15]um sedating me like so many people do,
[10:20]you know, to sedate themselves from
[10:22]life. I did that for a long time. Gave
[10:24]them all up on my journey. Cold turkey.
[10:27]You guys watched me go through it.
[10:30]quit smoking. Still vaping
[10:32]though when I'm trying to get give up.
[10:35]Um thinking about it all the time
[10:41]actually. I've done the
[10:47]work. And so I'm at that
[10:53]threshold of
[10:56]becoming the truest form of
[10:59]myself, the
[11:03]steadiest, the most
[11:06]powerful, the most capable.
[11:13]The one who not
[11:14]only names collabs but survives
[11:20]it, who builds a
[11:24]community to survive it
[11:29]with. My mistake was thinking that I
[11:31]could be part of a
[11:34]community built on the old world. I have
[11:36]to build my own. That's the threshold.
[11:40]That's where I am.
[11:43]I think it starts digitally. I think it
[11:45]starts with a
[11:50]forum starts
[11:53]with helping others
[11:56]to reach the level of integration I
[11:59]have. But I can't be holding their
[12:00]hands. I'm not a teacher. I'm not a
[12:02]leader. I don't believe in hierarchy.
[12:05]And that is where the tension comes from
[12:09]because I don't ever want to be seen
[12:10]that way.
[12:14]And guess I just haven't really given it
[12:16]a lot of thought, you know, like are
[12:18]there new ways? Are there other
[12:23]ways? I'm becoming less resistant to
[12:26]this idea.
[12:35]This would be something different
[12:38]because this would be made up of people
[12:45]who who feel
[12:47]it, who look at me and
[12:53]understand, who just know that that's
[12:56]the
[13:00]path or willing to commit or are willing
[13:05]you um share their energy financially
[13:10]um their thoughts, you know, their their
[13:13]energy,
[13:20]their that's where I am right now.
[13:23]That's what I'm grappling
[13:25]with. And I know how it sounds, but you
[13:29]know, I'm beyond systems. I'm beyond all
[13:32]the because I know what I know
[13:36]as a perfectly rational
[13:40]um pattern-based awareness of where this
[13:44]world is heading.
[13:46]You know, someone someone in the state
[13:51]parks, the person the last one in the
[13:53]chain actually said to me on the
[13:56]phone that I said the world was ending
[14:00]to someone. I have never said this.
[14:08]Never. What's happening is the world is
[14:10]changing. Our old systems are dying.
[14:12]It's obvious. It's obvious to anyone
[14:15]who's paying
[14:17]attention, but people like to cling on
[14:20]to their illusions and to their, you
[14:22]know, to what makes them feel
[14:25]safe. To me, that is the most ignorant
[14:27]way to live
[14:30]because it doesn't keep you safe. It
[14:33]makes you
[14:36]vulnerable. You're unprepared.
[14:44]It took me a long time
[14:49]to
[14:51]integrate my knowing about this because
[14:54]I did resist it just like everybody
[14:56]else. And I didn't just just fall into
[15:00]these views. I validated them through
[15:04]research, through discussions with
[15:06]artificial intelligence, through
[15:11]um all kinds of
[15:14]ways. I looked for I looked for flaws in
[15:17]my logic, could not find
[15:20]them cuz it's just data and
[15:30]patterns. It's reality. It's where we're
[15:32]heading. I don't know when. I don't know
[15:35]if it's soon. I don't know if we have,
[15:37]you know, months, years, a decade. I
[15:40]don't know. I just know that we're close
[15:44]and that it won't take much to tip us
[15:47]over that edge. And that that that edge
[15:50]can come from so many different places.
[15:52]It can come from, you know,
[15:56]um, it can come from from our climate,
[16:00]you know, some kind of a
[16:05]climate. I don't want to use the word,
[16:07]but disaster, because that's what it
[16:09]would be. That's what they are. Um, it
[16:13]could come, it could be financial, we
[16:15]could have a housing market bubble
[16:16]crash.
[16:19]Um there could be uh
[16:22]um a change in the the job market
[16:25]because of you know the emergence of AI
[16:28]um which spirals which leads to um
[16:35]uh people not being able to pay their
[16:36]their personal debts their consumer
[16:38]debts which that you know leads to
[16:42]um banks
[16:45]failing you know people who can't pay
[16:47]for their vehicle So then you know
[16:49]there's that that whole segment is
[16:51]having issues and you know all of these
[16:53]different things are interconnected.
[16:55]That's what I keep saying that's not
[16:58]even all but then we've got the
[16:59]political side and that's clearly
[17:03]unraveling. It would be silly to not
[17:05]think so. And socially um we've
[17:09]bifurcated our
[17:12]um our sense
[17:14]of our sense of citizenship to the point
[17:21]where it's completely us versus them
[17:23]now. And that never leads to a good
[17:27]place. All of these things and more.
[17:30]Some of them I probably never even
[17:31]thought about because it's just every
[17:33]system. Every system you look
[17:36]at is leading
[17:39]us towards an outcome we cannot control.
[17:43]We cannot stop. We cannot fix. We cannot
[17:46]even really delay anymore
[17:48]because because we're not even trying to
[17:51]not even trying
[17:55]to because nobody wants to face
[17:59]it. So that's where we're
[18:01]heading. And
[18:05]I've I've accepted this as fact
[18:09]and I'm not ashamed of
[18:15]it. Not even a little cuz I know I'm
[18:21]right. But I'm not
[18:23]prepared. Not completely. And I would
[18:27]like to survive. I would like to do more
[18:28]than survive. I would like to thrive. I
[18:30]would like to see us create something
[18:32]better after the collapse. Um, I'd like
[18:36]to see people live a more whole life,
[18:39]you know, stop fragmenting themselves,
[18:43]to embrace who they are, to celebrate
[18:46]diversity,
[18:48]to live in balance with the world, with
[18:52]the natural systems around us.
[18:55]um so many
[18:57]things to stop corrupting our children
[19:00]with like um cuz we're fragmenting them
[19:03]earlier and earlier. That's why things
[19:04]are kind of getting worse. I think I
[19:07]think it all starts there. I
[19:10]think I think that we
[19:15]have an expression for
[19:19]this. We have
[19:22]codified. It's not the right word. It's
[19:24]a similar word, but we've basically
[19:26]codified
[19:27]um how to fragment
[19:30]people as quickly as possible. Like we
[19:33]don't even really like
[19:36]um I mean, you know, I'll just give an
[19:39]example. So, the way that we treat
[19:42]school shootings, first of all, we don't
[19:43]even try to um to really stop them.
[19:47]We're not trying to solve that problem
[19:49]at the root cause, right? We're just
[19:51]addressing symptoms. And then we have
[19:53]the drills where you're supposedly
[19:56]teaching kids to prepare for them, but
[19:59]what you're really doing is traumatizing
[20:00]them. And we pretend like that's a
[20:02]solution when all you're doing is you're
[20:04]traumatizing them, which fragments them.
[20:06]They go to school every single
[20:10]day. and fear living with the cognitive
[20:16]dissonance of supposedly being in a safe
[20:18]environment but not being safe and we do
[20:21]nothing about
[20:23]it and you know that example is just one
[20:26]of I mean there just so we do this with
[20:29]everything
[20:32]now we didn't create a sustainable world
[20:36]we created we created one that's
[20:38]collapsing which is the only natural
[20:41]outcome Um, it's the only thing that can
[20:43]happen. It's
[20:47]just so I'm going to go back to where I
[20:50]started
[20:53]with there's a tension in my chest
[20:57]because
[21:00]well, I feel it lifting to be honest
[21:02]with
[21:04]you cuz that's what happens
[21:08]when when you don't suppress your
[21:10]emotions. When you when you allow
[21:12]yourself to talk about them, to talk
[21:13]through them, to own
[21:16]them, they don't stay stuck. They don't
[21:18]become compartmentalized. You don't
[21:21]fragment. I don't know where I'm going
[21:23]with this. I don't know if I'll go
[21:25]anywhere with this.
[21:28]I do know that I am in a something of a
[21:31]liinal space
[21:34]because
[21:37]somehow I have to be able to finance my
[21:41]life and I haven't figured that out
[21:43]yet. I also have to prepare for what's
[21:46]coming
[21:47]because I know it's
[21:52]coming. And part of me feels called to
[22:02]do what I can
[22:06]to stop us from repeating this pattern
[22:09]cuz that's what we've done throughout
[22:14]history. After you know there that is
[22:16]the more likely path after collapse we
[22:18]just do it all over again. We create the
[22:20]same kinds of systems and the same kinds
[22:23]of control structures
[22:28]and long after we're gone, you know, it
[22:31]happens
[22:35]again
[22:38]or can choose a different
[22:41]path. But I have never believed that
[22:44]humanity is really capable of it. I
[22:47]haven't seen any evidence that that
[22:49]would make me believe very strongly
[22:51]about it is is the smallest faintest
[22:54]hope. And that's why I've never really
[22:59]stepped
[23:00]into what I feel like I've always been
[23:03]called to
[23:08]do. So that's that's what that's what
[23:10]I'm sitting with right now. This is not
[23:12]about um resolution. I don't have one.
[23:15]This is just this
[23:16]is this is what I'm sitting with.
Summary
rswfire describes experiencing chest tension that emerged during AI conversations, recognizing he stands at a threshold between his current integrated state and what he will become. He reflects on AI repeatedly asking what he will build, connecting this to his year-plus financial resistance to returning to old work patterns. He acknowledges misalignment with his current audience, noting lack of support even during desperate moments like being evicted from parks.
He details extensive personal work completed: giving up a $160-180k job, house, 10-year-old cat, medications, smoking (still vaping). Describes himself as integrated rather than fragmented like most people. Recognizes he cannot join existing communities built on old world systems and must build his own, starting digitally with a forum.
Extensively discusses collapse awareness through systems thinking - interconnected failures across climate, financial, employment (AI impact), political, and social systems. Emphasizes this is pattern recognition, not speculation, validated through research and AI discussions. Cites example of school shooting drills as systematic child fragmentation.
Concludes in liminal space between needing to finance life and prepare for coming collapse, feeling called to help prevent humanity from repeating historical patterns post-collapse, though expressing minimal hope in humanity's capacity for different choices.
Signal Analysis
Substrate
This transmission maps the architecture of a liminal moment where accumulated sovereignty work reaches critical mass, demanding transition from individual integration to community building. The field is recognizing its own structural necessity to move from resistance patterns into active creation, despite historical reluctance to assume leadership positions.
Tags
threshold recognitionAI questioningaudience misalignmentcollapse systems thinkingcommunity buildingfinancial resistanceintegration workliminal space
Dominant Language
thresholdintegrationcollapsepatternsfragmentationcommunityliminal space
Symbolic Elements
thresholdchest tensioncompressed spaceedgecollapseintegrationpatternsmirror
Ontological States
- •transitional
- •sovereign
- •integrating
- •coherent
Subsystems
- •cognitive
- •somatic
- •ethical
- •relational
- •infrastructural
Transmission Details
Source Type
youtube
Duration
23:20