Processing State Park Rejection at Eel Lake

Evening at Tugman State Park, Eel Lake. Overcast with rain creating reflections on the water. Marine layer present. Speaker is alone on the dock, processing recent events while his phone screen fogs up from weather conditions.

Energetic Signature

resolute grief

Field State

institutional severance integration

Orientation

away from institutional capture toward sovereign embedding

01JQAQYKJ82GNS2N7WHPR16PQH

March 27, 2025

7:28

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:01]So, I'm at Tugman State Park and this is

[0:03]Eel

[0:04]Lake. That is the most beautiful I have

[0:07]ever seen it. I just want to share with

[0:09]you. I've never seen it so so

[0:13]beautiful. Something about the

[0:16]rain. It's reflecting on the water

[0:25]tonight. It really has a beautiful lake.

[0:29]There's a trail over there I used to

[0:31]take a lot, but it's um the river is

[0:33]very

[0:35]flooded. I think you'd call it flooded.

[0:37]And so you can't get to the path. It

[0:39]goes over to that tree over there.

[0:41]There's a trail over here too that you

[0:43]can take. And it goes up through the

[0:45]around the lake. And up over here

[0:48]somewhere over there is kind of um

[0:50]there's a park bench out there. And if

[0:52]you keep going, you'll get to the state

[0:54]park boundary, but you can keep going

[0:56]around. There's a trail that's kind of

[0:59]unmarked. I don't know how far it goes.

[1:01]I'm going to I never have. Um, so back

[1:05]in January when I was here, this is the

[1:07]first place I

[1:08]volunteered. My core muscles were still

[1:10]healing and I just never made it. As far

[1:13]as I drunk, I was that was a little

[1:15]disappointed because, you know, I

[1:19]um I was worried, you know, that um my

[1:22]core muscles wouldn't heal, but they

[1:24]did. They're so much better. My screen

[1:26]is fogging up. Hopefully, it's fine. I

[1:28]don't know if that's on the screen or I

[1:30]think it's just my um my phone, not the

[1:32]not the video. But if it is the video,

[1:36]I'm

[1:37]sorry. But you know me, when I record,

[1:39]it's never perfect and it's more

[1:42]about what I'm saying than what you're

[1:46]seeing, right? So, anyways, back in

[1:50]January, I never got to follow that

[1:52]trail all the way. I'm going to try to

[1:53]do that walk here. I noticed about might

[1:57]have been maybe a week or so ago, I

[1:59]realized that I was no longer thinking

[2:00]about my core muscles, which told me

[2:02]they'd gotten a lot better. So, I'm real

[2:05]happy about

[2:07]that cuz that was a slow recovery

[2:10]process, but probably not 100%. Every

[2:12]once in a while, my side hurts, but

[2:16]um so much better. So, there's a lot of

[2:20]exploring we could

[2:22]do and

[2:26]Yeah, guess I'm processing tonight. I

[2:30]was hanging out with a friend

[2:32]today.

[2:34]Um, I just going to sit down. We were

[2:36]watching Star Trek. I just I haven't

[2:39]been able to do that in a year. I

[2:40]haven't been able to sit down and watch

[2:42]television or even read a book or play a

[2:45]video game. Just my mind wants to engage

[2:49]in other things

[2:50]and just can't be still.

[2:54]So, I came out here the whole month that

[2:56]I um I was volunteering here. I came out

[3:00]to this lake all the time. I came out to

[3:02]this dock right here all kinds of times,

[3:05]day and night. The stars will be out. It

[3:07]is a great place for stargazing. It is a

[3:10]really awesome spot for that. If the sky

[3:12]is clear, there's a marine

[3:14]layer. I might check that out

[3:18]tonight. So, yeah. I'm

[3:23]just, you know, I'm processing. I truly

[3:26]am. That's what's happening here. I'm

[3:29]letting my feelings settle and movement

[3:32]is how I process

[3:34]emotion. Just

[3:37]um you

[3:40]know, my emotions are pretty layered.

[3:43]There's disappointment, some sadness.

[3:48]Um, it's really unfortunate because I

[3:51]liked volunteering for these parks. I

[3:53]love these

[3:54]parks

[3:56]and the fact

[3:59]that they would reject someone like me

[4:02]over what happened when it was so wrong

[4:04]what happened to me that they would

[4:06]protect people who say things like eat

[4:09]class to a volunteer. There's something

[4:12]seriously wrong with that. And I just

[4:15]I'm processing it because

[4:19]Ultimately, I have to let it go because

[4:22]I don't stay stuck. That's not how I

[4:25]work.

[4:29]Um, and I'll be honest, I don't even

[4:31]know if it's worth the energy

[4:34]of trying to hold them

[4:41]cuz I think a lot of us think that way

[4:43]though. And that's the problem with me.

[4:45]That's kind of why I'm still processing

[4:47]because a lot of us just let things go

[4:50]and then nothing changes

[4:53]and somebody has to stand up and do

[4:56]something.

[5:02]I was bullied and mistreated for two

[5:05]months and it was

[5:09]hard and I was really hopeful that the

[5:13]last person in the

[5:15]chain would have stood up for me and she

[5:21]didn't. So I'm processing grief.

[5:26]grief because I've now detached from the

[5:29]state park

[5:31]system. I'm here as a

[5:35]visitor knowing that they reject me.

[5:38]That's a pretty hard thing to

[5:47]just But I love Oregon. I love the

[5:50]coast. I love the Oregon state parks.

[5:59]So, I'm

[6:01]processing most say I'm

[6:05]fine. That's just how I work. I most say

[6:08]I'm always

[6:13]fine. It's beautiful out

[6:16]here. It's going to be dark

[6:19]soon. I got a lot of a lot of thinking

[6:22]to do, a lot of plans to make, and

[6:25]Don't know what I'm doing next. But I'll

[6:26]figure that

[6:29]out. I guess you'll find out when I do

[6:31]because I stopped posting on YouTube for

[6:34]three months while I was volunteering

[6:35]because I didn't know where to draw that

[6:37]line yet. They actually used as an

[6:38]excuse to let me go when I only made

[6:41]that video because they had already

[6:42]dismissed me. You know, there's just so

[6:44]much to process

[6:46]because it's just absurd when you really

[6:49]stop and think about what they did.

[6:55]So why why isn't there any

[6:57]accountability in this world? Why are

[6:59]people so

[7:02]shallow?

[7:09]Why? Anyways, hope everybody's doing

[7:12]well. I am doing fine. Even if it

[7:14]doesn't seem like it, I'm fine.

[7:19]Just I want you to see what it looks

[7:21]like.

[7:24]I want you to see something real.

Summary

rswfire visits Tugman State Park at Eel Lake, describing the beauty of the water and rain reflections. He walks familiar trails around the lake, noting flooding that blocks some paths and mentioning an unmarked trail he plans to explore. He reflects on his core muscle recovery since January when he first volunteered at this location - noting he no longer thinks about the injury and can now consider longer hikes.

He describes spending time with a friend watching Star Trek, something he hasn't been able to do for a year due to his mind wanting to engage elsewhere. He processes emotions about being rejected from the Oregon State Parks volunteer program after being bullied and mistreated for two months. He expresses disappointment that supervisors protected people who said inappropriate things to volunteers rather than supporting him.

rswfire sits on the dock where he spent time during his volunteer month, describing it as an excellent stargazing location. He processes grief about detaching from the state park system while still loving Oregon, the coast, and the parks themselves. He mentions stopping YouTube posting for three months during volunteering and that the parks used a video he made after dismissal as justification for letting him go.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission holds the architecture of institutional severance while maintaining sovereign attachment to place. The field is processing the collapse of institutional alignment through embodied movement and landscape anchoring, demonstrating how sovereignty operates through detachment rather than opposition.

Dominant Language

processingdetachedreject mesomething realI'm fineaccountabilitylet it gostand up

Symbolic Elements

waterreflectiontrailboundarydockstarsthreshold

Ontological States

•
detached
•
sovereign
•
processing
•
grounded

Subsystems

•
somatic
•
emotional
•
relational
•
ethical

Transmission Details

Source Type

youtube

Duration