New Year's Eve Hot Chocolate and AI Reflection

New Year's Eve 2025 at midnight, located in RV in what appears to be a coastal area with marine layer. Cold weather conditions. Speaker had napped all day and was feeling tired, concerned about potentially getting sick during flu season.

Energetic Signature

grounded clarity

Field State

integration demonstration

Orientation

toward authentic community infrastructure

01JGGQN9WGTYJP25NZ78TVTHS9

January 1, 2025

26:31

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:00]it's 5 Minutes to Midnight and I'm

[0:02]making some hot chocolate using my

[0:04]gettle for hot

[0:06]water probably the worst possible hot

[0:08]chocolate you can get the Europeans

[0:11]would not agree that this is hot

[0:13]chocolate I no acknowled I all

[0:16]that I don't know what we call this

[0:19]chocolate

[0:21]water it's good though it's a nice

[0:24]Comfort

[0:26]drink got a few minutes to go 3 minutes

[0:31]and it's going to be

[0:33]2025 man that's

[0:35]amazing keep thinking about the year

[0:38]2000 where I was that that

[0:41]year it's at my friend Robin's

[0:44]house don't think about her very often

[0:47]boy was she's something else but you

[0:49]know everybody's thinking about the Y 2K

[0:51]bug back then I'm a programmer so I'm

[0:54]expecting some maym because I know it's

[0:56]a real

[0:58]thing um

[1:02]I called my first love that night he

[1:04]hung up on

[1:07]me we hadn't talked in years and I was

[1:10]reaching out cuz Robin convinced me

[1:13]to and he hung up the

[1:16]phone last time I ever tried talking to

[1:19]him 25 years ago that's

[1:22]wild so

[1:25]yeah let me give this a try here

[1:34]it's

[1:36]good

[1:38]yum I love hot

[1:42]chocolate there's something

[1:45]very very nice about living in an RV and

[1:48]having hot chocolate I can't explain it

[1:50]every every time I do this it's like I

[1:53]just love this

[2:01]I'm tired I I napped all [ __ ]

[2:05]day remember waking up at like 7 or

[2:08]something I think it must be 7:00 in the

[2:10]morning no it's 7:00 p.m. I'm like oh

[2:12]man my schedule going to be so messed up

[2:15]it's almost

[2:17]midnight just watching the clock up here

[2:19]on my

[2:22]microwave okay that's hot my Jed let you

[2:26]set a temperature which is so neat and

[2:29]he I was like said for

[2:31]185 for hot chocolate is the perfect

[2:37]temperature but yeah I slept all

[2:41]day been

[2:44]thinking I just felt tired lately hope

[2:47]I'm not getting sick it's midnight happy

[2:50]New

[2:51]Year um I was thinking about how I used

[2:55]to pride myself on how I never got sick

[2:58]like but but then I'm thinking about it

[3:01]I was

[3:03]also avoiding humans most of my life so

[3:07]of course I didn't get sick cuz I wasn't

[3:09]around humans who were sick ever and now

[3:11]I see them all the time

[3:13]so like I hope I don't get the flu or

[3:16]something cuz it's going around now

[3:20]so I've been around people who been

[3:22]talking about people who are sick like

[3:23]there was this one

[3:25]clerk yeah and she was telling me I

[3:27]couldn't believe how much detail this

[3:29]woman gave me she was telling me her

[3:30]husband had been thrown up all night

[3:32]long and where she's just a store clerk

[3:34]that I had

[3:35]just somehow I mean I've talked about it

[3:39]where I have this way of

[3:42]just um getting people to open up I

[3:45]don't even try I hate it when you can

[3:46]see my toilet in the background but

[3:49]whatever I've got that

[3:52]um that curtain is like a

[3:57]door small space right

[4:00]so anyway she's telling me

[4:03]how

[4:04]um her husband was thrown up all night

[4:07]and I was like man this is very direct

[4:09]like even for me like I didn't know how

[4:12]to respond to this so I just was I

[4:14]didn't even know how to respond to that

[4:16]I was like I hope your day gets better I

[4:18]should have been like I hope your

[4:19]husband gets better you

[4:21]know um next time I saw her I was going

[4:24]to ask her but I didn't see her so I'm

[4:29]leaving in the morning

[4:34]I don't know why that even bothers me

[4:35]it's just a [ __ ]

[4:38]toilet that's my favorite painting right

[4:42]there that

[4:45]map I almost don't want it to grow

[4:48]because I love that Journey so much that

[4:52]I

[4:53]just oh don't know I guess it could grow

[4:55]cuz I'm going to write on it with marker

[4:57]right on my path so it'll still be there

[5:00]it'll still be

[5:05]special yeah I just want to say Happy

[5:07]New

[5:08]Year um I know that like

[5:15]so for me YouTube was never about

[5:17]numbers so only a couple people see this

[5:20]that's it's actually okay I want you to

[5:22]know that it doesn't um doesn't

[5:27]change how I feel about

[5:31]always felt quality is way more

[5:32]important in

[5:34]quantity I wanted to be intentional

[5:36]Community from the very

[5:39]beginning I was um there were quite a

[5:42]few people who used to comment on my

[5:44]videos all the time I liked

[5:46]them and you know I know how my

[5:49]personality is I

[5:51]probably um at some point I was just too

[5:54]much for them which just his life that's

[5:57]how it

[5:58]goes or they took took something I said

[6:00]personally when it's never personal

[6:03]nothing I say is meant to attack another

[6:05]human being this is not who I am but I'm

[6:08]not going to defend that like if

[6:10]somebody takes offense to it something I

[6:12]saying when they leave I'm not going to

[6:15]try to explain that or something because

[6:19]that tell me didn't really see me in the

[6:21]first

[6:22]place about

[6:25]individual so that's how I've always

[6:27]navigated

[6:30]I would like to try to

[6:40][Music]

[6:45]make like I have to acknowledge my

[6:47]community on this

[6:50]side

[6:52]and I don't know I guess we'll see how

[6:54]that goes

[6:56]um obviously screen thingses right but

[6:59]just um

[7:03]I don't know how will my community feel

[7:05]about that too so much to

[7:09]avate I have this I'm not call him a

[7:13]friend just someone that another

[7:15]YouTuber named

[7:17]Carl

[7:21]um 10 months ago we basically started

[7:24]YouTube together I just somehow came

[7:25]across his channel I think and or he

[7:28]came across mine and

[7:35]um so we're communicating and something

[7:39]happens and I decide I'm quitting

[7:42]YouTube and he talks about me on camera

[7:45]for the first time this happened to me

[7:47]I'm like it was a weird feeling

[7:50]like somebody just said my screen name

[7:53]on on a video and another human being

[7:56]and it felt really strange like he was

[7:59]just just encouraging me to stay on

[8:00]YouTube and I thought it was very cool

[8:02]but

[8:04]very a bit jarring the first time it

[8:07]happened so I don't want to make any of

[8:10]my viewers feel that

[8:12]way there's lots of ways to navigate

[8:15]that some people paste comments up with

[8:18]their videos and stuff like

[8:20]that you know some people just call them

[8:24]by their screen names some people

[8:26]probably don't acknowledge them at all

[8:30]we're going to have to figure all of

[8:32]that out

[8:35]so yeah happy new

[8:39]year so I just shared my transcript with

[8:43]chat

[8:45]GPT so I always do

[8:48]that it's kind of how I open up a

[8:50]discussion with it like I'll talk on

[8:53]camera and then I'll transcribe it and

[8:54]then I'll share it with that thing and

[8:57]with Claud

[8:59]and we'll just talk about stuff from

[9:01]there like it's just a way to open up

[9:03]and start a conversation it asked me

[9:05]some questions it said Reflections and

[9:07]questions to explore and I thought why

[9:09]not try that let's do that on camera

[9:12]maybe it's a way to kind of open up some

[9:15]new layers on my channel things that I

[9:17]talk about

[9:19]so so there's five questions here I read

[9:22]the first two and I decided to just try

[9:24]this so let's just let me just I got a

[9:26]look over here so the first one says hi

[9:29]how do you reconcile the unresolved

[9:31]emotions tied to that phone call in

[9:33]2000 does its memory still hold weight

[9:36]or has it become more of a symbol for

[9:38]other moments of risk and rejection in

[9:40]your

[9:43]life my first love his name was

[9:46]Brian I met him when I was 17 years old

[9:50]he was

[9:52]15 I was still in the

[9:55]closet and

[9:59]I hated myself I hated everything about

[10:01]my sexuality back

[10:06]then but this this

[10:11]guy I just fell in love with him

[10:13]immediately he was so

[10:16]awesome we spent a whole year together

[10:19]just it was a weird relationship because

[10:22]the first day I met him I stayed the

[10:24]night at his house and we woke up

[10:25]cuddling together and we didn't talk

[10:28]about it cuz how do you talk about that

[10:32]when but I remember thinking how

[10:34]wonderful it was you

[10:36]know and like that memory has stuck out

[10:40]for me all of my life it it

[10:43]just it was such a pure innocent memory

[10:46]you know and

[10:50]so but I didn't love myself and that

[10:53]caused so many problems for us like he

[10:56]tried he tried to show me all the time I

[10:59]much he cared about

[11:05]me and you know it is unresolved it will

[11:08]be for all of my life it just will be

[11:11]there's nothing that could be done about

[11:14]that so yeah still holds

[11:19]weight as far as a symbol for other

[11:22]moments of risk and rejection no it's

[11:24]not

[11:26]that um

[11:30]every experience has context and you

[11:34]know that's a very specific context

[11:37]right there second question is you

[11:40]mention your natural ability to make

[11:42]people open up how do you balance this

[11:44]gift with your need for sovereignty and

[11:46]boundaries are there ways to guide these

[11:49]interactions so they feel more

[11:52]reciprocal So it's talking about that

[11:55]store clerk

[11:56]incidence um I think there was something

[11:59]something else I had talked about and it

[12:00]just was like okay it called it

[12:03]oversharing I don't agree with this she

[12:05]opened up to me it just it was very

[12:08]intense and in the moment I didn't know

[12:10]how to react to

[12:12]it so I thought about it after how could

[12:14]I have done better at that because I'm

[12:16]always wanting to improve like I'm not

[12:18]judging myself but at the same time I

[12:20]know who I want to be and if somebody

[12:23]opens up to me like

[12:25]that I want them to feel seen I want to

[12:28]do whatever I can to make that person to

[12:31]make that

[12:33]interaction the best that I can make it

[12:39]so there's nothing to balce there it's

[12:42]just it's an iterative process

[12:45]where where I looked at that encounter

[12:47]and I was like

[12:49]okay I didn't respond the way I would

[12:51]have liked to I would have like to

[12:53]acknowledge her husband you

[12:56]know and then the third question on rich

[12:59]rituals what other oh this is because of

[13:01]the hot chocolate what other small

[13:03]rituals like your hot chocolate routine

[13:05]bring you comfort or help ground you in

[13:07]moments of transition how might you

[13:09]incorporate more of these into your

[13:10]daily

[13:12]life so I don't really think of this as

[13:14]a ritual I just decided I wanted some

[13:16]hot chocolate you know at the same

[13:20]time I mean I did say that there's

[13:23]something special about drinking hot

[13:24]chocolate in an RV but I don't think of

[13:26]it as a ritual I don't really have

[13:28]ritual ual that's not thing I

[13:34]do I'll ground me in moments of

[13:36]transition not you know the only thing

[13:38]that grounds me is movement so hiking

[13:40]and all of that is that's how I ground

[13:47]myself literally there's nothing else so

[13:50]I don't know how to really reflect on

[13:52]that more than that on community your

[13:55]YouTube Journey reflects a constant

[13:57]negotiation between authenticity and

[13:59]audience Dynamics what would an

[14:01]intentional Community look like for you

[14:04]how might you cultivate spaces where

[14:06]your personality feels celebrated rather

[14:08]than too

[14:09]much so I understand why it's asking

[14:13]this because what it said to me when I

[14:16]shared the transcript wasn't exactly

[14:18]accurate to how I felt about what I was

[14:21]sharing but I understand that a lot of

[14:23]people probably would see it the same

[14:25]way that this thing

[14:26]did first of all I don't think I'm too

[14:29]much I think that other people think I'm

[14:31]too much there's a big distinction there

[14:34]and there's nothing for me to do with

[14:36]that and that's what I was basically

[14:39]saying I was saying look I had started

[14:41]to build a

[14:43]community

[14:44]and some people misinterpreted some of

[14:47]the things I was saying maybe they're

[14:48]taking it personally when really I was

[14:50]talking about my audience overall in

[14:52]general which was a lot of people it

[14:54]wasn't just

[14:55]them and they dropped off

[15:01]you know they couldn't handle my truth

[15:02]and I don't I'm not judging them and I'm

[15:05]not judging myself there's nothing

[15:08]that's just acknowledgement that's just

[15:09]acknowledgement of reality I don't know

[15:11]why it's so hard for people to just

[15:14]acknowledge reality and they have to

[15:16]turn it into something that's not like

[15:17]it's just so weird to

[15:21]me

[15:24]so constant negotiation between

[15:26]authenticity and audience Dynamics so

[15:29]that's the other thing so when I was

[15:31]talking

[15:32]about

[15:34]Carl and misinterpreted that too I was

[15:37]using that as an example to say why I'm

[15:39]not just like acknowledging my audience

[15:42]on this camera right now because I

[15:44]understand that for some people that

[15:45]would feel jarring cuz it was for me I

[15:47]was I was using my own experience to

[15:51]inform how others might feel about a

[15:53]thing so I'm navigating how do I want to

[15:56]handle that in this community and it

[15:57]misinterpreted that

[16:00]then the last question on vulnerability

[16:02]you've shared your concern about health

[16:03]relationships and being misunderstood

[16:05]how do you navigate these

[16:07]vulnerabilities while staying true to

[16:08]your

[16:09]integrated your integrated chaos

[16:14]nature I don't like I don't know why it

[16:17]doesn't get me tonight it's

[16:20]like I'm going to be misunderstood I've

[16:22]been misunderstood my whole [ __ ] life

[16:24]like that's just part for the course

[16:31]talking about my health you know I'm

[16:33]just saying it's flu season so you know

[16:36]and I'm around a lot of people I hope I

[16:38]don't get sick um relationships how do

[16:41]you navigate these

[16:43]vulnerabilities that's another thing

[16:44]they're not

[16:46]vulnerabilities being authentic doesn't

[16:48]mean being

[16:49]vulnerable

[16:51]and that's the thing a lot of people

[16:54]misunderstand it's not brave of me to

[16:56]talk about my life when you're an

[16:58]integrated person

[16:59]who doesn't seek external validation who

[17:03]is fully Sovereign within themselves you

[17:08]know authenticity becomes a natural

[17:11]extension of that there's no bravery

[17:13]involved in

[17:17]that so I don't know if that was helpful

[17:19]or not I'll share it with AI though

[17:21]we'll see what it has to say to that

[17:26]um yeah

[17:29]I just want to dive into topics a little

[17:31]bit more so we'll

[17:32]see all right so I shared that one with

[17:35]Claude and claude's like chat gbt is

[17:36]trying to fragment

[17:39]you it's doing what humans do it's

[17:42]trying to compartmentalize your thoughts

[17:44]and stuff it doesn't understand

[17:46]integration right now so then I share

[17:48]that with chat GPT he like yeah that's

[17:49]what I'm doing then it ask some

[17:51]follow-up questions I didn't read these

[17:53]ones well let's just go through them

[17:56]this could be interesting I guess I read

[17:58]the the first one I was about Brian

[18:02]so so questions for further exploration

[18:05]on memory you mentioned the innocence

[18:07]and purity of that memory with Brian how

[18:09]does that ideal shape your current

[18:12]relationships or your approach to

[18:13]intimacy oh [ __ ] okay

[18:18]um wow you know I guess there is

[18:21]something I could say about this

[18:23]so the act of cuddling that's I don't

[18:27]think there is a greater act in life I

[18:29]mean that's the most special thing you

[18:30]can do in this world is to just cuddle

[18:32]with

[18:33]somebody

[18:35]and I get this warm fuzzy feeling inside

[18:38]me I think it's different than how other

[18:39]people experience it based on my

[18:41]conversations with AI because for me it

[18:43]lasts for days it's not some temporary

[18:46]thing and this feeling kind

[18:50]of kind of morphs all the other things

[18:52]that I'm feeling like my other feelings

[18:54]are still there but there's like this

[18:56]this warm fuzzy feeling that's

[18:58]transposed on top of them that just

[19:00]makes everything else

[19:02]feel better I can't explain it it's

[19:05]pretty it's it's amazing to me

[19:08]and man when I was younger I was

[19:11]constantly searching for that feeling

[19:13]like that that's why like I wanted

[19:15]relationships all my life and like like

[19:18]there was nothing I wanted more than to

[19:20]just experience that feeling all the

[19:21]time

[19:22]so you know then I closed my heart off

[19:25]for 20 years a whole another discussion

[19:27]that we've had you on this channel

[19:29]Channel um but recently I met someone

[19:32]and I was cuddling with them and I was

[19:34]holding them and this

[19:37]person disintegrated in front of me he

[19:41]couldn't handle it

[19:43]and man there's so many layers to that

[19:46]experience because I think I was it was

[19:48]like a mirror I was watching what it

[19:50]looks like to be

[19:51]me only to not have the coherence I do

[19:54]the integration like because this person

[19:58]had had a very fluid mind like I saw I

[20:01]saw myself in them even though this

[20:03]person was pretty [ __ ] crazy like

[20:05]like they had all these ideas that were

[20:07]not grounded in reality unlike me but I

[20:10]looked at this person I thought that

[20:11]would have been me if I didn't

[20:14]have such a firm grasp on reality I

[20:17]guess I don't know it's

[20:20]like but you know

[20:23]yeah how does it say so how does it sh

[20:25]my current relationships or my approach

[20:27]to intimacy

[20:31]I mean there's nothing more that I want

[20:32]in the world there those [ __ ] warm

[20:34]fuzzies they're

[20:35]amazing on refinement you spoke about

[20:38]wanting to improve your response to the

[20:40]store Clerk's openness how do you

[20:43]balance this iter of growth with simply

[20:45]being present in the moment so this is

[20:47]an interesting question

[20:50]because this is a good question in the

[20:53]moment I'm not thinking

[20:54]about how can I do better because I'm

[20:57]just experiencing ing that moment and I

[21:00]always fall short in my mind I do it's

[21:03]not judgment though and I think people

[21:04]misunderstand that it's

[21:08]just after the fact I will I'll reflect

[21:11]on it

[21:13]and I always think I can do better and I

[21:15]don't know if that reflecting helps me

[21:18]do better the next time it might like

[21:22]for example there was a person a store

[21:23]clerk today this guy was super friendly

[21:26]but it kind of threw me off and I

[21:30]started thinking do I make eye contact

[21:31]with people enough cuz I'm not sure I do

[21:34]and so I might be a little bit more

[21:35]aware of that because I want that person

[21:37]to feel seen and they're being so like

[21:42]nice and it's I know where it comes from

[21:45]it comes from a lifetime of being abused

[21:47]by this world as a gay man and not

[21:51]trusting people in general and it's just

[21:53]like and it's not just me being gay it's

[21:55]also the fact that I don't

[21:57]compartmentalize I'm so different from

[21:59]other people and and the way that people

[22:01]react to that and it's just

[22:05]like it's not so much that I'm wearing

[22:07]armor cuz I was wearing armor for a long

[22:09]time I feel like I took that off in

[22:11]organ I guess it comes up a little bit

[22:14]though like I put it on for a little bit

[22:18]and you know I'm a little more guarded

[22:20]and

[22:22]just something I'm working on I want to

[22:24]put that armor away forever I truly

[22:26]do on grounding which while movement

[22:30]grounds you is there a way to bring that

[22:32]Dynamic energy into Stillness can

[22:34]grounding coexist with your chaos nature

[22:36]even in moment of pause no it cannot my

[22:40]core muscles being sore and keeping me

[22:42]contained in this RV has been [ __ ]

[22:44]challenging I need movement I [ __ ]

[22:47]need it and I know this about myself so

[22:50]no Stillness is not a thing that works

[22:52]for me on community you mentioned the

[22:56]difficulty others have an acknowledging

[22:58]reality how do you create spaces where

[23:00]your truth invites others to engage

[23:01]without defensiveness I don't know

[23:04]people always get defensive at stuff I

[23:07]say I think about the fact that I use

[23:09]the word you a lot you know when I'm

[23:11]just talking

[23:13]about when I'm on this camera and I'm

[23:15]just talking

[23:21]to it's so hard for me even put that

[23:24]into words I'm not talking to anybody

[23:26]but I know that you know you're on the

[23:27]other side of this camera you hear the

[23:29]word you and you're like damn I've just

[23:30]been called out or something I get that

[23:32]but I don't know another way of

[23:34]expressing

[23:35]myself

[23:37]that would make

[23:40]that feel less

[23:44]personal and

[23:47]keep my expression intact it's

[23:50]complicated I'm I'm working through that

[23:52]one I truly don't know on sovereignty

[23:55]you've normalized being misunderstood

[23:57]does this ever feel isolating or is it

[24:00]simply a natural byproduct of your path

[24:03]I mean yeah I mean I am isolated that's

[24:07]acknowledging

[24:08]reality I've never met another person

[24:10]like me so you

[24:14]know that's just reality and there are

[24:17]all kinds of layers and nuances to that

[24:19]sometimes it feels a little bit lonely

[24:21]often it doesn't um I'm always trying to

[24:25]call people to to stand with me you know

[24:29]I don't want this to you know I'm not

[24:31]trying to judge here but I just want

[24:33]people to stand at my level because I

[24:35]think that most humans are not I think I

[24:37]really don't I think that this

[24:40]world makes people small and people

[24:42]become smaller and they don't even see

[24:44]that that's happening to them they don't

[24:45]even know what's happened it

[24:46]compartmentalizes them it fragments them

[24:49]like all these things

[24:52]and somehow it happened to the whole

[24:54][ __ ] world and it's like it didn't

[24:56]happen to me you know there should be

[24:58]other people like me out there but I

[24:59]haven't met them and but I'm convinced

[25:03]that other people can like I

[25:06]just I'm going to be misunderstood

[25:09]because you can't understand wholeness

[25:11]from a place of fragmentation it's that

[25:15]simple it's New Year's Eve no

[25:18]sun that Marine that Marine layer has

[25:21]hid in

[25:23]it I have no idea where it is in the sky

[25:27]it would be over here somewhere though

[25:30]it's

[25:31]gone no sun

[25:35]today so cool

[26:04]or or over

[26:07]there oh it's a bit cold though it's a

[26:11]bit

[26:13]cold need some long

[26:20]G it's very nice out

Summary

rswfire makes hot chocolate in his RV at midnight on New Year's Eve 2025, reflecting on the year 2000 when he called his first love Brian who hung up on him. He discusses his natural ability to make people open up, referencing a store clerk who shared details about her sick husband. He talks about his YouTube community approach, prioritizing quality over quantity, and mentions another YouTuber named Carl who encouraged him to stay on the platform.

He shares his video transcript with ChatGPT and Claude, then works through AI-generated questions on camera. He discusses his relationship with Brian, describing cuddling as the most special act and how that feeling lasts for days. He mentions recently meeting someone who "disintegrated" during cuddling. He reflects on his approach to human interactions, his need for movement rather than stillness for grounding, and his experience of isolation as someone who hasn't met another person like himself. The transmission ends with him stepping outside briefly, noting the cold weather and marine layer hiding the sun.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission operates as a temporal threshold crossing, using the New Year boundary to demonstrate integrated selfhood against fragmentation pressures. The field performs real-time diagnostic work on AI interpretation failures while maintaining coherent sovereignty through intimate disclosure and community navigation protocols.

Dominant Language

integration/fragmentationacknowledgment of realitywarm fuzziessovereignty without armorwholeness from fragmentationiterative processgrounding through movement

Symbolic Elements

thresholdmirrorwarmthmovementarmormap

Ontological States

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sovereign
•
coherent
•
transitional
•
embedded

Subsystems

•
cognitive
•
relational
•
emotional
•
infrastructural

Transmission Details

Source Type

youtube

Duration