[0:01]sorry for the lighting but this is real
[0:05]life sometimes real life looks like 6 o'
[0:09]in the morning outside sitting on your
[0:12]campsite listening to your music letting
[0:15]your cat chill out
[0:17]here thinking about your
[0:20]day I wanted to start out there because
[0:23]it tells a
[0:25]story story about a man who broke free
[0:28]of containment 9 months ago
[0:31]but even in the act of breaking from
[0:33]containment he still found himself
[0:34]contained in this
[0:37]RV for many months he didn't feel
[0:40]comfortable being outside on his
[0:42]campsite just sitting there listening to
[0:45]his
[0:47]music too busy woring what other people
[0:50]might think about
[0:56]him that man doesn't exist anymore
[1:01]it's early waiting for the sun to come
[1:03]up so I can go take a
[1:06]shower um every morning I wake up and I
[1:10]ask
[1:11]myself containment or sovereignty I
[1:14]don't actually ask myself this why am I
[1:16]trying to sound profound but
[1:19]honestly that's probably the vibe that's
[1:21]the energy that I bring to every day
[1:24]today we choose
[1:25]sovereignty like the day before and the
[1:27]day before that
[1:31]want to choose it with
[1:33]me sometimes sovereignty looks
[1:38]like mundane stuff right so I got a
[1:42]bunch of dishes to do which if you live
[1:44]in a house you probably take that for
[1:46]granted it's a little different in an RV
[1:48]I actually find it very challenging
[1:51]still got to do my dishes and just do
[1:54]some light cleaning in here because
[1:56]today is a travel day today I moved to
[1:59]cap BL
[2:01]for the holidays I'll be there until
[2:03]till January
[2:05]1st and after that I'll be heading a
[2:08]little bit more North North further than
[2:11]I've been so far today I have an
[2:14]interview very hopeful and
[2:19]um optimistic that I will get this
[2:22]position it's a volunteer position where
[2:24]I'll be a volunteer host and I'll just
[2:28]be cleaning cabins
[2:31]um in exchange for a free campsite for a
[2:36]month so I'm very excited about that
[2:40]because it's a way for me to give back
[2:43]to these parks that I love so
[2:46]much um to lower my my cost of living a
[2:51]little
[2:54]bit to network with the community that's
[2:57]here
[3:01]so I'm excited about it even if it means
[3:05]cleaning
[3:07]cabins so I'll be doing that today I
[3:09]don't know exactly when I'm waiting on
[3:11]the email and then I'll um schedule a
[3:14]time to have that interview and I think
[3:16]everything will be good I've been
[3:17]emailing this person for a
[3:22]while I'm doing pretty well I I need
[3:25]work that's really
[3:28]important um my ex boss is is still
[3:31]paying me um what he owes me he's close
[3:33]to having paid me off at this point I
[3:36]have enough money that I was able to
[3:37]secure my campsite for the rest of the
[3:41]year um pay my car insurance which
[3:44]that's you know integral to my lifestyle
[3:47]it actually lapsed yesterday and I
[3:50]wasn't happy about that but I did get it
[3:53]paid
[3:56]um so yeah I'm doing pretty good
[4:02]when I get to the new campsite when I
[4:03]get to Kate Blanco I'm going to be
[4:05]putting a lot of energy into trying to
[4:07]find freelance
[4:08]work I have been avoiding
[4:11]it
[4:14]because I have been programming
[4:16]computers in sixth grade all of my life
[4:19]my last job that I had for 10 years
[4:21]burnt me out
[4:24]completely the demands that were put on
[4:26]me were not
[4:28]fair what I put those demands on myself
[4:31]if I'm
[4:33]honest I do everything with
[4:37]intensity and I need to find a better
[4:39]balance because I know that I couldn't
[4:42]sustain that again especially when I'm
[4:43]putting so much intensity into this
[4:45]lifestyle and
[4:47]hiking
[4:49]and I just need a better balance and I
[4:52]need to find the right clients but I
[4:53]don't really know what's out there I
[4:55]don't know what kind of clients there
[4:56]are what kind of projects there
[4:58]are the only way to find out is to put
[5:01]myself out there and find out I
[5:03]absolutely hate selling myself to
[5:05]strangers I hate
[5:08]that navigating relationships with them
[5:11]or you're constantly trying to get paid
[5:13]for the work you've done that's always a
[5:15]struggle been to struggle my whole life
[5:17]cuz I've been a freelancer my entire
[5:19]life and I just wanted a different
[5:21]lifestyle a different way of
[5:23]being didn't want to return to this kind
[5:25]of
[5:26]work I'm hopeful in time
[5:30]maybe I could become like a seasonal
[5:31]park ranger somewhere or do maintenance
[5:33]at the parks or just something like
[5:36]that um I might need some more time and
[5:39]I've run out of money so going to do
[5:42]what I need to
[5:43]do clean
[5:45]shaving it looks pretty
[5:49]good so I'm growing my hair outed I'm
[5:51]growing my hair out it's watching the
[5:53]other day I was watching Valyrian and
[5:55]the City of a thousand planets and I
[5:57]like that guy's haircut I'll pick paste
[5:59]a picture of it up here let you see it I
[6:02]don't know if it'll look good on me but
[6:04]I think there might be apps out there I
[6:06]was thinking about it where you can
[6:08]upload a picture of yourself and then
[6:09]just give yourself different hairstyles
[6:11]see how they look I'm going to try that
[6:13]but I want to grow it out make it go
[6:14]like this AI tells me that to do that
[6:17]first your hair comes straight down
[6:19]and'll get in your eyes and then like
[6:20]there's a stage that's kind of awkward
[6:22]and then um and then it will start doing
[6:26]the wavy thing so I don't know we'll see
[6:29]you know take like 6 months so maybe by
[6:32]summer um so I want to ask the women out
[6:36]there I'm a gay man is getting older
[6:39]starting to see wrinkles around his eyes
[6:42]and stuff what do you recommend I do cuz
[6:44]these can't these are not acceptable to
[6:46]me what do I do about it see look at
[6:48]that I can't I can't deal with that so
[6:52]what do I do how do I fix that problem
[6:56]without makeup
[6:57]right um
[7:01]yeah it's okay to be a little bit Shadow
[7:03]about your
[7:04]appearance just put it into perspective
[7:07]though you can't you can't fight aging I
[7:09]mean you can try I guess but it's going
[7:11]to win in the end I guess fight against
[7:14]it anyways so
[7:16]right
[7:18]so yeah it's time to get to the shower
[7:21]I'm still waiting for the oh I think
[7:22]it's coming
[7:25]up it's going to be a busy
[7:27]day shall we head down to the
[7:31]shower this one's not so far like K
[7:34]Blanco get my exercise in from cap
[7:37]Blanco won't be there today
[7:39]though oh I'm drinking Mountain View
[7:42]today not all the time though I want to
[7:44]be clear I actually making fire water
[7:45]now I'm making water with electrolyte
[7:47]salts and I'm putting chili powder in it
[7:49]it's amazing by the way it's
[7:52]awesome but I still need a few
[7:54]ingredients to make it perfect
[8:02]very short
[8:04]walk I'm feeling pretty good
[8:08]today my corn muscles are definitely
[8:11]getting
[8:12]better there's quite a few people here I
[8:14]don't know how they show up I don't even
[8:17]notice it's
[8:20]crazy so yeah so this isn't my favorite
[8:24]shower I like the one next to it but
[8:25]it's dirty as hell because some people
[8:27]just don't know how to be respectful pH
[8:29]shared spaces I swear I deal with this
[8:31]almost every day like you'd be amazed
[8:37]how disgusting people are all right let
[8:41]me show you what my hyene routine looks
[8:43]like here you can tell me if I can
[8:45]improve any of it I wash my hair
[8:49]twice wash my face with
[8:53]this put conditioner in I keep it in
[8:56]then clean myself
[8:59]and I rinse it all off including the
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[9:04]conditioner put that deodorant on first
[9:06]let that one like Sit Them INE then put
[9:08]this one on cuz it smells good use that
[9:12]spray both of these obsessions male and
[9:14]female on
[9:15]me
[9:17]face and
[9:19]eyes I noticed the other day I feel like
[9:22]I got these little bumps in my eye I'm
[9:24]wondering if that stuff is not good for
[9:26]me I got other stuff in the RV
[9:30]been spraying this on too after I um
[9:33]this some kind of conditioner St I don't
[9:35]think it's helping cuz my hair feels
[9:37]kind of
[9:38]dry and if I'm going to grow my hair out
[9:40]I need it to look nice I'll obviously
[9:43]ask AI but you know what women know this
[9:46] so help me
[9:47]out so not everyone is like me of course
[9:50]but for those who are I want you I want
[9:52]to help you feel
[9:55]seen this took time all these different
[9:58]products I use they didn't come
[9:59]naturally to
[10:02]me literally every single thing was a
[10:05]process building on something that I had
[10:07]already learned to do to integrate into
[10:10]my
[10:11]life creating a
[10:13]routine that involves a dozen different
[10:17]things that doesn't just happen you can
[10:20]make a list and try to make yourself do
[10:21]it every day but it's just not it's not
[10:24]how I work so I integrated one thing at
[10:26]a time there's other things I want to do
[10:28]I want to get some lotion and put that
[10:30]on me every day and I haven't done that
[10:32]yet but that's that's next you know
[10:34]because I'm always thinking
[10:36]ahead I'm always thinking
[10:39]about what can I do
[10:42]next why you to feel seen just
[10:45]because it's challenging doesn't mean
[10:48]you can't get there I don't know if this
[10:50]stuff helps
[10:51]I'm going on decided about it we going
[10:55]to do it anyways
[10:59]trying to take care of myself these days
[11:01]there was a time in my life I don't
[11:03]think I tried very
[11:06]hard I want you to think about what I
[11:08]share with you on this channel because I
[11:09]started this
[11:12]video sharing my growth with you where I
[11:15]had where I had grown as a human being
[11:17]I've shared my
[11:19]challenges
[11:21]um I don't fragment any of it all of it
[11:24]is part of my wholeness I I hold all of
[11:27]it
[11:29]some people want to tell you that's
[11:31]wrong they want to tell you to be kind
[11:32]to yourself things like
[11:34]this I don't agree with that
[11:38]mentality embrace all of it find joy in
[11:41]all of it because I I I do you can
[11:44]too you understand what they're saying
[11:46]when they tell you to be kind to
[11:47]yourself they're telling you to soften
[11:50]your truth to fragment
[11:53]yourself to take something that you see
[11:56]something that's real and to make it
[11:58]smaller don't ever do that that's how
[12:01]people end up the way they
[12:03]are ladies get yourself a pocket knife
[12:06]this thing goes with me
[12:10]everywhere as a gay man I don't tress
[12:12]straight men and I know you don't either
[12:14]so get yourself a pocket knife don't
[12:15]rely on keys or whatever carry it with
[12:18]you everywhere be prepared to use it
[12:20]think about what you would do when when
[12:22]that time came I do all the
[12:25]time my camera turned itself off on
[12:27]while I was just looking at myself
[12:31]a little more clean shaving than I
[12:33]expected to
[12:35]be yeah oh I need my
[12:38]keys we're going to go for a short
[12:42]walk it's early it's 800 in the
[12:45]morning I don't want to push myself too
[12:48]hard because I do have a long day it's a
[12:50]travel day and all that my course seems
[12:53]okay though and I don't want
[12:56]to um
[13:00]be too still I feel like movement's
[13:04]important
[13:05]also so anyways I was just
[13:09]thinking society's collapsing which
[13:12]means men are going to become more
[13:14]violent you need to be ready for
[13:17]that see that's the thing about me I
[13:19]don't compartmentalize anything I remain
[13:23]aware of
[13:24]everything don't fracture
[13:27]myself can still be joyful can still
[13:30]care about my skin my
[13:33]appearance and acknowledge
[13:37]that we have violence in our
[13:41]futures
[13:43]so yeah let's go see what maybe I can
[13:46]get to the beach today I don't
[13:48]know so let me share the hardest truth
[13:51]I'm holding right
[13:53]now I don't want to abandon my cat
[13:56]Bailey
[14:00]thought about it for
[14:02]months I would do it responsibly I would
[14:05]take him somewhere there's a place in
[14:06]Gold Beach that I think would take him
[14:08]need to go see them and make
[14:12]sure and it is abandonment even if you
[14:15]do it responsibly I won't soften the
[14:17]truth I raise this cat from
[14:20]birth I love
[14:24]him living with him in this RV is an
[14:27]absolute challenge every day
[14:32]and I don't know how to get him back to
[14:33]my mom that's thousands of miles away I
[14:36]looked
[14:38]into sending him on an airplane it
[14:41]didn't get very far with that I think
[14:42]it's probably cost a lot to
[14:45]you and my mom doesn't really want him
[14:50]so I don't want to abandon my C but I
[14:53]can't live with him
[15:01]that's the truth I'm living with right
[15:04]now I'm going to go see the beach and
[15:06]made it down here I don't know I even
[15:08]question of course I
[15:13]did some bug Mountain
[15:17]there I love that mount so
[15:22]much it just sits there right on the
[15:24]edge of the
[15:26]ocean all by itself it's sovere
[15:31]Mountain you drive down that 101 and you
[15:33]see that thing and it's it's a
[15:37]presence absolutely love that
[15:48]moment it's going to be a good day I
[15:51]feel a little bit down now I guess
[15:52]talking about my cat but I mean it's a
[15:55]reality I have to do something about it
[15:58]cuz it's not working
[15:59]working I've tried everything that cat
[16:02]is so hard to to manage to deal with he
[16:05]has constant friction he's the last
[16:07]remaining thing for my old life I feel
[16:10]held back by
[16:11]him none of it's his fault he's just a
[16:18]cat he doesn't have enough space you
[16:21]know I could start rationalizing at this
[16:24]way he deserves a house I
[16:27]guess but you you know it's not
[16:30]nothing's that simple that's not real
[16:33]life when you do that because that can
[16:35]be true and also what can be true is
[16:37]that that cat is exactly where he wants
[16:39]to
[16:41]be you have to hold all of
[16:45]it and sit with it
[16:51]until until you've integrated all of it
[16:54]and
[16:55]then your actions will follow that
[17:01]not doing anything today it's travel day
[17:04]I've got a lot to
[17:06]do I might go to Gold Beach tomorrow I
[17:08]don't know
[17:12]yet love them a lot though
[18:36]for
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[22:31]I love this