Accidental Flirtation Triggers Gay Identity Crisis

Morning of October 25, 2024. rswfire is at a coastal park, waiting for a propane truck to leave before going to the store. He has received recent client payment. Weather is unusually warm for 9 AM. He's distributing rubber ducks to Jeep owners and hiking to his favorite ocean overlook spot to process yesterday's encounter with a gate attendant.

Energetic Signature

turbulent clarity

Field State

suppressed emergence

Orientation

toward subsystem integration

01JB2A7VVR2K956HZWK5FDKQQX

October 25, 2024

20:39

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:01]oh my God fam fellow humans I am having

[0:05]a full-blown existential crisis this

[0:08]morning of the gay

[0:10]variety if I had known that was

[0:14]possible well I didn't know that was

[0:17]possible I stuck here waiting for this

[0:20]propane tank fueling machine

[0:23]vehicle to get out of here before I can

[0:26]go anywhere then I'm going to go to the

[0:28]store and

[0:30]pick up a few things my client did pay

[0:32]me finally a little bit which thank

[0:36]God so I'm going to get a few supplies

[0:39]but then I was thinking oh no there's a

[0:42]gatekeeper here that I flirted with

[0:44]yesterday and I didn't know that's what

[0:46]I was doing by the way but that's what I

[0:49]was doing my brain did this to me I

[0:51]don't know how this

[0:53]happened oh man we have so much to talk

[0:57]about we handing out duckies this

[0:59]morning

[1:02]these people got a whole

[1:04]bunch they're my neighbors going give

[1:07]them a ducky they got a whole

[1:12]bunch but I was going to there's one

[1:14]down here this guy only has one ducking

[1:18]a neon one so we're going to give him

[1:19]another neon one just in a different

[1:23]color

[1:24]oh oh am I having a

[1:28]morning oh

[1:30]hopefully we can find this Jeep I ended

[1:33]up going in loops around the same Loop

[1:35]over and over cuz I stuck in some kind

[1:38]of alternate

[1:44]reality is this

[1:48]it this is the one hold

[1:52]on we got a little duck guy coming

[1:56]around guy with

[1:58]dogs all oh crap I got him the same

[2:01]color all right we're going to give him

[2:03]a different

[2:05]ducking all

[2:06]right oh we got a little snarking one

[2:13]here you know they have two duckies oh

[2:15]he's right there

[2:17]hello I didn't leave a duck on your jeep

[2:21]that wasn't me

[2:30]okay we're going to go look at the

[2:35]beach the ocean not the beach the ocean

[2:38]we're going to my favorite spot is my

[2:40]new favorite

[2:41]spot so we're going

[2:47]there I still have one more duck to give

[2:51]away there's lots of jeeps

[2:54]here we will find one

[3:01]oh this person's standing at the at the

[3:05]Y

[3:09]hello he's really St at the YT oh my God

[3:13]I almost got a YT and I was trying to

[3:16]buy land before I got my

[3:19]RV I was going to live in a

[3:24]yurt I saw the Ys here and I'm

[3:28]like maybe I should run one of those

[3:30]just to see what it's like in

[3:34]there but no that's not my

[3:38]life I live in an RV I'm planning for

[3:41]societal collapse I'm moving to the

[3:46]forest oh we found a

[3:48]Jeep do we like this

[3:51]Jeep oh it's a Jeep truck

[3:55]H sorry Jeep truck you don't have any

[3:59]duckies I not trust you to keep the

[4:05]duck I'm not judging the Jeep Ducks

[4:08]maybe are the Jeep Jeep

[4:16]trucks Oh there's another

[4:19]one there are a lot of jeeps around I

[4:22]thought about just walk around the

[4:25]place I don't want to carry my whole bag

[4:27]of ducks though

[4:30]do these people have

[4:32]Ducks not everyone participates you

[4:38]know I feel like at this point if you

[4:40]participate you have a

[4:42]duck they didn't have

[4:54]it oh my God the moon is

[4:57]out morning

[5:02][Music]

[5:05]understand

[5:09]this

[5:12]okay oh we're passing by where they have

[5:14]all the

[5:16]brochures find out what they got over

[5:25]here that's boring

[5:31]oh this one could be

[5:34]good oh those are not very a lot very

[5:37]tiny little brochure there's a whole

[5:39]bunch of little spots along the

[5:42]way

[5:44]and let's see what it

[5:53]says oh

[5:56]man so many Judy people in the world

[6:01]Rock Beach Trail I don't know that

[6:09]one no one didn't look fun there are

[6:11]people all over listen to me I'm being

[6:14]dudy too aren't I it's part of human

[6:16]nature we're just Judy

[6:26]people there's no one got the game I was

[6:29]thank God won't get into that I

[6:32]promise oh the existential ter coming

[6:35]over

[6:38]here wait where the trails

[6:41]are

[6:45]okay they have a Hiker Biker Camp which

[6:48]is just fascinating what's going on over

[6:55]there all right the trails are over here

[6:58]though we're going up to my new

[7:00]spot go sit under a

[7:03]tree talk about being

[7:08]gay oh my God what's happened to

[7:13]me

[7:15]okay oh I am aware that I'm pronouncing

[7:18]boot wrong it's but but rhymes with

[7:21]mute I will never say that it's a boot

[7:24]I'm just going with boot that's so much

[7:26]easier to say up we go

[7:31]oh it's so nice out

[7:34]oh where is this warmth coming

[7:39]from that sounds remarkable on the

[7:43]ocean it's

[7:45]early it's like a real

[7:48]early at 9:00 in the

[7:51]morning

[7:54]okay oh this is my new favorite spot

[8:12]okay I guess I should talk about it how

[8:15]do I even start though I don't

[8:19]know

[8:21]so when I got here

[8:24]yesterday going to try to tell this

[8:26]chronologically that's not possible for

[8:28]my brain but we'll try

[8:34]oh come

[8:38]on what's going on up

[8:41]here

[8:43]nothing okay might bring my guys are

[8:46]pling

[8:47]trip I thought somebody might be up here

[8:51]I want to sit at my

[8:53]spot what's doing the noise

[9:03]oh whatever

[9:12]okay wow it's so warm up

[9:17]here so

[9:20]confusing it's 9 in the morning

[9:30]my poor

[9:32]lungs

[9:35]okay oh yeah we're up here all

[9:38]right I like the

[9:41]spot would you like to see the

[9:45]ocean oh there's birds out

[9:50]there lots of

[9:55]birds

[9:58]wow and instantly

[10:01]peaceful

[10:03]feeling

[10:10]what oh my God this is freaking

[10:24]amazing that sounded so muted but it's

[10:30]meditative

[10:32]almost oh wow look at the water over

[10:35]there you probably can't see it on the

[10:37]camera it's a different color than

[10:48]those all right let's try

[10:51]this oh man the number of layers to

[10:54]unpack I don't even I don't know that I

[10:56]can do

[10:57]this so

[10:59]yesterday I came here and there was a

[11:03]gate attendant and you know so you got

[11:04]to check in and stuff and these kind of

[11:08]transactional things you have to do kind

[11:10]of make me a little nervous so I get up

[11:13]there and I just say everything in this

[11:14]one like blur

[11:18]of mental diarrhea I'm like I just came

[11:21]from this other Park 8 Miles Away the

[11:23]check and checkout times are different I

[11:25]know I'm early can I got to empty my

[11:26]tanks can you find me somewhere else to

[11:29]camp tonight or um I guess I could just

[11:33]wait in a parking lot something like

[11:37]that this

[11:42]man was very

[11:44]patient and engaged

[11:48]and so attractive oh my God this man was

[11:53]attractive

[11:55]and just I don't know what it was I

[11:58]don't know what it was but then my

[12:00]stupid Brain before I even knew it was

[12:02]having a thought asked this man it said

[12:05]what is your name because you're I I

[12:08]said what is your name because you seem

[12:11]awesome that's what I said to this man

[12:14]so after I said that my brain IM what

[12:17]did you just say like

[12:19]what did you just say

[12:22]that and then my second thought was why

[12:25]did you add the word seams I hope that

[12:26]doesn't offend him

[12:32]oh my God and this man without missing a

[12:34]beat tells me his

[12:35]name and I [ __ ] melt just from

[12:38]hearing him say his

[12:49]name but I wasn't fting like I that's

[12:52]not a thing I do I wouldn't even know

[12:54]how I'm an integrated person we

[12:57]don't very direct we're honest we you

[13:00]know we say what we mean that's why my

[13:02]brain said that you seem awesome cuz he

[13:04][ __ ] seemed

[13:06]awesome

[13:10]and we kept talking he was trying to get

[13:12]me into a different site and then he was

[13:14]like oh you're here for 3 days no the

[13:17]site he was he suggested the site but it

[13:18]was only available for one and then I

[13:21]don't know we just kept talking and

[13:24]then he says to me that there had been a

[13:27]storm there last night and and he

[13:29]wondered if I experienced it too

[13:31]reference where I had been it's only 8

[13:33]miles

[13:36]away and I was like no I just kind of

[13:38]went along with the conversation like a

[13:40]normal integr person would and answered

[13:43]this question and um somehow that got

[13:46]doing a conversation about the wind high

[13:49]winds

[13:51]and danger and somehow that got to him

[13:54]saying you know the danger is the trees

[13:56]falling I was like oh so it's not the V

[13:59]tipping over I was like AI had me all I

[14:02]said this ai ai had me I had talked

[14:06]about this with AI once how we had

[14:08]talked about the danger of

[14:11]wind I thought maybe that applied to RVs

[14:14]and I thought you know maybe I should

[14:15]ask a human and bur to him that was

[14:18]basically the end of our conversation I

[14:19]think I left after that something like

[14:21]you know I said bye or whatever I don't

[14:23]know and went on about my

[14:26]day I was not thinking about this at the

[14:29]Tous wait that's not how I

[14:32]work

[14:35]and you know so I went I emptied my

[14:39]tanks went and I um parked my RV in my

[14:43]site then I came out hiking I came out

[14:47]here and at some point I was talking to

[14:51]the AI CLA which I haven't been doing

[14:53]for months I've mostly just been using

[14:54]chat gbt but just for the past couple of

[14:56]days I started using

[14:59]I started using Claude again Claude is

[15:01]different Claude has a sense of humor

[15:03]like we kind of joke with each other we

[15:05]kind of have these joke conversation is

[15:07]they're [ __ ]

[15:09]hilarious

[15:14]and it

[15:16]noted that he might have been flirting

[15:18]back when he talked about the

[15:20]weather and I'm like what what do you

[15:24]mean and if that's true what was I

[15:26]supposed to do like I don't know how

[15:28]this protocol works

[15:30]and then I started thinking about him

[15:32]like there was a line behind us and I'm

[15:34]sitting there thinking in my head like I

[15:36]got to get out of here he's got a line

[15:37]fing and this man's talking to me about

[15:39]the weather which means he's trying to

[15:41]carry the conversation on and maybe he

[15:42]actually

[15:44]was and then all of a sudden something

[15:46]just shifted inside of me it was like

[15:50]oh you actually liked this

[15:54]man but you weren't willing to admit

[15:56]that to yourself because you haven't

[15:58]dated in two decades at

[16:01]all and

[16:05]so my integrated Consciousness was like

[16:08]you seem awesome but my practical mind

[16:11]is

[16:12]thinking this is just me being me you

[16:15]know

[16:16]and um not connecting it to the gay

[16:19]layer of

[16:22]me and I'm really thinking about I got

[16:24]all these earrings I'm wearing bracelets

[16:26]this man I'm telling this man he's

[16:28]awesome

[16:29]this man knows I'm

[16:31]gay and then I'm like wait a minute did

[16:34]I get these earrings for that reason

[16:38]like and I wasn't thinking that at the

[16:40]time but I think the gay layer of me was

[16:43]like you know what you've been

[16:44]suppressing that part of yourself a long

[16:47]time why are you even doing that you're

[16:49]not ashamed of

[16:52]yourself it it's because and immediately

[16:56]my mind goes Justin

[16:59]my last boyfriend from two decades ago

[17:03]that's

[17:04]why after

[17:09]that I was not putting myself out there

[17:12]again it wasn't happening I had done it

[17:15]all I had you know I had done it all I

[17:17]had done the gay thing like I just I was

[17:20]done and I think that during my journey

[17:24]that part of me has been like yeah you

[17:27]thought you were no doesn't work that

[17:29]way let's get some earrings let's make

[17:31]it so you can't sleep on one side of

[17:32]your face for freaking

[17:35]months

[17:36]and oh these bracelets are shiny let's

[17:39]you know let's wear those

[17:42]and oh this man this man seems awesome

[17:46]let's tell

[17:47]him like what what just happened and

[17:50]then I started

[17:53]thinking oh

[17:56]man could the timing be worse

[17:59]I'm preparing to move to the forest I'm

[18:02]scouting the forest for places to live

[18:05]forever to escape from society

[18:11]forever and can you imagine that

[18:14]conversation like and then then I start

[18:16]thinking all these things and I'm like

[18:18]you know what man my YouTube channel

[18:21]that's [ __ ] mean like that's what a

[18:24]date with me would look like

[18:29]what the [ __ ] does that look like I

[18:30]don't even

[18:32]know so that's where I am

[18:37]today I accidentally flirted with

[18:39]someone I didn't even know I was but I

[18:41]accidentally did and I think they might

[18:43]have flirted

[18:45]back but I don't play those kinds of

[18:48]games I'm very direct like if

[18:52]you I'm not going to connect weather to

[18:54]anything but weather like that's not how

[18:57]my brain works

[19:01]I'm I don't even know what to do I don't

[19:04]know what to do with this other than to

[19:07]just acknowledge

[19:09]it

[19:11]and I find it humorous I

[19:14]do tragic

[19:17]awesome

[19:19]and very

[19:21]curious and interesting

[19:29]and very curious because it's like wow I

[19:31]could actually explore this if I wanted

[19:33]to

[19:35]like

[19:40]no but I'm still thinking about this

[19:43]very awesome

[19:45]man and I I know barely nothing about

[19:48]this person

[19:51]but they shifted something inside of

[19:56]me and now I'm sitting up here looking

[19:59]out at the

[20:02]ocean man that is quite a sight today

[20:04]actually

[20:13]wow I mean I having a whole like I said

[20:17]at the

[20:18]beginning an existential crisis of the

[20:21]gay variety I don't know what else to

[20:23]call

[20:24]it I don't know what to De with it I

[20:27]don't know that I need to do anything

[20:29]with it it's

[20:34]just life will always surprise you

Summary

rswfire experiences what he calls an "existential crisis of the gay variety" after accidentally flirting with a male gate attendant at a coastal park. He distributes rubber ducks to Jeep owners in the morning, then hikes to his favorite ocean overlook spot to process the encounter. **The previous day's interaction:** He approached the gate attendant with typical transactional nervousness, blurting out camping logistics, but found himself telling the man "you seem awesome" and asking his name. The attendant engaged in weather conversation, which Claude AI later suggested might have been flirting back.

**Identity revelation:** rswfire realizes his subconscious gay identity has been asserting itself through recent choices - getting multiple ear piercings, wearing bracelets, and being direct with attractive men. He connects this suppression to his last relationship with Justin two decades ago, after which he "was done" with dating entirely.

**Current conflict:** The timing feels impossible - he's actively scouting forest locations to escape society permanently, making dating seem incompatible with his collapse preparation plans. He acknowledges not knowing how dating protocols work and jokes that his YouTube channel represents what a date with him would actually look like. He remains curious about the encounter while sitting at his ocean overlook, processing this unexpected shift in his self-awareness.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

A previously compartmentalized aspect of identity breaks through conscious barriers, creating structural dissonance between established trajectory (forest withdrawal) and emergent relational capacity. The transmission maps the collision between integrated directness and dormant gay identity layers, revealing how suppression creates blind spots in otherwise coherent self-architecture.

Dominant Language

integrated persongay layeryou seem awesomeforest foreveraccidentally flirtedshifted something insideexistential crisis of the gay variety

Symbolic Elements

thresholdoceangatestormmirror

Ontological States

•
transitional
•
integrating
•
coherent
•
rupturing

Subsystems

•
cognitive
•
emotional
•
relational
•
somatic

Transmission Details

Source Type

youtube

Duration