Early Morning Reflection on Family Estrangement

Early morning (4 AM) recording from wooded campground. rswfire is outside the RV with poor lighting, having slept 6 hours. Bailey the cat is present. Planning grocery shopping and daily activities.

Energetic Signature

reflective clarity

Field State

pattern integration

Orientation

toward relational sovereignty

01J46YBKGGNV4XCD6ZDXW01K3V

August 1, 2024

8:04

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:01]good morning fellow humans it's 4 in the

[0:04]morning here I have to get some better

[0:06]lights out

[0:08]here I just woke up um had a very good

[0:12]bed I don't have a very good

[0:14]relationship to sleep these days do

[0:17]I you get in the bed and you just sink

[0:20]into the thing it's not

[0:22]comfortable but I got some sleep I feel

[0:26]feel good about that I probably slept

[0:31]went to bed pretty early I think I was

[0:33]around 10:00 so I slept about 6

[0:36]hours just out here

[0:43]vaping I am going to find a grocery

[0:47]store this morning um you know in a

[0:49]couple of

[0:51]hours um I'm going to use that Charco

[0:54]girl over there while I'm here I've

[0:56]never used mine I don't know how to use

[0:59]one seems like a good place to learn so

[1:03]that will be fun today I'm going to just

[1:05]do my laundry and um hang out here with

[1:08]Bailey he's having a good time I think

[1:12]and um this environment kind of

[1:17]changes I guess I've been really

[1:19]stressed out in that RV I'm

[1:23]recognizing um

[1:33]I yeah I don't know I need to think on

[1:36]that

[1:40]I

[1:43]yeah wish I knew how to make this look

[1:47]better um and I think there's a flash on

[1:51]here somehow but I don't know how to

[1:53]turn it

[1:55]on this is I had to turn that light on

[1:58]though I was hearing some noises out

[2:00]there and I'm like oh I'm in the woods

[2:03]for sure right

[2:06]now so look at this way maybe oh a

[2:11]little bit better I

[2:13]guess paty um I guess is looking at my

[2:16]older videos last

[2:18]night she left the comment on she found

[2:22]an important one I remember that

[2:25]day I was taking my cats with me um

[2:31]driving the car I had bought for my

[2:33]parents and there was not a direct

[2:37]confrontation with them but the tension

[2:40]was there

[2:42]and I heard the way that my father was

[2:44]talking to my

[2:46]mother very abrasively

[2:50]and

[2:55]basically my relationship with them oh

[2:59]it has always been mad I they

[3:05]just my father stopped talking to me

[3:08]because of that video on my

[3:11]way um back to the campground I talked

[3:15]about some of the issues I had with him

[3:19]he started giving me the silent

[3:20]treatment after

[3:22]that it wasn't too long after that that

[3:24]I ended contact with both of them cuz it

[3:28]wasn't going to work I couldn't even go

[3:31]to the house to see Oliver went back

[3:34]there some soon after that I think

[3:39]and you know I couldn't be in the same

[3:42]house with him so I couldn't see Oliver

[3:44]unless he would leave and it's his house

[3:46]and the dynamic felt strange

[3:50]and just it was always so hard to just

[3:54]have a normal relationship with my

[3:58]parents

[4:02]my mother and I were close she like she

[4:05]noted in her comment U my mom had a

[4:07]bedroom at my house she was there two or

[4:10]three times a

[4:12]week and but even that didn't go so well

[4:17]because she never really talked to me

[4:20]she would she would clean my house cuz I

[4:23]need that kind of help she would take

[4:25]care of the cats like their litter box

[4:27]CU I was always really bad at that and I

[4:30]appreciated these

[4:32]things and I think that was her way of

[4:35]trying to show me love but it doesn't

[4:37]even come close to what I need you

[4:41]know and I didn't know at the time that

[4:46]I was living in it but I wasn't getting

[4:49]any kind of validation from her and I

[4:51]didn't have a very deep connection like

[4:53]we just

[4:55]coexisted and I think that that made me

[4:59]feel feel lonely even in her

[5:04]presence so that's one of the reasons I

[5:07]I just broke contact with her she would

[5:10]make me feel bad just because I couldn't

[5:12]give Bailey the attention that he wants

[5:15]that cat needs constant attention he is

[5:18]the most demanding cat I have ever had

[5:20]in my

[5:21]life I mean he his mother abandoned him

[5:24]when he was a day old and he's just not

[5:28]a normal cat his need for his

[5:34]needs I mean I want to say they M my own

[5:36]but they they really

[5:40]don't he has he has a need

[5:44]for for love and attention just like I

[5:48]do well I know what I'm thinking it's I

[5:51]used to be like him when I was

[5:54]younger

[5:56]and that's why I'm alone now I could

[5:59]never

[6:00]maintain a relationship with the

[6:02]boyfriend

[6:03]because I didn't

[6:06]have I didn't love myself so I was

[6:10]trying to get that from someone else

[6:13]and I needed it so

[6:19]badly that it just put a lot of pressure

[6:21]on the

[6:23]relationship and I recognized that about

[6:25]myself so I stopped dating because I

[6:28]knew that if I couldn't find it from

[6:30]within then it was never going to

[6:33]work so that's how I ended up

[6:39]alone took me 47 years to find some

[6:43]semblance

[6:44]of love for

[6:47]myself um what with my cat it's you know

[6:51]he's not thinking about these things

[6:52]he's thinking give me attention give me

[6:55]attention and it's just I've only got so

[6:58]much capacity for that and my mother

[7:01]would make me feel bad about

[7:03]it

[7:06]just it's just how they've always been

[7:08]they've never truly tried to understand

[7:11]me and that was their responsibility

[7:14]they really should have tried and they

[7:16]should have kept trying and kept

[7:18]trying

[7:21]but they just took advantage of me they

[7:26]didn't they didn't honor me they

[7:32]didn't they just weren't good parents

[7:35]and I'm really not trying to blame them

[7:40]or pass judgment on them or anything

[7:43]like that I'm just I'm just recognizing

[7:45]the dynamic and it was very

[7:48]unhealthy

[7:50]and it pains me that I can't have a

[7:53]relationship with them

[7:56]but I I don't want that kind of

[7:58]relationship ship in my life so here we

[8:01]are

Summary

rswfire records at 4 AM from a wooded campground location, having slept 6 hours after going to bed at 10 PM. He discusses poor sleep quality in the RV and plans for the day including grocery shopping, using a charcoal grill, and doing laundry. **Bailey** (his cat) is present and doing well in the outdoor environment.

The transmission shifts to family dynamics after **Paty** commented on an older video. rswfire recounts a pivotal moment when he was driving a car he'd bought for his parents, witnessed his father speaking abrasively to his mother, and later made a video discussing issues with his father. This led to his father giving him the silent treatment, ultimately resulting in rswfire ending contact with both parents.

He describes his relationship with his mother, who had a bedroom at his house and visited 2-3 times weekly to clean and care for the cats. Despite her practical help, he felt no validation or deep connection, describing their interaction as mere coexistence that left him feeling lonely. His mother would criticize him for not giving Bailey enough attention.

rswfire reflects on Bailey's demanding nature, explaining the cat was abandoned by his mother at one day old and requires constant attention. He draws parallels between Bailey's neediness and his own past behavior in relationships, explaining how his need for external validation put pressure on romantic relationships and led him to stop dating. At 47, he reports finding some self-love but acknowledges the unhealthy family dynamics that shaped him.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission performs deep excavation of familial relational patterns while simultaneously establishing sovereign boundaries. The field is mapping the architecture of abandonment and validation deficit as foundational context for current isolation protocols.

Dominant Language

capacityvalidationcoexisteddynamicresponsibilityhonorstructural necessity

Symbolic Elements

woodsthresholdmirrorabandonment

Ontological States

•
transitional
•
sovereign
•
integrating

Subsystems

•
relational
•
emotional
•
cognitive
•
ethical

Transmission Details

Source Type

youtube

Duration