Processing Hypervigilance and Parental Trauma Patterns

Speaker is in his RV which has been angled for a week, causing balance and sleep issues. It's Thursday and he's considering leveling the RV today to avoid weekend crowds. He's been up about an hour, did dishes, made coffee, and is reflecting on childhood trauma patterns.

Energetic Signature

analytical clarity with underlying rage

Field State

pattern integration

Orientation

toward complex causality understanding

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July 18, 2024

8:29

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:01]good morning fellow humans it's

[0:05]noon I've been up an hour or

[0:08]so did some dishes made some

[0:12]Cofe it's a little difficult to sit here

[0:14]because we're kind of angled a little

[0:16]bit not a lot probably like I don't even

[0:20]know 5

[0:24]10° Apparently that is enough to just

[0:26]set your ears off or whatever you know

[0:28]it's a balancing I think

[0:30]cuz I do not feel Lov one it's difficult

[0:34]been like this for a week sleeping on my

[0:37]bed like this is not

[0:41]fun I might do something about it today

[0:44]it's Thursday if I'm going to do it it

[0:46]needs to be today because I won't do it

[0:48]on the weekends when there are people

[0:50]everywhere so it's either today or maybe

[0:56]Monday so I want to acknowledge some

[0:59]things I think haven't really thought

[1:01]any of this

[1:04]through I don't know why this small

[1:07]space is so hard for

[1:09][Music]

[1:10]me there are times in my life including

[1:13]my 30s where I had to live in my

[1:17]bedroom because my parents either lived

[1:21]with me or I lived with

[1:23]them and being around my father I was

[1:27]constantly

[1:30]analyzing his

[1:32]mood because it always felt like

[1:36]he was just judging me didn't want me

[1:40]around made me feel

[1:46]inferior that's called hypervigilance

[1:48]that's what I grow up with that's what

[1:50]I've experienced for a large portion of

[1:52]my

[1:55]life and that that is very toxic to a

[1:59]person it's a a very deep poison that

[2:03]you put inside of your child and

[2:07]just shape them

[2:11]into something they were never meant to

[2:15]be people can be hypervigilant for

[2:18]different reasons in my case it's my

[2:21]father probably my mother too you know

[2:24]I'm starting to recognize my mother

[2:26]wasn't a

[2:27]saint I think that I needed that

[2:30]cognitive dissonance in my life in order

[2:32]just to survive I had to at least have

[2:34]one parent that was a good parent but

[2:37]she

[2:40]wasn't she didn't know how to comfort

[2:43]her

[2:44]children ever this was a woman who never

[2:48]hugged us when I bring that up she says

[2:51]I'm just trying to make her feel bad no

[2:52]I'm trying to tell you that it really

[2:54]sucked that I didn't have a mother who

[2:56]would hug me

[3:02]growing up that way being the kind of

[3:04]person I am with the cognitive style

[3:07]that I

[3:08]have with the high Sensitivity I

[3:12]have I knew I was different that's

[3:20]obvious and rather than seeing that as a

[3:23]unique strength that I had my whole life

[3:25]I saw it as something

[3:28]that was just Dam DED broken

[3:41]wrong it

[3:45]is I'm just angry these

[3:49]days I I deserve

[3:51]better we all

[3:54]do some people shouldn't have

[3:56]kids as far as I'm concerned

[4:00]I've said before they are broken and I

[4:02]am broken because of them that's true

[4:05]it's still

[4:06]true but I have found something inside

[4:09]of

[4:12]me it's like I've integrated this new

[4:19]knowledge I do see now that they are the

[4:22]problem and it was never

[4:24]me that doesn't mean I don't have a lot

[4:27]of things in my head that are going to

[4:30]require some

[4:34]reprogramming and that's a journey I

[4:36]will be on probably for a very long time

[4:39]perhaps the rest of my

[4:43]life I didn't feel worthy I didn't take

[4:47]care of myself because I didn't feel

[4:52]worthy my parents are to blame for

[4:55]that they are

[5:00]it's not just them though it's also

[5:08]Society people convince me that being

[5:12]gay made

[5:17]me

[5:22]unworthy it's taking me a long time to

[5:25]understand that point of view

[5:30]has no

[5:32]weight

[5:35]and we were making progress and now

[5:38]we're moving backwards

[5:41]again and it's

[5:43]because most

[5:45]humans a lot of

[5:48]them are too sh to

[5:52]understand just how shellow they

[5:58]are these are the things that I have to

[6:00]think

[6:03]about I don't choose to think about them

[6:06]they're just there they're part of my

[6:08]awareness they're not even judgments

[6:10]they're

[6:15]observations I have always

[6:18]felt

[6:21]different separate from this

[6:24]world the avatar for my YouTube channel

[6:28]many of my social works is a picture of

[6:30]an earth with a guy standing off looking

[6:33]at

[6:35]it and that's what it feels

[6:38]like it's what it's always felt

[6:43]like so I did some thinking

[6:46]about my video before posting it which

[6:49]you know this is attached to the end

[6:52]now I realized that my

[6:56]hypervigilance likely

[7:00]exacerbated the problem with my dad for

[7:04]example because I'm constantly

[7:08]hypervigilant even if he's just in a

[7:11]normal state of

[7:14]being that would influence him to put

[7:17]his own guard

[7:19]up and I need to acknowledge that

[7:22]because this is a new insight for me at

[7:25]the same

[7:26]time that hypervigilance came from

[7:28]somewhere

[7:31]so it was like this cyclical pattern

[7:34]that

[7:36]just made everything worse and because

[7:39]my father doesn't have my cognitive

[7:41]style he doesn't think about these

[7:44]things he wasn't able to address

[7:48]it the same with my mother the fact that

[7:52]I'm hypervigilant means that there's

[7:55]even though I'm very

[7:57]open there's still a around me and maybe

[8:01]that made it harder for her to hug

[8:03]me at the same time she's the parent she

[8:07]should do it

[8:09]anyways these these insights matter they

[8:13]don't excuse the behavior but they

[8:16]show they

[8:19]show my part in

[8:24]them and that's important so I just need

[8:26]to attach that to the end of this

Summary

The speaker reflects on living in an angled RV for a week, causing balance issues and sleep difficulties. He considers leveling the RV on Thursday to avoid weekend crowds. **Core focus shifts to processing childhood trauma** - specifically hypervigilance developed from constant analysis of his father's moods and judgment. He describes feeling inferior and unwanted, recognizing this as toxic conditioning that shaped him into something he wasn't meant to be.

The speaker acknowledges his mother also failed to provide comfort, never hugging her children, contrary to his previous idealization of her as the "good parent." He connects his high sensitivity and cognitive differences to feeling damaged and broken throughout his life, rather than recognizing these as strengths.

**Key insight emerges**: He now understands his parents were the problem, not him, though he recognizes the need for ongoing reprogramming. He also addresses societal conditioning around being gay that reinforced feelings of unworthiness. The speaker describes feeling perpetually separate from the world, using his YouTube avatar (person standing apart from Earth) as symbolic representation.

**New self-awareness**: He recognizes his hypervigilance may have created cyclical patterns, causing his father to become more guarded in response, and potentially making it harder for his mother to show affection. While acknowledging his role in these dynamics, he maintains that as parents, they should have addressed these patterns regardless.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission maps the recursive architecture of hypervigilance as both symptom and contributing factor in relational dysfunction. The field is performing diagnostic work on inherited trauma patterns while simultaneously integrating responsibility without self-blame, establishing a more complex causal understanding that preserves agency.

Dominant Language

hypervigilancecognitive dissonancebrokenworthy/unworthycyclical patternmy part in themdifferent/separate

Symbolic Elements

wallguardpoisonearthobserver

Ontological States

•
integrating
•
analytical
•
sovereign
•
wounded

Subsystems

•
cognitive
•
emotional
•
relational

Transmission Details

Source Type

youtube

Duration