[0:03]hi fellow
[0:05]hammans I guess I should acknowledge how
[0:07]I'm
[0:12]doing not so
[0:16]well I have been deep in the darkness
[0:19]these past few
[0:25]days that's why I haven't been posting
[0:32]I really don't know what to say because
[0:33]I don't want any pity and I don't want
[0:35]any
[0:36]judgment I just want to acknowledge my
[0:39]my perspective my existence right
[0:44][Music]
[0:46]now I hate this
[0:51]lifestyle it's not working for
[0:55]me and I've been kind of stuck in that
[0:58]space for the past couple of days
[1:04][Music]
[1:12]I'm mostly
[1:12][Music]
[1:15]fine this is just not working for me I
[1:19]don't know if that will change
[1:32]today I started thinking maybe I'll just
[1:34]go run an apartment and put this thing
[1:36]in
[1:43]storage which is not an
[1:48]answer but I don't know what the answer
[1:52]is so I have been
[1:55]stuck in a weird space where I just feel
[1:58]angry
[2:01]frustrated and
[2:05]Afraid all for different
[2:12]reasons I don't really want to get into
[2:17]it but I know that some of you out
[2:22][Music]
[2:25]there would like to know
[2:35]I just haven't figured it out I'm not
[2:37]sure what I'm going to
[2:39]do I have so much going on in my
[2:43]head I didn't want to hear the
[2:46]song so I realize that I have
[2:51]reached the extent of the help that AI
[2:54]is able to offer
[2:56]me it has provided me with every Insight
[2:59]I'm going to have out about
[3:02]myself and now it is just up to
[3:06]me and only
[3:16]me I'm not sure what the hesitation
[3:24]is oh
[3:27]biley you like to say
[3:34][Music]
[3:40]okay you know it's been 6 weeks since I
[3:43]had a
[3:44][Music]
[3:47]cigarette because of
[3:49]this that is
[3:54]progress I decided it is too hard to
[3:56]cook in here trying to cook and do
[3:59]dishes in here here is
[4:02]impossible so I am living off peanut
[4:05]butter and jelly and
[4:12]eggs this lifestyle is not working for
[4:21]me it's just too small of the space I
[4:24]can't do
[4:25][Music]
[4:28]it my sister system thinking
[4:31]brain can't deal with the overlap of
[4:34]every area being part of different
[4:41]systems there's no
[4:45]separation I'm on my
[4:48]bed which is also my
[4:51]couch so this is where I
[4:55]sleep this is where I live
[5:05]it's just too small cannot do
[5:08]it hi
[5:10]baby are you all
[5:24]right I'll find my way out of here
[5:30]thinking about my career past couple
[5:40]days what's making me
[5:43]angry are my
[5:48]parents pretty sure they watch this
[5:50]channel I don't want them to makes me
[5:52]feel like I have to Center myself I just
[5:54]don't want them knowing anything about
[5:55]my life I want to punish them
[6:01]I get that that is a pretty base human
[6:04]thing I should be above it but I'm
[6:07]not I want to punish
[6:12]them my mother has my
[6:18][Music]
[6:25]cat I'm angrier than you'll ever
[6:28]know
[6:36]I'm frustrated
[6:38]because I'm not
[6:42]adapting I'm trying very hard it has
[6:45]been months though I should have adapted
[6:48]by
[6:54]now and I'm
[6:57]afraid for two reasons one
[7:00]I'm fairly sure
[7:03]that we're heading towards a future that
[7:06]I'm not going to
[7:08]like that I may not be able to
[7:12]survive
[7:16]until I need to be
[7:19]working it's not a thing I can put off
[7:21]any
[7:23]longer it's getting dangerously close
[7:28]and I'm too
[7:36]old to skate through life like I might
[7:40]have done in my
[7:42]past I've always found a way and path
[7:47]forward but I wouldn't say I was always
[7:50]responsible it's just not part of my
[7:56]makeup but I don't know what about
[8:01]me has made that so challenging all of
[8:04]my life I have been sitting here for
[8:08]days knowing what I need to do just from
[8:12]the very basic things of
[8:15]Life stressed out because I'm not doing
[8:19]them but still not doing them
[8:25][Music]
[8:30]we started making progress a couple days
[8:32]ago a little bit every
[8:35]day but is not
[8:40]enough I have no structure or order in
[8:43]my life at
[8:47]all I'm not sure I ever have
[8:52]honestly a large portion of my life was
[8:54]just sitting in front of a computer
[8:57]working all the
[8:58]time because I was passionate about it I
[9:02]could put all of my energies into it all
[9:04]day all
[9:08]night and I'd still find a balance I'd
[9:11]find time to read books play video
[9:16]games for a large part of my life
[9:20]hiking there was always a balance at
[9:23]some point that flipped
[9:34]I just feel truly lost right
[9:40]now like I said I'm deep in the
[9:44][Music]
[9:45]darkness and I generally don't want any
[9:49]pity or
[9:52]judgments I just want to
[9:56]acknowledge that this is where I am
[9:58]today
[10:02]and I believe that it serves a purpose
[10:05]that is kind of an innate part of
[10:11]myself I have made a lot of progress in
[10:14]my
[10:14][Music]
[10:18]life and I did it by trusting my
[10:21]intuition and my emotions and using my
[10:23]emotions
[10:26]as a sort of data point
[10:32]a sign
[10:36]post and I just don't understand these
[10:38]feelings I don't know that I ever
[10:46]have I think it would be very easy to
[10:49]pathologize
[10:52]me you guys see little clips of my life
[10:55]you've
[10:56]seen me Express just about any emotion
[10:59]that there
[11:02]is but that would be too simplistic it
[11:06]wouldn't be
[11:08]accurate I am trying to completely
[11:12]transform who I am as a
[11:14]person and that is a very challenging
[11:18]thing to
[11:21][Music]
[11:22]do intellectually I understand
[11:26][Music]
[11:32]but there is a disconnect between my
[11:34]brain and my
[11:38]heart between what I know and what I
[11:41][Music]
[11:45]feel trying to integrate those two
[11:48]things that is very
[11:52]challenging and I have made a lot of
[11:54]progress there too
[11:57][Music]
[12:00]but not
[12:02][Music]
[12:15][Music]
[12:22]enough I genuinely don't know where this
[12:25]is leading me
[12:37]a big part of me doesn't want to keep
[12:39]doing this
[12:42]channel I wasn't planning to talk about
[12:44]any of
[12:49][Music]
[12:50]this it's been like 4 days since I
[12:53]posted anything I've gotten a couple of
[12:55]emails
[13:10][Music]
[13:12]it's not easy to do this you
[13:14]know it's damn
[13:17]hard and then on top of that I have to
[13:19]deal with from people I don't
[13:22]know who just
[13:24]randomly get my videos in their feed so
[13:27]they think that gives them some right to
[13:28]comment with some
[13:37] I'm I'm reassessing everything
[13:39]in my life right now that's what's
[13:50]happening and I I don't know where it's
[13:53]going to take
[13:55]me I just don't know
[14:00]w