[0:01]good morning my fellow humans I hope
[0:03]you're having a very good day I hope you
[0:06]had a good holiday mine was pretty good
[0:08]it was raining so there weren't a lot of
[0:09]fireworks to deal with which for me is a
[0:12]good thing that was very
[0:13]pleasant so I want to start by
[0:17]acknowledging
[0:18]that turning off my comments might have
[0:21]made some of my longtime subscribers
[0:23]feel like I was rejecting them and I I'm
[0:26]deeply sorry if that's how it came
[0:28]across if I didn't explain it well
[0:29]enough or if this is how you felt I I
[0:32]just want to acknowledge that
[0:34]because it it would be reasonable for
[0:36]you to feel that way and I just want you
[0:39]to know it's not it's not about that it
[0:41]is not about rejecting
[0:43]anyone it's about me it's about me just
[0:46]protecting my mental space right now I
[0:48]think that's really important I don't
[0:50]know that it's forever I just for right
[0:52]now I just feel a need to do that and
[0:55]it's also a challenge to myself because
[0:57]I really do need to find
[1:00]self validation I I don't want to get it
[1:02]from an external Source I need to find
[1:04]it from within this is really important
[1:07]after a lifetime of being treated the
[1:10]way that I was and invalidated by the
[1:12]people who were supposed to lift me
[1:15]up I really struggle with that and I
[1:18]just need I need to find a core Within
[1:21]Myself a core of self-empowerment that
[1:25]nobody else can touch that's mine that
[1:27]propels me through this life
[1:30]it is one of the reasons that I embarked
[1:33]on this journey it was this is just a
[1:35]it's a self-growth
[1:37]um profound transition into a new
[1:41]identity I'm trying to change who I am
[1:43]at the core and I have been doing a lot
[1:46]of work in that regard that's why I use
[1:48]it AI so much because I'm genuinely
[1:50]trying to change myself I want to be
[1:53]different I want to be someone
[1:55]else and so in that light I started
[2:01]thinking that I am I've been really
[2:03]struggling lately ever since I got the
[2:05]tires replaced and my on that same day
[2:08]the monitor to my desktop broke it
[2:11]demoralized me I didn't recognize it
[2:14]right away but I believe that that that
[2:17]day caused me to start stagnating like
[2:20]to give up in a sense and I am
[2:23]reclaiming my
[2:26]um I'm
[2:28]reclaiming my my approach to all of this
[2:31]I'm I'm not wording that perfectly that
[2:34]I wish that I could because I actually
[2:36]think words matter I I choose my words
[2:39]very carefully um I I really do and it
[2:43]it's one of the things that I wish
[2:45]people knew about me because there is a
[2:47]lot of nuance the things that I say I
[2:50]tried to be very direct and express
[2:53]exactly what I mean don't always get it
[2:56]right but I try I try very hard so so
[3:00]I'm just standing up inside of myself
[3:02]again and reclaiming the direction that
[3:04]I was heading in I the momentum that I
[3:06]had lost from that day I'm reclaiming it
[3:10]and a couple of other things so I am
[3:13]going to drive about an hour and a half
[3:15]away in order to go to a physical store
[3:17]where I can buy a new monitor I have
[3:20]monitors at my parents house they also
[3:22]have my most treasured gaming guides and
[3:25]I've decided today this morning to just
[3:29]let it all go I I don't want to see them
[3:33]I I don't want a confrontation with
[3:35]them for me this is I'm Letting Go that
[3:39]that stuff just you know one day I can
[3:41]replace it and you know probably at
[3:44]Great cost getting those gaming gu cost
[3:46]me a lot but I they're things you know
[3:50]they're just they're things but they're
[3:52]a part of me they're a part of my
[3:53]identity there are things that I relate
[3:55]to there things that I
[3:56]love but I love myself enough to know
[4:00]that going there to retrieve those items
[4:04]is not a healthy thing for me to do so
[4:08]I'm going to drive somewhere to look at
[4:10]some monitors that I'm hoping to get a
[4:12]pretty decent one it's not going to be
[4:14]like the ones that I had but um that's
[4:18]okay you know I
[4:20]I'm there are a lot of things that are
[4:22]going through my mind right now um the
[4:24]direction I'm trying to head in I really
[4:26]think that I'm going to pursue this
[4:28]gaming channel even though it's a
[4:29]saturated Market even though
[4:33]um it's hard for me to imagine like a
[4:37]strong following on there you know that
[4:40]makes it financially viable
[4:43]like that isn't the only reason I'm
[4:46]doing it so I'm kind of over programming
[4:51]I just am I've done it since I was a
[4:53]child I don't want to do it for the rest
[4:55]of my life so and after the last
[4:58]experience I had years of my life which
[5:00]I tried to describe in my last video I
[5:03]just
[5:05]don't you know all of my life as a
[5:08]freelancer I have had to deal with a lot
[5:10]of personalities and it just feels like
[5:14]maybe a new direction is in order I'm
[5:17]redefining who I am as a person so I
[5:21]want to pursue different interests I
[5:22]want to find joy in new things so um I'm
[5:26]thinking that I'm going to genuinely
[5:29]give my game G Channel a very solid try
[5:31]I'm going to put all of my heart and
[5:33]energy into it and see what comes out of
[5:35]it and in order to do that I need my
[5:37]desktop so I need a monitor and you know
[5:41]that's so that's what I'm doing
[5:43]today I hope that you guys have a
[5:45]wonderful day