[0:00]found another one another
[0:03]Jeep I should have turn my vehicle
[0:07]off got to get a nice blue one for this
[0:10]one that is a very beautiful color hold
[0:13]on don't have very many blue ones have
[0:16]to sett up for this
[0:19]one need their little ducks in
[0:23]there hope they don't miss it I used to
[0:26]have one like that I think that's a JK
[0:30]I'm not very good at telling when's a
[0:32]JL
[0:35]um I think it's a JK that right there is
[0:38]why I bought a bulk of little rubber
[0:40]duckies from Amazon I got like 50 of
[0:43]them very
[0:45]cheap and now anytime I see someone
[0:49]who's got some duckies you know I know
[0:52]that they're into it so got to get them
[0:54]get them see there's a Jeep there but no
[0:58]duckies I enjoy that
[1:01]so this is a little [ __ ] up I am on my
[1:03]way home from the dentist and it is
[1:04]taking me through the little town where
[1:06]my parents live because of like some
[1:09]backup or something you know it's an
[1:10]alternate
[1:11]route this town is way out of the way I
[1:14]mean if my parents saw me there they
[1:16]would definitely think I was there for
[1:18]them I don't want to be that close to
[1:20]them like wow like there's something
[1:22]about it just
[1:26]feels I don't even know I don't even
[1:28]know the word for this I this this sucks
[1:31]whatever well on a positive note it's
[1:34]going to take me on the scenic route
[1:35]which I've only taken once
[1:37]because um I went to my parent back when
[1:40]I was still talking to them um it took
[1:42]me that way and it was really beautiful
[1:45]very beautiful road that I had never
[1:46]seen before this is a way
[1:49]I it's just this is really out of the
[1:51]way so oh
[1:54]well okay at least we're going around
[1:57]the town that's good news
[2:00]I'm a little confused cuz it say College
[2:02]Street there a little tiny College
[2:05]there I don't know what find out this is
[2:09]not a place I want to
[2:11]be
[2:13]like I don't know what to think about
[2:15]this I truly don't like this just feels
[2:18]really messed
[2:20][Music]
[2:24]up there is a part of me that I'm going
[2:27]to admit
[2:28]to there's a part of me that would just
[2:32]love to do drugs all the [ __ ] time
[2:36]and get lost in night life somewhere
[2:38]like Las Vegas
[2:40]or just get lost in the night
[2:43]life I haven't let that side of myself
[2:46]out in a very long time but I'm not
[2:49]saying those are bad memories cuz
[2:51]they're
[2:52]not oh why did I ever
[2:55]stop this one
[2:58]time I dated a coke
[3:01]dealer I don't know what's bringing this
[3:03]up
[3:05]but this was in Detroit
[3:07]Michigan I started dating this coke
[3:09]dealer that I met at a
[3:12]bar he was so hot this man was [ __ ]
[3:16]gorgeous and you know all the free Coke
[3:19]you could
[3:20]have I remember one night we were at his
[3:25]house
[3:27]and we're just cuddling and I started
[3:30]crying I was so happy I just started
[3:33]crying I was so happy this man put me on
[3:36]a train back to ant aror the next
[3:37][ __ ]
[3:38][Music]
[3:40]morning oh my God and then he just
[3:42]totally ghosted me I can't remember his
[3:46]name oh that's a good
[3:50]memory
[3:53]epic so I do know I gave up
[3:57]Coke after a couple of fabulous [ __ ]
[4:00]months I mean fabulous for the one and
[4:04]only time in my entire life my nose
[4:06]split I was like okay I shouldn't be
[4:08]doing this stuff that was it for me the
[4:11]one and only time my nose has ever
[4:14]blend I had a very good life in some
[4:16]ways I mean once I came out I just I was
[4:21]a different person I I embrac life big
[4:25]time and I definitely had fun I
[4:30]definitely had
[4:31]fun I was looking for love I guess maybe
[4:36]that's just what I was telling
[4:39]myself nah we had a lot I mean just
[4:42]think Queer as Folk cuz that was
[4:46]definitely
[4:46]mean oh man I used to have so much
[4:50]fun after Coke I Still Smoked pot I gave
[4:54]that up when I was around I think I was
[4:56]28 years old I feel like I actually
[4:57]remember
[5:00]um can't remember why though it was like
[5:03]and I didn't smoke that stuff for a long
[5:06]time until like a year ago
[5:08]so something convinced me in my own mind
[5:13]cuz it's not like anybody else could
[5:15]have done it I just
[5:18]decided like maybe I was using it as a
[5:20]crutch or something I don't know but
[5:21]anyways soon after that is when I had my
[5:24]first panic attack I'm sure those two
[5:25]things are related and I'd been on
[5:28]clopin ever since
[5:31]I want to get off that I mean we're down
[5:33]to a quarter of a
[5:34]milligram I've been thinking maybe maybe
[5:37]it's time I didn't get through the
[5:38]tramad doll you know I feel like I'm
[5:41]over that you know my mother used that
[5:44]as ammunition against me because I went
[5:46]to her house one day and I told her
[5:48]because I had a video about this where I
[5:51]had been talking to Ai and AI had told
[5:53]me um about how my neurotransmitters
[5:56]were all just messed up from being
[5:57]through withraw and how it takes takes
[5:59]time for that to get
[6:03]better and so I kind of came up with a
[6:06]joke about it and I said I can't really
[6:07]trust my own mind right now I said that
[6:09]in a video and I it was a joke it was a
[6:12]joke I me it was half serious but it was
[6:14]mostly a joke and my mother used that
[6:17]twice in conversations with her when I
[6:19]was talking about getting Oliver she
[6:21]said I don't know if I can trust you
[6:22]right now you said so
[6:25]yourself I truly don't know what took me
[6:29]so long to finally abandon those two
[6:31]because they [ __ ] deserved it a long
[6:34]ass time
[6:35]ago so I'm pretty much almost back I
[6:38]guess I still got 20 minutes to go there
[6:41]is one thing I wanted to talk
[6:43]about cuz I just haven't acknowledged
[6:45]this on my channel yet and I think it's
[6:47]time um I don't like the RV lifestyle
[6:50]I'm not enjoying this at all like I
[6:53]literally do not seem to like any aspect
[6:56]of this right now so I don't like the
[6:58]small space I don't like the
[7:00]insufferable heat I feel like Bailey's
[7:04]bored to
[7:05]tears you know um I'm I hate being on
[7:08]campgrounds by you know around a bunch
[7:10]of people like everything about it right
[7:12]now all the challenges I'm having I am
[7:15]not enjoying any of it I think what I
[7:18]really wanted was to buy some land to
[7:21]have a cabin and when that fell
[7:23]through this was like the next best
[7:26]thing that I felt like I could do
[7:27]because I did have to get out of my
[7:29]house I couldn't stay there I I knew on
[7:32]some level maybe not even a conscious
[7:34]one but on some level I knew that I was
[7:37]I was moving on from my parents like I
[7:39]was done I was ready to
[7:42]just push myself back out into the
[7:45]world and that's what I've done now
[7:48]saying all of that I'm not saying it
[7:51]won't get better I'm just acknowledging
[7:53]how I feel right now I'm hoping um on
[7:56]the 7th I move into the woods so I'll be
[7:58]under a tree canopy I'm hoping hoping
[7:59]that'll be better I'm hoping that maybe
[8:01]my feeling about this lifestyle will get
[8:03]a little bit better plus you know it's
[8:05]partly because I'm stationary I don't
[8:07]like being stationary I do want to be
[8:09]out the driving being different places
[8:13]so I'm
[8:14]hopeful that it's not so much the RV
[8:17]lifestyle as it is the way I'm living it
[8:19]right now so you know stay
[8:22]tuned well I guess I could tell you guys
[8:25]what's going on in my life right now
[8:27]so I started getting into Elden ring you
[8:30]know they just came out with some DLC
[8:31]for I never actually played the original
[8:34]game just a little bit I never like you
[8:36]know got super far and and I never got
[8:38]into the Dark Souls games but you know
[8:41]I'm kind of thinking about maybe playing
[8:43]them and playing through them and maybe
[8:46]recording it for my other channel I
[8:48]don't know it's something I'm
[8:49]contemplating but I've been watching a
[8:51]lot of YouTube about the
[8:53]lore and it's just like find it
[8:57]interesting it's almost like like when
[8:59]did it become interesting to watch other
[9:01]people play and talk about video games
[9:03]instead of just playing the video games
[9:05]because that's what I did yesterday did
[9:08]that all day so and I kept saying why
[9:10]are you just play the game but these
[9:13]videos were actually interesting
[9:15]so you know when did that become a
[9:19]thing and I know that answer
[9:22]before let me address one other thing so
[9:27]when I do something I usually do it for
[9:28]many reason reasons so take my comments
[9:30]for example one of the reasons is
[9:33]because I genuinely feel like after a
[9:37]lifetime of invalidation I have to find
[9:40]that inside of myself and so I don't
[9:43]want to rely on external validation from
[9:47]people who watch me need to find that
[9:49]for
[9:50]myself I think that's important here's
[9:53]the
[9:54]reality I am ready to redefine who I am
[9:58]as a person
[10:00]dramatically
[10:02]profoundly like I can imagine different
[10:04]futures for myself and one of those
[10:06]Futures is
[10:08]just living the night life I mean it is
[10:12]I don't think that's the one that's
[10:16]likely I'm not ruling it out either life
[10:19]is
[10:20]short what makes you happy right I mean
[10:24]seriously life is
[10:27]short you want to like expend your
[10:31][Music]
[10:33]life not doing the things to make you
[10:36][ __ ] happy cuz I don't this is a very
[10:39]long 20 minutes still got 14 I am always
[10:43]fascinated I have to go into like fourth
[10:45]gear in order to get up certain
[10:47]Hills like wow you know that's pretty
[10:50]low
[10:51]gear only tells you how steep a thing is
[10:54]so it messes with my um my cruise
[10:57]control though you know
[11:00]here we
[11:01][Music]
[11:07]go you know what um this particular song
[11:13]I love that it has the flute but they
[11:14]weren't the first they stole from
[11:15]somebody else named scream absolutely
[11:18]love this song I hope I don't get some
[11:20]kind of copyright strike I'm going to
[11:23]die
[11:24]alone I am genuinely ready for the next
[11:27]chapter of my life to dark I feel stuck
[11:32]here CU of
[11:35]these it's good appointment but I'm
[11:38]ready to just go I want to go you know
[11:42]what I wish I could just go driving in
[11:45]my Jeep like cross country
[11:48]alone like I did that a few months back
[11:52]like I really don't want this RV anymore
[11:55]I just want to be out in the world
[11:59]oh
[12:01][Music]
[12:03]man what is the answer I'm going to die
[12:07]alone really alone I'm going to die
[12:11]alone going to die alone going to die
[12:15]alone really alone we're going to die
[12:21]alone going to die
[12:24]alone alone we're going to die alone
[12:28]going to die alone going to die alone
[12:32]really alone going to die
[12:38]alone this heat is
[12:41]insufferable I don't think it's a heat
[12:43]though I think it's a hum I am woring
[12:45]humidity it's very important
[12:48]number a Bailey had a good day I was
[12:52]worried that the power might go out
[12:54]while I was gone so I turned the
[12:56]dehumidifier off just to make sure they
[12:59]air conditioner stayed
[13:00]on so I really hope that everything
[13:03]looks good when I get there right around
[13:06]the
[13:07]corner I'm signing off now