Driving to Dentist, Processing Family Estrangement

Speaker is driving to a dentist appointment in Lexington where his parents live. He is in a melancholic, introspective state triggered by returning to his hometown. Currently living in an RV, having moved away from his parents' house.

Energetic Signature

melancholic resolve

Field State

rupture consolidation

Orientation

away from damaging patterns

01J1FQ6J0854N5XGDA7CBBXPA9

June 28, 2024

4:42

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:01]hi fellow humans I'm on my way to the

[0:04]dentist tried to wear my mic for this

[0:07]cuz I'm driving but I lose my maap and

[0:10]my music everything so I'm going to have

[0:12]to start bringing my GoPro with me when

[0:14]I go

[0:16]places so those of you who have been

[0:19]subscribed to me long enough know that

[0:20]when I go on these drives I get very

[0:22]introspective and think a lot

[0:26]and can kind of put me into

[0:30]more melancholic mood honestly a lot of

[0:32]the

[0:33]time guess it depends where I'm going I

[0:36]mean I am heading to Lexington that's

[0:38]where I've been living for decades and

[0:41]where my parents are and so it brings

[0:43]that stuff up and I started thinking you

[0:47]know I would really like to get a

[0:49]monitor for my desktop I'd like to get

[0:51]my gaming books from them I'd like to

[0:53]see my cat

[0:54]Oliver but I don't want to see my

[0:57]parents I truly don't

[1:00]so I've been put into this position

[1:02]where I can't get those things I can't

[1:05]seem my

[1:07]can't where I literally have to give up

[1:10]my

[1:11]cat in order to avoid the emotional

[1:14]damage that comes from seeing my

[1:17]parents and that's pretty messed up it's

[1:20]just got me thinking about

[1:24]that I love my

[1:27]mom I think it's pretty heartbreaking

[1:31]that she'll probably die never hearing

[1:33]from me again and I'm concerned that

[1:36]I'll have some guilt about

[1:38]that when it

[1:41]happens but I I know I know in my heart

[1:45]that it can't be any other

[1:48]way the way that they raised me and

[1:51]treated me throughout my life has been

[1:53]deeply deeply damaging to

[1:56]me these two people

[2:00]never helped me in the ways that I

[2:03]needed to be helped they actually did

[2:06]the opposite as a highly sensitive

[2:09]person as a gay man as an

[2:12]infj you know I have a lot of unique

[2:15]attributes and they just ignored all of

[2:17]it or tried to drill it out of me or

[2:22]just they just I was never validated by

[2:25]them all my life going up to you know

[2:29]after I already moved from my

[2:31]house

[2:33]um you know there's a reason why I

[2:36]stopped talking to my mom and was

[2:38]because I could see it like even after I

[2:41]had moved into the svine like I could

[2:44]see

[2:46]that

[2:48]how how she emotionally manipulates me

[2:51]she probably doesn't even know she's

[2:52]doing it I hope you know I'll give her

[2:54]the benefit of the doubt on that but

[2:58]that's un Hur to because she never chose

[3:01]to grow she never chose to listen to me

[3:04]or understand how she

[3:07]was harming

[3:09]me and that is just deeply hurtful you

[3:16]know so it can't be any other

[3:19]way I have to give up my things that I

[3:22]cherish the most that's why they're

[3:23]there at her

[3:26]house and I can't even see my own cat

[3:32]because my

[3:35]parents have been deeply deeply harmful

[3:38]to my mental health all of my

[3:43]life I know that's not unique to me I

[3:46]know a lot of us deal with

[3:48]that it's just heartbreaking

[3:51]because the thing that I struggle with

[3:53]most is

[3:55]self-doubt self-love that is the my core

[3:59]issue and it affects every aspect of my

[4:01]life from how I live in this

[4:04]RV to how I interact with other people

[4:08]all of it there's nothing that is not

[4:10]colored by

[4:13]that and you know I I'm deeply

[4:17]analytical and introspective so I see

[4:19]all of that and yet I can't

[4:22]get the emotional intuitive part of

[4:25]myself to accept that I am worthy of

[4:28]those things

[4:30]you just have to spend a very long time

[4:33]working on

[4:36]yourself to

[4:38]reclaim in my case what my parents took

[4:41]from me

Summary

rswfire records while driving to a dentist appointment in Lexington, where his parents live. He discusses the technical challenge of recording while driving and mentions needing to bring a GoPro for future recordings. **He reflects on wanting to retrieve personal items** (monitor, gaming books) and see his cat Oliver, but being unable to do so because they are at his parents' house and he has chosen to cut contact with them. **He describes the emotional cost of this decision** - having to give up cherished possessions and his cat to avoid what he characterizes as ongoing emotional damage from his parents. He explains that his parents never validated his identity as a highly sensitive person, gay man, and INFJ, instead trying to suppress these aspects of himself. **He identifies his core struggle as self-doubt and lack of self-love**, which he traces directly to his upbringing and describes as affecting every aspect of his current life, from living in the RV to interpersonal relationships. He acknowledges this pattern is common but emphasizes the analytical awareness versus emotional acceptance gap he experiences.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission maps the structural cost of necessary rupture - the material and relational sacrifices required to maintain psychic integrity. The field is calculating what must be abandoned (possessions, relationships, attachments) to preserve core coherence against damaging relational patterns.

Dominant Language

deeply deeply damaging/harmfulit can't be any other waynever validatedself-doubt/self-loveworthyreclaim what my parents took from me

Symbolic Elements

thresholdsacrificeexile

Ontological States

•
rupturing
•
sovereign
•
analytical

Subsystems

•
emotional
•
cognitive
•
relational

Transmission Details

Source Type

local

Video Quality

1920 × 1080 @ 30fps

Duration

4:42

Bitrate

2172 kbps

Codec

avc1.640028