Making Chili While Processing Family Separation

The speaker is in their RV/camper, working in a small kitchen space. They mention it's the middle of the day and getting hot inside. They are still organizing their living space and don't have all their cooking utensils yet, with some items still at their parents' house. They are located far from stores, making ingredient substitutions necessary.

Energetic Signature

resolute vulnerability

Field State

rupture integration

Orientation

toward sovereign infrastructure

01HZB1HGMGGHP5PKBY2N1310BP

June 1, 2024

30:18

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:00]hey everyone so I'm going to make some

[0:01]chili and I thought you could join me I

[0:04]can't promise that I will do a very good

[0:05]job at like showing you this perfectly

[0:08]but you know over time it'll get

[0:10]better I'm going to be smoking you know

[0:13]I'm a smoker and if I'm going to be

[0:14]sitting here on camera with you guys I'm

[0:16]going to be smoking

[0:18]sorry I'm having a very emotional day I

[0:20]had to cut ties with my mom today and

[0:22]we'll talk about that while I'm making

[0:24]chil and that's why I'm making it it's a

[0:26]comfort food for

[0:28]me I am not no expert at this by any

[0:31]means well I'm good at making chili but

[0:33]not in a camper and not the way that I'm

[0:35]doing it plus I'm going to make it a

[0:36]little bit differently than I usually do

[0:38]kind of just following chat gbt's

[0:41]suggestions

[0:42]and this could be fun this could be

[0:48]interesting so I guess I should start by

[0:51]getting my crockpot out

[0:54]right which is way over

[0:58]here cuz I have not been figed out a

[1:00]place for this stuff

[1:02]yet oh boy am I trying though just have

[1:07]no

[1:10]room m's on the floor that has been

[1:13]that's my fault happened happened last

[1:16]night I got to fix

[1:19]those

[1:23]so yeah I will get better at this pretty

[1:27]much organized there is a little bit on

[1:28]the floor but most I think it's going

[1:31]outside real

[1:33]close wonder if I should put this up a

[1:36]little

[1:37]higher um this one

[1:47]maybe how's

[1:49]that so I'm going to have to cook the

[1:51]beef and my electric

[1:54]skillet um decided to get these just to

[1:57]make it easier last time I made chili

[1:59]made it with you guys actually what was

[2:02]that

[2:04]messy very hard to clean in a

[2:07]camper

[2:09]so I mean good enough it's going to have

[2:13]one of these things in

[2:19]it so I realized

[2:22]today that my mom is very emotionally

[2:24]unavailable I think I knew this but I

[2:27]never consciously acknowledged it until

[2:29]today

[2:30]whenever I chat with her they're very

[2:32]short Cur messages from her doesn't

[2:35]matter what I'm talking about she

[2:36]doesn't communicate with me when she was

[2:39]at my house all the time she never talks

[2:41]about anything serious she's just like

[2:44]my dad in that respect it's like they

[2:47]they're just it just comes across as

[2:49]very

[2:50]shallow and I can't I'm not good with

[2:53]those kinds of

[2:55]relationships you know we're talking

[2:57]about my parents though

[3:00]so obviously I tried my whole damn

[3:03]life and I tried to explain to

[3:07]her see I warned her that if I was going

[3:10]to post something about my dad I'd let

[3:12]her know and I did

[3:14]that

[3:17]and then I started explain just it kind

[3:20]of blew up from there I she didn't say

[3:23]anything it's just I just wanted to

[3:26]explain I just felt a need to explain

[3:29]and

[3:31]also I had come to the realization that

[3:33]my mom is not the Savior I saw her as I

[3:36]used to think that she saved me from him

[3:38]no she taught me to endure him saving me

[3:41]from him would have been leaving him

[3:43]something she tried a couple of

[3:46]times but she just never had the

[3:48]strength of the courage to really do it

[3:50]and my father is super manipulative he

[3:53]actually kidnapped us

[3:54]once with the help of his parents and

[3:58]there was a court case and everything

[4:02]and just terrible toxic family

[4:06]Dynamics

[4:08][Applause]

[4:10]so I

[4:12]just I guess I'm a little heartbroken

[4:15]I'm

[4:19]honest but I think it's for the best I

[4:21]had to cut ties with her

[4:24]because if she's not going to be the

[4:27]mother I need her to be

[4:30]then I

[4:32]just having her in my life means having

[4:35]my father in my life there's you can't

[4:37]separate the two

[4:39]so I have been thinking this for a while

[4:42]now since I made the decision to to live

[4:44]in an

[4:45]RV before I left my house like that was

[4:48]part of it for me and I just

[4:51]couldn't I didn't want to do this but I

[4:54]knew that it might happen because

[4:58]my I just knew

[5:02]that I don't know what I'm saying guys

[5:04]I'm still processing

[5:10]this and see if we can get some food

[5:12]going so I have absolutely this Skillet

[5:14]doesn't have like it just has high

[5:15]medium

[5:17]low I don't really know what I'm doing

[5:19]here but we're just going to cook a

[5:22]pound of ground beef can't be too

[5:25]hard I'll put it on medium I guess

[5:30]and I always get gloves because I am a

[5:34]germaphobe and I don't like to touch raw

[5:38]meat um beef is about the only thing

[5:41]I've ever really cooked I I I need to

[5:44]learn to cook chicken

[5:46]fish anything else probably a little too

[5:48]crazy for me like I I can't see me

[5:52]like chat gbt was you know was helping

[5:55]me to learn to cook right and suggested

[5:58]something it was like a chicken shoulder

[6:01]some kind of shoulder like you want me

[6:03]to touch a shoulder like

[6:05]what no way that's insane so yeah we're

[6:09]not doing that one I got extra so that I

[6:12]can make hamburgers tomorrow which will

[6:14]be very interesting cuz I'm making

[6:16]something special that I've never made

[6:20]before and I kind of learned about it by

[6:25]accident I asked

[6:27]it man

[6:34]this thing is just so loud I can't stand

[6:37]it um I asked so I have these pimento

[6:42]manino olives or something like that I

[6:44]don't know what it is and I thought they

[6:47]were just called pimento olives I didn't

[6:50]understand there's a difference and so I

[6:52]asked CH how can I make pimento Burgers

[6:55]thinking it's just burger with olives

[6:58]and then it came up with this recipe

[7:01]that included like this this spread you

[7:03]make I was like damn that sounds good so

[7:07]we're making that

[7:08]tomorrow all right so there are 5 lbs

[7:13]here okay how many do I need in a 34

[7:18]pot I don't really

[7:21]know I'm just going to do

[7:25]that I guess we'll cook half of it

[7:27]whatever I only need a couple burgers

[7:31][Applause]

[7:33]okay I'll bring you over here one

[7:40]second see if we can do

[7:43]this I like this thing by the

[7:46]way hold

[7:49]on all right I knew this would be a

[7:53]challenge I knew

[7:55]it let's bring this down that how

[8:00]can you see

[8:01]me all right so I got these special

[8:04]spatulas that are made

[8:06]for and this isn't going to work very

[8:09]easily we're going to use the wood

[8:12][Music]

[8:15]one this don't seem like a lot of meat

[8:18]really I guess it's

[8:23]enough I'll have to figure out some new

[8:27]angles like I can probably put it up

[8:29]here I'm going to try that in a

[8:31]second wow that cooks really

[8:36]fast My Hope Is that I can cook things

[8:39]really fast and therefore not use a lot

[8:41]of solar power when I'm off grid and

[8:44]look how big this thing is it's way

[8:46]bigger than I thought you could cook so

[8:49]much in this I wanted a smaller one I

[8:52]didn't think I was getting something

[8:53]this

[8:58]huge I don't know if it really needs

[9:04]the um lid let's try

[9:11]this all right let's just bring you guys

[9:13]down

[9:15]here

[9:17]whoa and then see if we can do

[9:23]this

[9:27]H what would Carolyn do

[9:31]right this feels very

[9:35]difficult M where's ba always over in

[9:38]the

[9:38]window so I would need to control the

[9:41]angle I don't think this one does

[9:44]that let me see here well this is

[9:49]impossible I don't know what to do guys

[9:51]this I guess I should have you know

[9:53]practice in the beginning or something

[9:55]can hold

[9:56]it let's make some beef over here

[10:01]here I'll figure this out I'll get

[10:03]better cuz I want to make cooking

[10:06]videos I don't know

[10:08]why just cuz I don't know what I'm doing

[10:11]and I think it's fun to challenge

[10:14]yourself and why not share that with

[10:17]others kind of what I did on this

[10:19]channel the whole

[10:22]time all right we'll let this cook up I

[10:26]guess and then we got to get all our

[10:28]other stuff going

[10:30]oh no I don't think I brought any tomato

[10:32]juice

[10:34]like it didn't say to bring that I just

[10:38]went to the store it didn't say anything

[10:40]about tomato juice I always put tomato

[10:41]juice in

[10:42]mine so now

[10:46]what I always have a lot of chili stuff

[10:51]generally but I don't oh this could be

[10:55]difficult it did not tell me to get

[10:57]tomato juice I'm going to have to at

[10:59]that

[11:01]thing oh man I hope I have

[11:08]like

[11:13]something so a very hard space I'm still

[11:16]trying to organize

[11:18]it it's not easy that's for

[11:22]sure oh I can't believe that I didn't

[11:25]think of

[11:27]that should have told me though

[11:32]all right let's

[11:34]see

[11:39]nothing I mean obviously you need tomato

[11:44]juice all I really have are diced

[11:50]tomatoes let's

[11:53]see well this is going to be a weird

[11:56]chili I guess cuz

[11:57]I'm a long ways from a

[12:01]store we will just try I'm guessing this

[12:04]is in

[12:08]water like I don't is that even possible

[12:15]like you need tomato

[12:20]juice

[12:23]H this doesn't cook so well without a

[12:25]lid on it maybe that's my design I don't

[12:28]know

[12:35]okay

[12:38]so I'm making a weird version of chili I

[12:42]guess because I have no tomato

[12:45]juice it didn't tell me to get

[12:54]any oh well this is in like some kind of

[12:57]I mean maybe this will work

[12:59]just way more diced tomatoes I got I got

[13:04]more let's

[13:12]see so dark light kidney

[13:20]beans

[13:23]wait yeah

[13:26]okay so we'll try

[13:30]not sure how I'm going to drain these

[13:33]yet the beans don't know what to do

[13:36]about

[13:42]that I have never made it without tomato

[13:45]juice this works though I

[13:49]think I always put diced tomatoes in

[13:51]there I don't

[13:54]understand

[13:56]okay let's see I want

[14:00]to don't want to just dump these in

[14:02]there

[14:06]but I mean what is this in

[14:15]water I mean I assume you can

[14:20]uh-oh we're just doing it it let's

[14:23]just do it and then one more other beans

[14:30]and then the meat and then I got to do

[14:32]my

[14:33]garlic and then the spices that's the

[14:37]funnest part the thing about a camper is

[14:40]that I mean where do you put liquid

[14:42]stuff it's it's a

[14:44]problem so you know I don't know what to

[14:51]do okay

[15:04]I need to get way better at this

[15:07]because there's no room for

[15:12]anything okay this looks

[15:14]good how are we going to drain

[15:20]this

[15:22]challenging all right I have this old

[15:25]gallon of milk

[15:27]here let's put this

[15:35]away

[15:37]um turn this

[15:41]off you will go through a lot of paper

[15:44]towels that's the main way you clean

[15:46]stuff like

[15:49]that there one my

[15:55]hamburgers tomorrow

[16:03]okay all

[16:04]right this is a family thing we always

[16:07]put these in them we just Cho them

[16:13]up I think that's

[16:15]it along with the

[16:20]garlic uh-oh I don't have all of my

[16:22]utensils yet some of them are at my

[16:24]parents house

[16:29]which I'm never visiting again so now

[16:41]what well we're using a spoon for now I

[16:45]guess or did I put anything down

[16:50]here

[16:53]no all right

[16:57]whatever nothing I can do about

[17:00]it this is going to be some weird

[17:09]chil oh might help if you turn the

[17:11]crockpot

[17:13]on guess I'll turn it on high it's the

[17:16]middle of the day

[17:21]now I don't know guys I'm

[17:24]just I'm disappointed I'm

[17:27]disappointed not in my myself I'm

[17:29]disappointed in my parents truly I

[17:35]am all right let's try to get this out

[17:38]and well here's an idea might be able to

[17:41]just put this over where the hamburger

[17:43]meat is ignore the other grease for now

[17:46]you know and then that'll decrease this

[17:48]a little

[17:50]bit and then maybe I can just put it

[17:53]directly in there I don't mind a little

[17:56]Grease

[18:02]okay

[18:05]yeah very

[18:11]messing just clean the whole pot

[18:16]here this is going to be an experiment

[18:20]for

[18:21]real got to hurry and get it over there

[18:23]hot

[18:25]grease

[18:27]okay I am not I cook

[18:29]guys I told you this worked really well

[18:33]though it almost cleans it it's amazing

[18:36]to

[18:38]me

[18:42]okay and you definitely want to conserve

[18:45]water so this is a very

[18:48]helpful but not very environmentally

[18:53]friendly so I guess we're not going with

[18:55]that

[18:57]approach now I just got to get it in

[18:59]there

[19:02][Music]

[19:05]somehow all right we'll put it on a

[19:08]paper

[19:10]plate with some

[19:12]napkins paper

[19:22]towels how many of you can imagine what

[19:24]it's like to grow up in a family well

[19:27]you're like the only s

[19:29]one like everybody else is just so

[19:32]unconscious they

[19:35]don't they don't try to

[19:38]grow they don't talk about their

[19:40]feelings

[19:43]ever they don't apologize when they do

[19:46]something wrong

[19:51]ever it's just very

[19:55]frustrating and so I grow up thinking

[19:58]I'm the

[19:59]problem I was never the

[20:03]problem they're the problem they just

[20:05]their whole life they never chose to

[20:07]grow not once in their whole lives I

[20:10]cannot understand that apparently that's

[20:13]kind of normal though and that's what

[20:15]mindfulness is all about I've been

[20:17]having chats about that and that's just

[20:20]something I do naturally just because of

[20:21]the kind of personality have being an

[20:23]infj and a highly sensitive person I

[20:26]don't have a choice I'm always mindful

[20:29]apparently some people have to work at

[20:32]that and so I don't know it's

[20:37]like I wish I could just accept them the

[20:40]way they are I guess but not at not not

[20:44]not when they've hurt me as much as they

[20:45]have for so as long as they

[20:48]have cuz that's not fair to

[20:51]me and I can't can't just let them stay

[20:54]in my life you know continuing to har

[21:02]me just

[21:06]disappointing but I'll move on and I

[21:09]will have a great

[21:10]life this is going to be some weird

[21:12]chili it really is this is not the it

[21:15]looks like watery like I don't care I'll

[21:18]eat

[21:19]it okay we're going to cut up some

[21:26]garlic cloes

[21:30]don't want to be too messy in

[21:36]here sorry I really will have to figure

[21:38]out that camera

[21:39]cuz I don't know how other people do

[21:42]it

[21:45]um mostly just wanted to chat about

[21:47]what's going on in my

[21:54]life so

[22:02]it's getting hot in here I'm going to

[22:03]have to turn the air on it's getting

[22:11]hot my mic does have noise cancelling

[22:16]technology can turn that on

[22:28]I love

[22:43]garlic uh-oh my one knife is

[22:48]dirty they have some big knives but

[22:51]usually just use this little steak knife

[22:53]that I have

[22:54]but guess not today

[23:07]I'm surprised it called for two

[23:10]clothes usually it's

[23:16]one

[23:17]okay cut this

[23:20]up maybe you want to you can tell me the

[23:23]difference between these two cuz I have

[23:24]no idea I'm thinking maybe this is for

[23:27]me but I don't know that for

[23:30]sure and this seems awfully big for

[23:33]cutting things

[23:34]but oh it's very sharp these were gifts

[23:38]from my mom the only gift I can remember

[23:41]her ever giving

[23:43]me was very

[23:46]thoughtful well I shouldn't say that

[23:48]she's giv me things that were hers you

[23:53]know just it was very thoughtful she

[23:56]thought of something I truly needed and

[23:57]didn't have would have never thought to

[23:59]get

[24:01]myself that was it was a thoughtful

[24:04]gift so was a very sharp

[24:07]knife could easily cut

[24:12]myself I have a garlic press don't know

[24:16]how to use

[24:18]it um I should have asked chat gbt ahead

[24:21]of time normally I just cut it up and

[24:23]throw it in there though so

[24:32]and I'll just show you what it looks

[24:33]like in the

[24:37]end this is going to be

[24:40]interesting cuz no tomato juice that is

[24:43]a requirement oh boy am I going to have

[24:45]it out with jet

[24:47]DVT cuz I went through a lot of I kept

[24:50]telling it you have to be thorough or I

[24:52]will not get it this is definitely a lot

[24:56]of

[24:57]garlic or three

[25:00]quarts but we'll do it why

[25:04]not it's going to need flavor from

[25:07]something then we'll just put some of

[25:09]these in

[25:11]there um I did get onions um I'm not

[25:14]going to put any in here

[25:16]though they're not really my favorite

[25:19]thing

[25:20]and this looks like it'll be all right

[25:30]and I'm just thinking about how am I

[25:32]going to clean this

[25:34]up it is a challenge you have Min you

[25:37]know little

[25:40]tanks maybe I'll become an expert and

[25:44]then I'll have cooking classes for

[25:46]people where for people who live in RVs

[25:50]I don't know that would be so

[25:53]cool um I'm just thinking about new ways

[25:56]of living and making money because CU I

[25:59]don't want to keep doing what I've done

[26:00]my whole

[26:01]life I would like a

[26:04]change I haven't figured out what that's

[26:06]going to be

[26:11]at these are so slimy and gross and so

[26:14]many

[26:15]seeds

[26:17]oops good thing my rug's not down there

[26:19]right

[26:22]now but yeah we're just going to dump

[26:25]that in there

[26:28]why

[26:32]not think that's probably

[26:37]it oh the spices of

[26:42]course um limited

[26:45]space truly it is a

[26:51]problem and that sink is

[26:53]inaccessible while doing

[26:56]this it's interesting hadn't really

[27:00]thought about

[27:02]that

[27:05]so oh come

[27:10]on you definitely need to think through

[27:13]where you put your dishes

[27:15]and that you're

[27:20]using

[27:23]okay I don't know what I would call this

[27:27]I wouldn't call this

[27:33]chil it's pretty

[27:36]watery I don't know why I thought that

[27:38]would

[27:40]work but you know what I'm just making

[27:42]deal with what I have any

[27:45]y I think that's

[27:47]okay as long as you can make it taste

[27:52]good you

[27:55]know I can't believe it didn't tell me

[27:58]what all right

[28:01]spices so there are three of

[28:04]them chili

[28:08]powder

[28:10]cayenne and

[28:12]paprika or wait

[28:16]cumin now I'm confused which ones do I

[28:18]normally use I didn't have them in these

[28:22]before I think I'm probably use cumin

[28:25]paprika and cayenne

[28:28]maybe this chili powder is something

[28:30]else I don't know we're just going to

[28:32]put them all in not a lot to

[28:35]start I've made that mistake

[28:39]before I think cumin is the

[28:43]strongest yeah I think

[28:50]so paprika doesn't sound right to me but

[28:54]must be something I've

[28:56]used used it quite a lot

[29:01]oh yeah I know that color pretty

[29:06]color mix that

[29:12]up some point I'll put this on

[29:18]low cuz I mean it's all basically

[29:23]cooked of course you need time for the

[29:25]spices and the chili and the garlic

[29:32]but I don't know quick simple meal I

[29:35]guess kind of could have done simpler

[29:38]with way less

[29:40]mess

[29:45]so here's what we got hope it comes out

[29:48]all

[29:51]right just going to end it there I'm I'm

[29:54]probably a little bit sad but I'm trying

[29:56]not to be because I just don't see see

[29:58]the point anymore it's

[30:00]like I just don't see the point anymore

[30:05]because this has been going on my whole

[30:07]freaking life and it's just I'm just

[30:09]over it I want to be over it just truly

[30:11]over it and the best way to get over it

[30:13]is to just cut them out of your life and

[30:15]move on

[30:17][Music]

Summary

The speaker records themselves making chili in their RV while processing having cut ties with their mother earlier that day. They work through cooking challenges in the small space, including missing tomato juice and limited equipment. Throughout the cooking process, they reflect on their family dynamics, describing both parents as emotionally unavailable and shallow. They explain that their mother taught them to endure their father rather than truly protecting them from him, and that maintaining contact with their mother means having their father in their life as well. The speaker discusses growing up feeling like the only conscious person in an unconscious family, always being blamed as the problem when they were actually the only one trying to grow. They express disappointment but determination to move forward with their life. The cooking video serves as both a practical demonstration and emotional processing session.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission demonstrates the simultaneous navigation of relational rupture and material grounding through domestic practice. The field is using cooking as a stabilizing ritual while processing the necessary severance of toxic family systems, establishing sovereignty through practical embodiment in constrained space.

Dominant Language

cut tiesemotionally unavailableI'm just over itnot the Savior I saw her astaught me to endure himdisappointingnever chose to grow

Symbolic Elements

firecontainernourishmentthresholdmess

Ontological States

•
rupturing
•
grounding
•
sovereign
•
transitional

Subsystems

•
emotional
•
somatic
•
relational
•
infrastructural

Transmission Details

Source Type

youtube

Duration