Late Night Anxiety About Moving Camps Tomorrow

Late night recording at 4 minutes to midnight on day 14 of RV living. rswfire is in bed with both cats, unable to sleep due to anxiety about moving camps the next day. He's in an uncomfortable RV bed with two bed toppers, dealing with practical concerns about timing and logistics.

Energetic Signature

raw urgency

Field State

threshold crossing

Orientation

toward authentic embodiment

01HW82M2VGNGZBWQJM84HNZ05G

April 24, 2024

15:34

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:01]so I'm just going to complain for a

[0:02]minute and then I'm going to try to tell

[0:04]you guys something profound okay is that

[0:06]a

[0:08]deal I can't sleep I'm

[0:11]anxious I have to move camps in like a

[0:14]day and I have I don't know why I'm

[0:17]anxious about just cuz I haven't done it

[0:18]I guess like I didn't feel that way

[0:20]coming here but like you have to

[0:23]navigate so many things like the fact

[0:25]that I have to leave here at a certain

[0:27]time and I can only arrive at the other

[0:28]place at a certain time and they're

[0:32]like not even close like I think the

[0:35]other place I you like show up at 5 like

[0:38]what am I going to do till then with a

[0:39]big camper I have no

[0:41]idea um try to find propane I guess and

[0:44]then figure out how to put the propane

[0:46]in my tanks if I have to do it myself

[0:49]like you know like I assume there's no

[0:53]attendant there that's going to help you

[0:54]do

[0:56]it oh my God so I was trying to sleep I

[0:59]just couldn't

[1:01]um and it was like 4 Minutes to Midnight

[1:04]so I'm counting this is

[1:06]day I have to look it up 14 I think my

[1:10]cats are over here by the way they're

[1:11]both on the bed with me eliver is on my

[1:14]lap M's over

[1:17]here this is like the most uncomfortable

[1:20]bed I have ever slept in in my life and

[1:22]I have

[1:23]two like bed Toppers on it it's still

[1:27]uncomfortable and then you add these two

[1:29]cats it's like I don't even know how to

[1:31]sleep in this bed

[1:33]cuz like I'm trying to sleep at an angle

[1:35]between them and it's just not

[1:38]working yeah I mean these are

[1:41]just you know this is just the start of

[1:46]my new life here like you know we'll all

[1:49]adjust over looks awfully comfortable

[1:52]don't want to disturb him Bailey always

[1:54]looks comfortable that cat knows how to

[1:56]sleep it just does he is just a m at it

[2:02]so at least they're here they were

[2:04]playing I'm like I'm trying to sleep

[2:06]they're out there playing and you know

[2:08]just making all kinds of

[2:10]noise but at least they kind of they

[2:12]kind of stay on the same schedule as me

[2:14]which is

[2:15]nice the first week wasn't like that

[2:18]they were up in the cab area the whole

[2:20]time just looking out those windows so I

[2:23]guess it's not too new to them now so

[2:26]that's good I'm just going to pause this

[2:27]for a sec so so I feel like I just need

[2:31]to to say this I I

[2:34]definitely don't want to be popular on

[2:37]YouTube like at all so

[2:40]Carolyn very kindly made this post that

[2:44]directed some of her visitors or

[2:46]subscribers to me and they're all very

[2:49]wonderful people but do you know who

[2:51]came with them the people who troll her

[2:54]and they are rude oh my god I've been

[2:57]deleting their comments like

[3:03]man I I could I could get really angry

[3:05]if I actually stopped to think about it

[3:07]for a second like I was just about to

[3:09]start getting

[3:10]angry um this is wrong it's just

[3:14]wrong and I don't know I just I like the

[3:17]personal feel of my channel I really do

[3:19]I really am not aspiring to anything I

[3:22]was starting to get to know some people

[3:24]and I like that I really do like

[3:27]that um

[3:32]yeah I I've had a lot of time to think

[3:35]about this and like well it's kind of to

[3:39]me it's interesting because I didn't

[3:41]know about the community the YouTube

[3:43]community at all when I started my RV

[3:46]journey and so I've had like a lot of

[3:50]catching up to do and I've learned about

[3:52]some of the really popular YouTubers I'm

[3:54]not talking about Carolyn I'm just

[3:56]talking about the

[3:57]others and

[4:00]I've seen their old videos and I've seen

[4:03]how they are now and they're different

[4:05]people they're way less authentic than

[4:08]they used to be I love

[4:10]them I love their older videos and like

[4:14]I don't want that to happen to me I

[4:16]would if that ever happened to me then

[4:18]then I've gone to well I've said this

[4:20]I'm gone to the dark side if that

[4:23]happens um I don't think that about

[4:26]Caroline I'm not even trying to make

[4:27]this video about her it's just I guess

[4:29]she's on my mind now but others I don't

[4:33]want to name names but you can see the

[4:35]change in people and

[4:38]I that cannot happen to me because that

[4:41]is just not acceptable like my brain

[4:44]will not accept

[4:46]that not that I think I could ever even

[4:49]be that popular because honestly I think

[4:51]that that's impossible but um I'm just

[4:55]saying I just want you guys to know kind

[4:57]of where my head is like I just

[5:02]I mean I just think it's kind of sad

[5:04]like cuz I would much rather watch their

[5:06]old videos because they're just so

[5:08]wonderful and then the new ones are

[5:12]like so click baiting and just not

[5:17]authentic at all it's all about selling

[5:19]stuff you know and

[5:22]just it isn't the same from what I've

[5:26]seen but you know I I guess I should add

[5:28]that disclaimer there so much I haven't

[5:30]seen right I don't I mean there's

[5:32]probably thousands and thousands and

[5:34]thousands of rvers out there I've never

[5:36]even heard of yet I'm just talking about

[5:39]like the ones that just seem to always

[5:41]come up in my feed you

[5:44]know it's just sad cuz they seem like

[5:47]really awesome

[5:49]people

[5:51]but yeah guys don't hate me for this

[5:54]that's just how I feel it really is

[5:56]though I'm just going to be honest about

[5:58]it um I think it's also important to say

[6:00]I'm not trying to join any kind of

[6:02]community like that's why I did this I

[6:05]genuinely started my

[6:07]adventure not knowing that there was one

[6:10]like I did this for me I did this

[6:12]because I needed a change in my

[6:14]life a big change and I wanted to get

[6:17]closer to Nature and I just wanted to

[6:19]live a different kind of life I I just I

[6:23]needed to get like I just needed it and

[6:26]I can't

[6:28]like let me think about this for a

[6:30]second it goes back to my first video

[6:33]okay like I genuinely started my channel

[6:36]because I wanted others to know that it

[6:38]was okay to be afraid because I was

[6:41]terrified and I could not find anybody

[6:43]talking about that and I'm still scared

[6:46]I I am still scared and that's why I'm

[6:49]still

[6:50]posting you know I don't know how long I

[6:53]will do this for you guys need to know

[6:54]that like I'm not going to do this

[6:56]forever I'm just

[6:58]not I already tried to quit once so um I

[7:03]don't want to hurt anybody's feelings it

[7:04]seems like some people genuinely care

[7:06]about me which is I don't even know what

[7:08]to think about that

[7:10]honestly um it's very

[7:13]heartfelt I

[7:15]just I guess I'm surprised I mean you

[7:18]now heard some of my story is very hard

[7:20]for me

[7:22]to

[7:23][Music]

[7:25]imagine and I don't know why but it just

[7:27]is it's hard for me to imagine anybody

[7:29]caring about

[7:31]me I am so winging the skies like I'm

[7:35]I'm so scared right now that I'm

[7:37]thinking

[7:38]tomorrow that I'm just going to hook my

[7:40]Jeep up just to make sure that I I can

[7:43]like make sure that I have all the stuff

[7:46]I need to do it cuz I had taken it to my

[7:47]house for a little while like like I

[7:50]just have so many thoughts going through

[7:51]my head about this like cuz I have to be

[7:53]ready to go like I'm not allowed to be

[7:55]here after a certain time and

[7:57]then I don't even know like I I just

[8:00]have to like tomorrow I have

[8:04]to can I find out when I can check in at

[8:07]that other place see if they'll let me

[8:08]check in early if that's even possible

[8:10]cuz like where will I go I don't know

[8:12]what to do with this camper except like

[8:15]like take it to a campground I I'm just

[8:18]I do not have the

[8:21]experience it's remarkable to me that I

[8:24]somehow managed to do this by the way

[8:27]like this is where I live with my two

[8:30]cats like that is not a scenario that

[8:34]ever entered my head until like a month

[8:36]ago so it's just like and here I am like

[8:40]I just did it I just it was somewhat

[8:44]impulsive I just needed a change that

[8:46]bad like I just really needed a change

[8:50]in my life and it had to be something

[8:52]like this it had to be profound it had

[8:55]to be

[8:57]dramatic and that's also why I'm going

[8:59]to Nevada that's and that's why I'm

[9:01]planning my trip to Nevada the way I am

[9:03]like I

[9:05]just I don't know what I'm doing it's

[9:08]like something is pushing me it's not me

[9:12]that's doing I cannot explain this to

[9:14]you I don't even know if I should try

[9:15]because it'll just sound

[9:18]weird it's like there's this impulse

[9:21]there's

[9:23]this energy something that's just

[9:25]drawing me there and I don't feel fully

[9:29]control of

[9:31]it um that definitely sounds weird I am

[9:34]not a spiritual person I used to be for

[9:37]a lot of my life I was and then I

[9:39]watched something I was already in the

[9:42]process of kind of losing all of that

[9:46]but I watched something called letting

[9:48]go of God um I'm so sad

[9:52]that I think Julia Sweeney look it up on

[9:56]YouTube that thing made me agnostic just

[9:59]just by watching it it is that

[10:01]good

[10:05]um you got to understand

[10:10]I I remember one time just yelling up at

[10:14]this guy at God asking why he made me

[10:17]gay because I hated myself that

[10:19]much

[10:21]like I just I cried myself to sleep

[10:25]every night as a teenager praying to God

[10:27]to make me straight in the morning

[10:29]morning and it never happened so like

[10:31]the

[10:32]first I came out to a church before I

[10:36]did anybody else and they told me that I

[10:38]could be straight if I wanted to be they

[10:41]told that to a

[10:43]15-year-old um I'm not a big fan of

[10:46]religion I'll tell you that much and I'm

[10:48]not really into spirituality but there's

[10:50]like

[10:52]something compelling me that's the word

[10:54]I want to use it's just I feel compelled

[10:56]right

[10:57]now you know it's not it's not a

[11:00]spiritual thing it's not energy like I

[11:02]was saying it's just I feel I feel

[11:04]compelled to do this I feel

[11:07]compelled and I think that this YouTube

[11:09]channel is way more for myself than it

[11:11]is for anyone else like I watch my own

[11:14]videos I watch them over and over

[11:16]somehow it is giving me

[11:18]strength and that's why I'm doing it

[11:21]like I'm doing it for me I I am so

[11:24]terrified guys I am just terrified

[11:30]and excited and just so many emotions

[11:34]but this is

[11:36]really I don't know I I don't know if

[11:39]everybody feels this way like I truly

[11:41]don't know like maybe they do but don't

[11:44]talk about it I don't

[11:45]know I suspect probably not I think most

[11:50]people probably just do this and are

[11:52]fine like for me it is not like that you

[11:56]know I'm really proud of myself though

[11:59]I cut myself free of everything that was

[12:01]holding me back and did

[12:06]this I don't regret it I truly don't

[12:09]regret it it's just really scarying like

[12:12]it's

[12:13]just because it's it's fear of the

[12:15]unknown at this point it's just fear of

[12:17]the unknown I I you know I have to do

[12:19]everything I'm doing I have to do on my

[12:21]own and it feels

[12:23]hard like you know one of my stabilizers

[12:27]won't come down

[12:29]and then I started thinking what if the

[12:31]other one doesn't come up tomorrow like

[12:34]like what do I do then right

[12:38]just and I don't like my tires the tires

[12:40]are like 8 years old and I need to

[12:42]replace them and I have got to figure

[12:44]out where to do that like I obviously a

[12:46]tire shop right but

[12:50]um I'm going to have to take it there

[12:52]right and just this is really hard for

[12:56]me um

[13:02]that's why I post these videos CU I'm

[13:05]doing it despite all of that and I I

[13:09]hope that inspires someone else who

[13:12]feels like me someday like I don't even

[13:15]know that it is today like maybe someday

[13:17]somebody sees my videos who who needs to

[13:20]see them right

[13:22]and it's just that whole Pay It Forward

[13:25]thing that I have like I just

[13:31]I don't know guys I I'm probably not

[13:33]making a lot of sense it is very late

[13:35]I'm tired but I can't

[13:37]sleep I'm grateful I'm truly grateful

[13:41]that people are actually watching me and

[13:44]and interacting with me on here

[13:48]like I really enjoy like the people that

[13:51]I've been talking to

[13:54]um I'm not trying to grow an audience

[13:57]here though I I just need this to be

[13:59]clear

[14:01]because I don't I don't want to grow an

[14:04]audience I want to stay small like

[14:06]forever like forever I never want a big

[14:09]crowd on

[14:11]here I I want to get to know the people

[14:16]that I just want to know the people that

[14:19]that are watching me like to me it can't

[14:22]be one-sided I I don't like that I don't

[14:25]work that way um and I've been thinking

[14:28]a lot about like how to fix that

[14:32]because that's just how YouTube is set

[14:34]up and like there's all kinds of social

[14:36]media out there it just I'm just not

[14:39]sure

[14:41]where where you know I tried the Discord

[14:44]thing that didn't work like Twitter's

[14:46]gone to trash right Facebook is just

[14:49]ridiculous these

[14:51]days um I mean what is there there

[14:54]there's nothing like so I just I don't

[14:56]know

[15:00]I'm

[15:02]just I'm still lost guys I'm still very

[15:05]lost and I'm still trying to find out

[15:09]like figure out

[15:11]find I don't want I keep wanting it's

[15:13]like I'm trying to say find myself but I

[15:15]don't think that's right it's more like

[15:18]find my place I haven't found it

[15:22]yet and that's why I'm in this RV cuz

[15:25]I'm looking for it

[15:30]and I hope I find it I truly do

Summary

rswfire records at 4 minutes to midnight on day 14 of RV living, unable to sleep due to anxiety about moving camps the next day. He shares practical concerns about checkout/checkin timing, propane refilling, and RV maintenance issues including a stuck stabilizer and 8-year-old tires needing replacement.

He discusses his reluctance to grow his YouTube channel after receiving both positive attention and trolls from a mention by another YouTuber named Carolyn. He expresses strong preference for maintaining a small, personal channel and criticizes how popular RV YouTubers have become less authentic over time.

rswfire reflects on his motivations for starting the RV journey - needing profound change in his life and wanting to get closer to nature. He describes feeling "compelled" to go to Nevada, though he's not spiritual. He shares personal history about struggling with being gay in a religious context as a teenager.

Throughout the transmission, he emphasizes doing this journey for himself rather than for audience growth, watching his own videos for strength, and hoping to inspire others who feel afraid like he does. His two cats Bailey and Oliver are present on the bed with him in the uncomfortable RV sleeping situation.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission operates as a real-time calibration system under acute transition pressure. The field is simultaneously holding terror and compulsion, using vulnerability as structural integrity rather than weakness, while establishing clear boundaries against institutional capture patterns.

Dominant Language

compelledterrifiedauthenticchangealonesmall foreverfind my place

Symbolic Elements

thresholdcompulsionmirroredge

Ontological States

•
transitional
•
sovereign
•
vulnerable
•
compelled

Subsystems

•
somatic
•
emotional
•
ethical
•
relational

Transmission Details

Source Type

local

Video Quality

1920 × 1080 @ 60fps

Duration

15:34

Bitrate

2483 kbps

Codec

avc1.64002a