Traveling with Cats to Nevada Campgrounds

The speaker is driving from their family home to their RV location, transporting cats and belongings. They are in a contemplative state following Pride, preparing for an extended journey to Nevada with planned stops at various campgrounds. The drive takes place in the evening with moonlight visible.

Energetic Signature

turbulent integration

Field State

threshold crossing

Orientation

away from paternal capture toward sovereign mobility

01HW5SWAJG59CYPSX2KNX4SEJZ

April 23, 2024

46:56

View on YouTube

Author

rswfire

Status

ARCHIVED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:00]guys want to hear a funny story every

[0:03]time uh I was leaving this park like I

[0:05]am now I would see this other RV that

[0:08]looked exactly like mine and thought wow

[0:10]how cool is that like mine must be a

[0:12]popular model right well turns out it

[0:16]was mine I'd been looking at mine the

[0:18]whole time I didn't even know

[0:23]turn hi friends so I got an hour to

[0:28]go oh it's been a very contemplative

[0:31]Pride for me mostly just about my family

[0:34]it's always been very toxic and I just

[0:37]don't know how to handle them like I

[0:38]don't know how to talk to them and

[0:40]explain to them what I

[0:41]need how to set boundaries with them how

[0:44]to talk to them cuz we never had a

[0:48]healthy conversation in our

[0:51]lives and I just want to move on and

[0:55]live my life kind of free of all of that

[0:58]I don't even want like

[1:01]I just part of me just wants to just cut

[1:04]off communication from

[1:06]them I love my mom I'm not talking about

[1:10]her am talking about my other parent

[1:14]though um he's been very kind and

[1:17]helpful you know to some extent but it

[1:21]doesn't make up for a lifetime of

[1:25]abuse and I just every time I have to go

[1:29]to this house it

[1:31]just there is so much ink strapped up in

[1:34]me every time I had to go to this house

[1:35]I hate going here every time he texts me

[1:39]like I

[1:40]just I just

[1:44]can't is that really what I was planning

[1:46]to talk about

[1:47]though

[1:49]um so I woke up real scared this morning

[1:53]when I got um cuz I've done it I've I've

[1:57]started

[1:58]booking camg crowns

[2:01]um for my

[2:02]R to

[2:05]Nevada I I am excited about that I

[2:09]think it's almost like a spiritual

[2:11]journey for me I think there is

[2:13]something there for me that I need to

[2:15]just be there

[2:17]for

[2:19]so I'm so new to this life that I just

[2:23]I'm trying to be cautious so I basically

[2:25]booked like like I'd Drive about 200

[2:28]miles and then i' book up you

[2:31]know something that basically you can

[2:33]book on recreation.gov I'm not trying to

[2:35]stay at other kind of campgrounds yet so

[2:38]basically something

[2:41]National

[2:42]and usually for two days two nights um

[2:47]just so that I put a rest day in there

[2:50]in between each day that I'm traveling

[2:53]just because I don't know what to expect

[2:55]yet I just don't

[2:56]know um one time I had to book it for

[2:59]three nights because it ended on a

[3:00]weekend and they wouldn't let you they

[3:03]made they made you book the whole

[3:04]weekend but that was

[3:07]interesting and you know I booked like

[3:09]five places so far and that got me to

[3:11]somewhere in Missouri I

[3:13]think um I don't know if I'll keep doing

[3:15]it

[3:17]because I kind of want to find out how

[3:19]far can I travel every day if I was just

[3:21]driving my

[3:22]Jeep I could travel all day long and

[3:25]that's what I would do when I drove to

[3:26]Phoenix especially like on my way back I

[3:29]I well on the way there I did it in 3

[3:32]days on the way back I did it in two and

[3:35]that was over 2,000

[3:39]mil but I'm sure I can't do that in a

[3:43]camper just I don't know it's 200 mil

[3:47]enough or not enough so I just got to

[3:49]find

[3:50]out and then and then maybe keep looking

[3:54]my my way there I think that I'll end up

[3:56]there

[3:58]sometime in like the thir week of

[4:01]May so obviously this means I'm not

[4:03]getting my dental work done I really

[4:05]wanted to partly because I just think

[4:07]I'd look a lot better on camera but

[4:09]that's not a good reason so I am who I

[4:13]am I just red my teeth from out and Dew

[4:16]I'm you know that that's who I am that's

[4:19]what I did to

[4:21]myself and I just don't want to spend

[4:24]the money it would be risky right now

[4:27]for me to do that $10,000 that's a a lot

[4:29]of

[4:31]money so I'm just just going to go

[4:36]and once I've been there and I've

[4:39]experienced the place I'll figure out

[4:41]from there what I'll do next at some

[4:43]point I think I'll have to come back

[4:44]here and finish up my not to work I

[4:47]would like to I mean everybody would

[4:48]like to have teeth right I can't eat

[4:51]steak

[4:53]um you can eat a lot of things you'd be

[4:56]surprised what you can eat but there are

[4:57]some things you can't and not everything

[4:59]is easy that's for

[5:02]sure ah this guy didn't go around me I'm

[5:04]trying to be so polite but okay you lost

[5:08]your chance

[5:09]dude

[5:13]so yeah just feeling contemplative like

[5:16]I was saying I woke

[5:18]up afraid but not now I don't know why

[5:22]that happens it happened before I got my

[5:24]camper too and you know before I left

[5:28]but I'll get a over that like like

[5:31]everything

[5:33]else um there's something else I've been

[5:35]contemplating talking about I'm not sure

[5:37]if I

[5:39]should it's a little bit

[5:42]dark

[5:45]and I'm honestly not sure if I even can

[5:48]talk about it on

[5:50]here so I'm going to just say this

[5:57]much I can't believe I lost L my

[6:00]journals like I'm grieving that

[6:04]actually like part of me almost wants to

[6:07]cry about

[6:08]it that was a long period of my life I

[6:11]wanted to sit down and read those one

[6:13]day I'll never be able to

[6:20]now and I just I don't know what I'm

[6:22]doing anymore like I

[6:24]just feel so lost in this world I always

[6:27]have but

[6:33]I just don't know where my place in this

[6:35]universe is I have really really

[6:37]struggled with that I don't know I'm

[6:40]just I guess I feel old I feel worn out

[6:42]I feel

[6:45]like I feel like my story is ending I

[6:49]don't mean to depress you guys I'm sorry

[6:51]for that if I

[6:52]am I

[6:55]just want to have as good a life as I

[6:58]can until it's over whenever that is cuz

[7:00]I don't know when that is and I just

[7:03]I've said this before it's like I don't

[7:05]know if I'm at the middle of my life or

[7:07]if I'm at the

[7:09]end cuz I've been smoking you know since

[7:11]I was like

[7:15]16 I have to quit cuz I'm at the point

[7:19]where it's definitely harming me like I

[7:23]don't have the energy I used

[7:26]to I don't eat healthy at all still

[7:29]drinking Mountain do like all these

[7:31]things they're

[7:33]just they're just killing me and I have

[7:37]to change or this probably is the end of

[7:40]my

[7:43]story I don't want it to

[7:46]be you know I really

[7:49]don't I guess I just feel sad

[7:52]today I'm not sure why I just

[7:55]do so I missed my cats the first day

[7:59]that they were not with me but I didn't

[8:01]miss them after that so much except when

[8:04]I was in laying in bed and I kept like I

[8:07]you know cuz I'm going through a drve I

[8:09]I'm like not very comfortable sleeping

[8:12]right now and anytime I'd move around I

[8:14]would expect my cats to be there and I'm

[8:17]always like thinking

[8:19]about them being in the bed with me so

[8:21]you know to not disturb

[8:23]them it happened a bunch of

[8:27]times bear with me I'm driving through a

[8:30]town

[8:32]now um it's my

[8:36]journals that's why I'm sad it's just

[8:38]such a stark reminder of how much I've

[8:42]changed my life

[8:46]irrevocably um I think that's why even

[8:51]though you know that's not 100%

[8:54]true I can always make new choices and I

[8:57]tell myself that this doesn't have to be

[8:58]forever I

[9:01]can you know I can make new choices if I

[9:04]need

[9:04]to you know I don't know if that's

[9:07]always true either like life is not

[9:11]always that good to

[9:15]you Mom is texting

[9:18]me how bet my packages are

[9:21]there that's good news I

[9:25]bet um

[9:30]I don't know I'll get over it guys just

[9:32]having a

[9:41]moment you feel like

[9:45]that pretty soon I

[9:48]will have my cats in this car in this

[9:52]vehicle I'm going to try something new

[9:55]I'm going to let them out of their

[9:57]carriers they'll probably stay in them

[10:00]but if they're just open I think maybe

[10:02]that'll just be more calm I

[10:05]hope I'm

[10:14]hoping I love my cats but they are true

[10:18]terrorists like they are so much work

[10:20]all the

[10:21]time and I just don't

[10:24]know how I'm going to manage having them

[10:28]with me on this stream

[10:30]Journey but I have to try I have to

[10:33]they're my they're my cats they're my

[10:36]life they're one part of my life I

[10:39]wouldn't want to give

[10:40]up as terrible as they can be cats are

[10:44]amazing guys they really are I've had

[10:47]cats my whole life never really had a

[10:50]dog thought about

[10:53]it

[10:55]um but boy they seem like even more work

[10:58]really

[10:59]and yet it would be different dogs are

[11:02]different my house and it's getting

[11:05]pretty empty I'm going to show you

[11:07]around just wanted to say um in some

[11:10]ways it's hard to believe I gave all

[11:12]this up but I I was very comfortable

[11:15]here I could have stayed here and

[11:17]remained comfortable but Comfort felt

[11:19]like stagnation and I just had to I had

[11:22]to

[11:23]leave so I'm not regretting this but it

[11:26]is surreal front door

[11:29]living room basically empty

[11:32]now well it is

[11:36]empty

[11:41]kitchen

[11:43]hallway we've had many chats down this

[11:45]hallway haven't

[11:47]we bathroom cat's room mostly those are

[11:52]just boxes that I got to throw

[11:54]out my mom's room/ guest room

[11:59]my

[12:01]room um that stuff still has to come

[12:03]with me somehow at least most of it does

[12:06]I need to look through a little bit but

[12:08]yeah basically it all needs to go

[12:10]somehow I have some insulating

[12:13]insulating I still need to

[12:16]do um you know hopefully I can sell

[12:19]those one day my mom will hold on to

[12:22]them and then if we head this

[12:25]way get to my office it was a beautiful

[12:28]office

[12:30]this it's pretty empty I

[12:33]think

[12:36]yeah so this was my

[12:38]life 3 and 1/2 years in this

[12:44]house my mom did a really nice job

[12:46]cleaning it she did that Sunday I wasn't

[12:51]here

[12:55]um yeah

[13:01]it was a good life

[13:03]here I had a good life here I

[13:06]did now I have a different life man I

[13:10]think it's a little more exciting so I

[13:13]can't really regret all that just you

[13:16]know I wish I had more space really

[13:19]do but I will make do with my cats we

[13:22]will make do and then one day hopefully

[13:24]we can just upgrade to something a

[13:26]little longer to get more comfortable

[13:28]driving those things and it's a couple

[13:30]years from now and I don't need to do it

[13:32]anytime

[13:33]soon um it is a small space I think for

[13:36]me and two cats but just that's just how

[13:39]I feel I think other

[13:41]people could do it you know I mean I can

[13:44]do it I'm going to do it I am doing it

[13:49]so

[13:53]yeah this is where it all started so I'm

[13:56]in my parents car that I got for them

[13:58]some time ago cuz I need had to bring my

[14:01]cats and a bunch of stuff I'm going to

[14:03]let them Room free in here I'm hoping

[14:05]that'll work out I'm just going to sit

[14:06]here for a few minutes and hope that

[14:08]they figure out what they want to do cuz

[14:12]they love to torture me on the

[14:14]drive okay that will definitely not work

[14:17]Oliver what about you

[14:22]Bailey I mean you really should be in

[14:24]your carrier dude it's open but you

[14:26]should still be in it

[14:31]really I don't know that that'll work

[14:33]Oliver maybe in the camper but here I

[14:36]don't

[14:38]know what

[14:42]El all right let's figure this out okay

[14:45]guys cuz I'm trying to give you some

[14:47]Freedom here but you also have to be

[14:49]safe I have to be

[14:50][Music]

[14:52]safe okay I'm taking some advice from

[14:56]YouTube guys I know some of you I know

[14:58]some of you you will want to complain I

[15:00]don't care all right don't even bother

[15:02]cuz this is what I'm

[15:03]doing um you don't have to agree with

[15:06]all my decisions these are my cats I'll

[15:09]decide what's best for them sorry if

[15:11]that sounds rude but I just know how cat

[15:13]owners

[15:14]are

[15:17]um this is just something we're trying

[15:20]if I don't think it's safe I will stop

[15:21]and I will do something about it but you

[15:24]know these cats don't like being locked

[15:25]up and we have a 3-hour drive and it's

[15:27]going to be nighttime by by the time we

[15:29]get there I'm just going to sit here for

[15:31]a few minutes and wait for them

[15:34]to um you know decide where they want to

[15:36]be and then we'll

[15:40]go yeah it's looking like Bailey wants

[15:43]to just chill my coats right there so

[15:45]he's just kind of chilling on it but

[15:46]I'll sit down on it once we start going

[15:49]oh we're still exploring and he sneezes

[15:51]I think it's a light thing honestly I

[15:53]think he sneezes where there's light he

[15:55]always does it in a window Tour on like

[15:57]the TV screen it's weird there must like

[16:01]there's got to be a

[16:03]correlation all right guys figure out

[16:05]where you want to be okay because we're

[16:06]going to move

[16:08]soon I think what I'll do is I'll just

[16:10]back up a little bit and then stop you

[16:12]know just back out in the drive a little

[16:13]bit and then just stop and see how they

[16:15]react to that so far this is not working

[16:17]great

[16:18]cuz I'm just looking out the windows and

[16:21]not sitting somewhere where I think

[16:23]they'd be safe

[16:24]so Oliver I really want you to sit down

[16:27]come here Oliver

[16:29]these cats haven't seen me for two days

[16:31]either so they're really disobedient

[16:33]right now very

[16:35]unruly

[16:36]Bailey are you guys going to chill for

[16:39]me cuz I'm going to need that come here

[16:41]Oliver come here

[16:43]Oliver somebody come up here all right

[16:45]one of you one of you come up here okay

[16:48]thank you Bailey guys you can't be

[16:52]roaming around like this I let you out

[16:55]but you've got to chill somewhere okay

[17:02]oh yeah that's not going to work dude

[17:05]come on up here Oliver Oliver come come

[17:10]here Oliver Oliver let go Oliver iiver

[17:17]come on let go right

[17:19]here would you guys you guys are you

[17:22]guys are so much work man you always are

[17:25]and I don't want you up there not here

[17:27]you're going to get us in trouble okay

[17:28]okay seriously hey hey be

[17:33]nice it's

[17:37]okay oh guys I am going to put you back

[17:40]in the cages I will do it Oliver I have

[17:43]never seen him act like that well except

[17:45]lately it's

[17:46]weird Bailey come over here all right

[17:49]come on over here come here come

[17:56]here oh my God just you guys are very

[18:00]impossible come on over here Bailey come

[18:04]on sit there sit there

[18:08]please no no sit

[18:12]down Oliver you're ridiculous

[18:21]man okay I admit this is not my best

[18:23]idea ever

[18:29]can you imagine trying to get them back

[18:30]in their

[18:34]cages guys we're leaving all right just

[18:37]going to go for a short drive and see

[18:39]how that goes and then um if they

[18:42]haven't settled down by then they're

[18:43]going back in the cages now that is more

[18:46]like

[18:46]it cats are doing pretty good over there

[18:50]very pleased with that site this might

[18:52]actually work

[18:54]out we're doing really well Oliver is

[18:57]just kind of sitting on the Bailey's cat

[18:59]carrier and just watching everything

[19:01]which is so cool I I knew that he would

[19:04]just love it that he would love to just

[19:06]see the scenery as we drive so I really

[19:09]believe that in the camper

[19:11]he is just going to have a BL Bailey's

[19:16]different as long as he's chill and he

[19:18]is right now then we'll be

[19:20]fine I'm so glad things are going so

[19:23]well so you um you know I need driving

[19:26]directions where I'm going so you'll

[19:27]probably hear that go off everyone once

[19:28]in a while since I'm not in my Jeep I

[19:30]don't

[19:31]have you know my integrated display I'm

[19:35]using my

[19:36]phone but anyways I just want to talk to

[19:38]you about some stuff

[19:42]guys um so you've seen my dad he's been

[19:46]on on my videos and you've seen him be

[19:48]helpful but you don't really know this

[19:50]man and I just I'm sorry for being so

[19:53]personal but I want to talk about this

[19:55]so I want you guys to understand me

[19:57]better and to understand me better you

[19:59]need to know what kind of father I have

[20:02]and how I was raised by

[20:05]him so I'm

[20:08]driving my vehicle right now this car is

[20:10]mine it's in my name it's titled to me I

[20:13]bought it I bought it for my

[20:16]mother but um I gave them the title so

[20:20]they can change it over before I leave I

[20:22]needed to borrow it today because the

[20:24]cat cares take up a lot of space and I

[20:26]have a bunch of stuff that I wanted to

[20:28]take with for me today so I've got like

[20:30]a new cat tower for my cats I got a

[20:32]bunch of stuff of petmart for

[20:35]them and um I got my own stuff that you

[20:38]know I needed to help make the place

[20:40]safe before we start traveling

[20:42]again and my dad just has this tendency

[20:44]of just being totally negative like to

[20:49]anything that that like comes up so when

[20:52]my mom tells him I need to borrow the

[20:54]car my car by the way you can just hear

[20:57]him being super negative and abrasive to

[21:00]her and it's like

[21:02]why just I don't get it like that's his

[21:06]initial reaction to everything is just

[21:09]to

[21:10]be negative and I picked that up from

[21:13]him and I work very hard not to be like

[21:16]that but that's like nothing compared to

[21:19]what it was like growing up with this

[21:21]man

[21:23]so I I like I already said this once it

[21:26]was like growing up with an alcoholic

[21:28]who doesn't drink I spend all of my time

[21:32]when I'm around all the way up into my

[21:33]late 30s because there was a couple of

[21:35]times when I've had to live with them um

[21:39]and I'll get into why at some point but

[21:41]basically they moved in with me and

[21:43]completely derailed my life I ended up

[21:45]losing my house had to move in with them

[21:46]in my late

[21:47]30s and guys don't fight

[21:51]okay and

[21:53]um even in my late 30s it was like the

[21:56]same patterns I was constantly

[21:58]monitoring my behavior

[22:01]and his reaction to it every time I left

[22:05]my room I basically lived in my bedroom

[22:07]because I didn't want to bother the guy

[22:09]you know he has spent the last like 15

[22:13]years sitting on a couch doing nothing

[22:15]with his life by the way and so I come

[22:17]out of my bedroom and I'll walk into the

[22:20]living room and I'll look at him just to

[22:21]see what kind of mood he's in and I've

[22:23]been doing that since I was a

[22:24]child it is no way for a kid to live to

[22:27]have to sit there and monitor how their

[22:30]parent will react to them will he be

[22:33]nice will he be mean like it was a house

[22:37]filled

[22:38]with just terrible memories just

[22:43]constantly having to deal with someone

[22:45]like that is very hard and it made me

[22:49]super judgmental of

[22:50]myself it destroyed my

[22:55]self-confidence it was bad and I even in

[22:58]my in a quarter mile use the left two

[23:00]lanes to turn left to stay on Kentucky

[23:02]34 West

[23:04]guys so I'm going to give you a couple

[23:06]of exles of how this is still a problem

[23:09]so I had asked him to stop watching my

[23:12]channel

[23:13]because first of all it kind of feels

[23:15]like he's reading my diary in a sense

[23:18]use the left two lanes to turn left to

[23:20]stay on Kentucky 34 West and I don't I

[23:23]don't mind that part so much even though

[23:24]I don't want him in my life like that

[23:26]like cuz we're not close um as long as

[23:29]I'm not hearing about it from him I

[23:31]don't really care I can't decide what

[23:33]he's going to watch right um but he's

[23:36]constantly commenting on it every time I

[23:39]see him or he'll text me like everything

[23:42]I'm doing he's commenting on and giving

[23:43]his advice and it's just often bad

[23:47]advice but more than that um continue on

[23:51]Kentucky 34 West for one and a half

[23:53]miles right and the very next day he

[23:56]texted me and he told me where to go and

[23:58]drain my tanks because he knew that my

[24:01]tanks were full now there I have two

[24:04]problems with that one he's not

[24:07]respecting a boundary I'm trying to S

[24:09]with him and two he's basically telling

[24:12]me that I'm too dumb to figure out how

[24:14]to do that myself like I can't figure

[24:16]out how to drain my tanks like I I can't

[24:19]figure that out I I don't I'm not I'm

[24:22]not bragging but I have an IQ of 140

[24:25]like this guy has been treating me like

[24:27]a dum child since I was a kid and I'm

[24:31]just so tired of it I have been judged

[24:34]by him my whole life even when he's

[24:36]being nice he's not really being nice

[24:39]he's just another example I asked him to

[24:43]come with me to the campground that

[24:44]first time because I really wanted to

[24:46]have someone in that passenger seat with

[24:49]me and he was the only one that I could

[24:53]ask like if I could have asked the devil

[24:55]I would have like that's how I kind of

[24:57]think of him

[24:59]and we're hooking up my

[25:02]Jeep and I'm telling him so once the

[25:04]drive shaft disconnected I have a manual

[25:07]transmission it needs to be in first

[25:08]gear he's like you're going to tear up

[25:10]your engine blah blah blah just going

[25:13]off on me and I'm like dude I'm not

[25:15]wrong about this so I have to pull out

[25:18]the manual and prove it to him and it's

[25:21]like he just never listens to me he he

[25:24]doesn't believe anything I tell him he

[25:26]he said well I just wanted to make sure

[25:28]you read it right I mean what this is

[25:32]the man that raised me and he used to

[25:35]sit me down in the living room and just

[25:38]sit there and just tell me why in a qu

[25:41]mile turn left onto Wilderness Road for

[25:43]hours and it was horrible and I hated it

[25:47]so much that there were times that I was

[25:49]homeless by choice I would just leave I

[25:51]didn't want to deal with

[25:54]him it's just like guys I mean this is

[25:58]just touching the surface of this man it

[26:01]was bad turn left onto Wilderness Road I

[26:04]just don't know

[26:06]like I just don't know

[26:11]how sorry in a quarter mile turn right

[26:14]on East Main

[26:16]Street

[26:20]um I just I can't have this man in my

[26:23]life he makes me miserable every time I

[26:26]have to drive to his house I just

[26:30]it's just the most depressing thing I

[26:32]just absolutely hate having to do it I

[26:34]hate being around

[26:36]him um he's just not nice he he seems to

[26:41]think he's changed at 70 but he has not

[26:43]changed not really and I watched at the

[26:46]light turn right on East Main Street you

[26:49]know my whole life um I just felt so bad

[26:53]for her because she could have had such

[26:55]a better life she kept choosing this man

[26:59]who was in a quarter mile turn left onto

[27:01]South Fourth Street I just think it's

[27:03]sad um she had a rough childhood and I

[27:06]understand why I mean for her it was

[27:08]stability Comfort all that kind of

[27:11]stuff that's just I always wish that she

[27:15]could have been a little bit more Brave

[27:16]I would have had a better life she would

[27:18]have had a better life my brother would

[27:19]have had a better life we're all screwed

[27:21]up because of this man all of

[27:25]us and so I just want to get away from

[27:27]him I don't even you know I love him

[27:31]there are times when I want to talk to

[27:33]him not often but sometimes maybe

[27:35]there's something I want to talk to him

[27:37]about I wish he would just let me

[27:39]initiate the contact and leave it at

[27:42]that but he doesn't he he just keeps

[27:47]pushing me and I I just I am so close to

[27:50]the point of breaking off contact not

[27:53]just with him but with my mother because

[27:54]you can't separate the two you just

[27:56]can't and if that happens

[28:00]I mean I don't know who do I blame

[28:02]myself or

[28:03]him because I have got to do what's

[28:06]healthy for me and what's healthy for me

[28:09]is being very far away from the

[28:12]sky I know a lot of people have have

[28:15]father issues that's you know I don't

[28:18]know if it's an American thing a

[28:19]worldwide thing what but it's a common

[28:24]thing but man I I just keep

[28:29]my life should have I should have

[28:30]flourished and I didn't

[28:33]because of all the crap he put me

[28:36]through the times I was homeless just

[28:38]the emotional abuse at the light turn

[28:40]left onto South Fourth Street so much

[28:43]you know emotional abuse and

[28:46]manipulation my whole

[28:48]life and I watched him do it to

[28:51]everybody everybody but especially me he

[28:54]had a continue on South Fourth Street

[28:56]for one mile for just uring me

[29:00]mentally and you don't just get over

[29:02]that you don't get over that because he

[29:04]helped you do a couple things with your

[29:05]camper and he thinks he's just a great

[29:08]guy now or

[29:09]something it's just I'm trying to I

[29:13]don't know that I'm explaining this real

[29:15]well in my head I was thinking about

[29:17]what I'd say and this is what's coming

[29:20]out guys I just I

[29:24]wish honest to God I wish I had been

[29:26]raised by somebody else I really

[29:29]do um I will

[29:34]never he robbed me of a good

[29:39]life and he keeps doing it so I said in

[29:44]a video one day that I know the day I

[29:48]said this in my video and the video is

[29:50]some titled something like saying

[29:51]goodbye to my old life I know the day

[29:53]that my life got derailed and it's the

[29:55]day he moved into my house when I was

[29:57]like not sure what age I

[30:00]was

[30:01]um I mean I had to be in my 30s I guess

[30:05]parents were living in Michigan I was

[30:06]living in

[30:07]Kentucky

[30:09]and one day my mom just wrote this

[30:12]message on my Facebook in a quar mile

[30:14]continue on to us 127 South houstonville

[30:17]Road my mom writes this message on my

[30:20]Facebook that says please save me

[30:23]LOL

[30:25]and basically she's just saying I want

[30:28]to live with you and she's my mother I

[30:30]love her to death I'll do anything for

[30:31]her have my whole

[30:33]life

[30:35]and so they move in with me but what she

[30:38]wasn't thinking about was that she was

[30:40]putting the darkest possible soul on

[30:43]Earth in my house with me and it

[30:46]derailed my life

[30:48]completely to the point I lost my house

[30:51]lost my job cuz that man there's no one

[30:54]on this planet who continue on us 7

[30:58]South for 47 miles it just sucks the

[31:00]happiness right out of

[31:04]me and I had to move in with them and

[31:06]then for like the next 6 years 5 years 6

[31:09]years I don't know I'm in this house

[31:11]with him just feeling tortured every

[31:14]single

[31:16]day and I

[31:20]just I am so tired of it I I'm not

[31:25]like I the thing is

[31:28]my mom has a hereditary condition a

[31:30]kidney disease and they thought she

[31:32]would have died decades ago I did

[31:35]everything in my power to make sure I

[31:36]was always close to

[31:38]her

[31:40]and that meant putting up with my dad

[31:43]and I think now I made a mistake that I

[31:45]should never have done that I I didn't

[31:48]live for myself I lived for her and it's

[31:52]sad because she's probably nearing the

[31:54]end of her life now and it is going to

[31:56]destroy me when that happens guys it is

[31:58]going to destroy

[32:00]me but I had to do something for myself

[32:03]this

[32:05]time and you know she kept choosing him

[32:08]those were her

[32:09]choices and I kept choosing her and

[32:12]those were my

[32:16]choices family Dynamics they

[32:19]suck this is really awesome to see

[32:21]Bailey was looking out the windows but

[32:23]now he's just chilling up there but he

[32:24]was he was looking out the windows like

[32:26]cing around on the just like Oliver was

[32:29]this is going to work out I he was so

[32:31]happy I was worried but I think this is

[32:35]going to work out I mean imagine our

[32:37]trip to Nevada like it's going to be so

[32:39]cool with my cats Bailey you're so

[32:41]pretty dude you're so

[32:45]pretty so this is how how completely he

[32:49]derailed my life at the time I was

[32:51]running my alliance in Eve online and

[32:54]like over a thousand people were foll

[32:56]were a part of my group like I was there

[32:58]leader you know I had built this

[33:00]enormous Community online I had friends

[33:03]things were going great I loved my life

[33:05]I had a good

[33:07]job I was doing everything I needed to

[33:09]to fix my teeth but then he moved into

[33:12]my house and he just

[33:14]stopped doing anything he sat on my

[33:17]couch and watched Netflix all day long

[33:20]he live I am a programmer so I use use

[33:22]the internet all the time and I'm

[33:24]playing an online game he quadr drup the

[33:29]amount of bandwidth that I was using in

[33:31]my house on a monthly basis just from

[33:33]watching Netflix cuz that's all he did

[33:36]he didn't look for a job he didn't do

[33:38]anything and it just I just it just

[33:42]really got under my

[33:44]skin

[33:47]and like I just it is so hard to explain

[33:51]like my mom

[33:52]will get real defensive and protect him

[33:57]if she thinks that

[33:59]I'm I'm trying to explain this I don't

[34:02]know how like like I had a problem with

[34:05]that and I'm trying I'm trying to

[34:07]constructively explain this to

[34:10]them but no it doesn't work that way in

[34:13]my

[34:14]family and now we're dead we never

[34:17]learned to communicate like normal

[34:19]people like I was saying he used to sit

[34:21]me down on the couch and just sit there

[34:23]and Crush my spirit for hours at a time

[34:27]like it was a game to him I will never

[34:32]understand how you could do that to your

[34:34]son I always felt like he was competing

[34:36]with me and I never understood that

[34:38]either it was

[34:40]like he couldn't just like support me

[34:43]and help me to thrive in life it was

[34:47]like he made it his goal to do the

[34:51]opposite I mean I definitely have Daddy

[34:53]Issues guys that is the source of a lot

[34:57]of my problem

[34:58]problems so you know once it became time

[35:03]and there's other stuff like I'm gay

[35:06]and you know I'm older so it's easier to

[35:09]accept now but back then people didn't

[35:12]and I knew that because I watched how my

[35:15]parents were whenever that subject came

[35:17]up and it was not good so I didn't feel

[35:20]comfortable coming out to them I hated

[35:23]myself I cried myself to sleep every

[35:25]single night and

[35:28]there would be times my mom would try to

[35:29]get me to tell her I was Kay and I would

[35:31]get so defensive it's like I'm not

[35:33]coming out to you like if you want and

[35:37]you know she would say something

[35:38]like um if you are it's okay well no

[35:42]because your behavior tell me it's not

[35:44]okay because I hear dad bashing gay

[35:46]people and you're not doing anything

[35:48]that shows me that you actually like

[35:52]accept gay people like I don't you know

[35:54]there's nothing in my life that tells me

[35:56]that that's the case so why why would I

[35:58]believe what you're telling me like I

[36:00]was not raised well I just wasn't and I

[36:04]know that's the case for millions and

[36:06]millions and millions and millions of

[36:08]people so I don't want it to sound

[36:11]like you know poor me it

[36:17]just it's just you know I just knew that

[36:21]at some point I was going to tell you

[36:22]guys these things because I'm trying to

[36:25]make this channel as authentic as I can

[36:28]and you're going to see my issues come

[36:30]up you've already seen them I have a

[36:33]really hard time talking to other people

[36:37]and I mean I do believe it's because of

[36:40]them for one thing they never taught us

[36:42]how

[36:43]to like everything is just so messed up

[36:47]in my

[36:49]head I'm trying so hard to move on from

[36:52]it all are you okay Bailey why are you

[36:55]crying buddy

[36:57]wait is that

[37:00]Oliver I can't tell sometimes I can't

[37:02]tell it's weird which one Oliver or

[37:09]Bailey I TR don't know I hope you guys

[37:12]are okay though I think you I don't know

[37:14]Oliver one hit he's probably under one

[37:15]of the

[37:17]seats okay so here's the big one when

[37:20]you throw your kid out of the house you

[37:22]are abandoning them you are rejecting

[37:25]them you are telling them that they are

[37:26]not worthy human beings being that they

[37:29]are such scum that you cannot even

[37:31]tolerate them in your

[37:33]house when you do that to your child you

[37:36]are destroying their spirit and that is

[37:38]what my parents did to me don't do it

[37:42]find another way as I'm being tailgated

[37:45]right now and I absolutely hate that and

[37:48]I just I'm going to bring this up many

[37:50]times in my videos when I'm driving

[37:51]because I'm just going to keep reminding

[37:53]everybody I get it like a lot of you are

[37:56]probably going to be the people I'm

[37:57]complaining about I'm sorry but it's

[38:00]wrong stop tailgating it's wrong you're

[38:02]not getting anywhere faster why are you

[38:05]trying to pressure other people to go

[38:06]faster I'm going the speed

[38:08]limit That's the Law you go the speed

[38:12]limit you should not R tailgating

[38:14]anybody it's unsafe if something comes

[38:17]out in front of my vehicle and I have to

[38:19]slam on the brakes you have like a

[38:21]millisecond to respond to that it is so

[38:24]dumb I don't understand why people do it

[38:26]there is no no reason why you cannot

[38:29]just obey the speed limits drive at

[38:31]reasonable distances you're not getting

[38:34]anywhere faster you're

[38:36]not everybody does it I get it but it's

[38:39]wrong and I really really hate people

[38:41]who do it I really do seriously just

[38:44]stop doing it if you're one of those

[38:46]people who does it just stop be

[38:48]considerate of other people it's not

[38:52]that hard like I don't understand why

[38:55]what happened in the world that made

[38:57]people so self-centered so self-absorbed

[39:01]that they don't think about anybody but

[39:03]themselves

[39:05]anymore that is no way to live that is

[39:08]no way for a society to function and we

[39:11]are failing because of

[39:13]it like there's no reason to tailgate me

[39:17]it's silly it's dumb you're not going to

[39:20]get me to go faster I get that you can

[39:22]definitely pressure some people into it

[39:25]but that's just rude don't you think why

[39:27]why would you do it I

[39:30]just that's one thing that really

[39:32]aggravates

[39:33]me just be polite be polite to people

[39:37]what happened to civility I'm sorry I

[39:40]sound so negative guys I'm not trying

[39:44]to I guess so this is one thing you

[39:47]might want to know about me

[39:50]um I don't have very good control over

[39:54]how I sound like my emotions will come

[39:57]out

[39:58]this like I don't know if I can explain

[40:00]it while right now Mee are you okay dude

[40:02]what are you doing back there what's

[40:05]wrong you want to come up here come on

[40:08]up here buddy come on you can do it come

[40:11]on come here baby come on come on you

[40:15]got this you got this you're a good boy

[40:19]I love you you're so cute you're so

[40:24]precious I mean you could sit on my lap

[40:27]maybe like you could try it you could

[40:30]try it thanks for the

[40:32]headbunt thank you for the headbunt you

[40:35]can do it just like but you got to lay

[40:38]down if you do

[40:40]okay just lay down if you

[40:43]do I love you

[40:46]too I love you too

[40:49]buddy I love you too you're going to go

[40:51]back there okay I understand I

[40:55]understand yeah that's a good spot up

[40:57]there though it really is yeah see that

[41:00]guy tailgating us isn't that rude I'd

[41:02]yell at him too just keep yelling at him

[41:05]maybe he'll

[41:07]stop I just love it when the moon is out

[41:10]guys it's so pretty I've always loved

[41:12]the

[41:13]moon this is nice to see Bailey's just

[41:16]chilling in the back window he meows

[41:19]sometimes but not like he used to you

[41:21]know it's just nice just I didn't expect

[41:24]him to be the exploring

[41:26]type um I think they're both going to

[41:28]like it in the camper like when we're

[41:30]driving I think I think it's going to be

[41:32]an awesome trip all the

[41:36]way I don't know why I get to Nevada

[41:39]like it's just going to be awesome we're

[41:40]going to it's just going to be so fun to

[41:42]do this with my cats I am so glad I was

[41:45]really debating it cuz I just didn't

[41:47]know if it would work

[41:50]but see I doubt myself too much I doubt

[41:53]myself all the time and if I can just

[41:56]push through my outs things usually work

[41:59]out and that's what I'm trying to do

[42:02]it's kind of like that movie I forget

[42:04]the name of it but I was like the guy

[42:05]had to say yes to everything it feels

[42:08]like that I just need to keep saying yes

[42:12]I know right

[42:14]Bailey sorry for the lighting guys we're

[42:17]almost

[42:18]there um I just wanted to talk about

[42:21]some real fast so I know some of you

[42:24]left some comments for me after my last

[42:26]video about me losing my journals I

[42:28]haven't had a chance to read them yet um

[42:30]I saw like a sentence or two and and I'm

[42:34]grateful for the nice comments cuz I

[42:36]know they were nice um I wanted you and

[42:39]one of you asked a question I just

[42:41]wanted to clear it out so I definitely

[42:43]lost my journals and I know what

[42:45]happened I kept my journals in a a black

[42:47]bag at my

[42:49]house um a very big one cuz there are a

[42:51]lot of journals there are probably like

[42:53]30 of

[42:54]them and when I went to Phoenix I needed

[42:58]that bag so I took them out of out of it

[43:00]all my journals out of that bag I put

[43:02]them somewhere went to Phoenix and my

[43:06]mom and my dad were at my house doing

[43:08]stuff there and I'm pretty sure my mom

[43:10]threw them away um it was an accident

[43:13]I'm sure she didn't

[43:15]know but they're

[43:18]gone and I

[43:21]know I mean I don't

[43:24]know like I don't know why you guys

[43:26]would say about

[43:29]that

[43:32]um I don't think I can truly express to

[43:35]you how much of a loss that is to me

[43:38]because for one thing I have a horrible

[43:40]memory I think that I block a lot of

[43:43]stuff out for my life and my journals I

[43:46]really wanted to go back and look at

[43:48]them one day and I was going to do that

[43:50]soon now in 2 miles take Exit 11 for US

[43:53]31 East toward Kentucky 90 West US 68

[43:56]West

[43:58]and now I'll never be able to and it

[44:00]just breaks my

[44:02]heart the there are very few things in

[44:05]life that

[44:06]I as far as possessions go that I care

[44:08]about and that was number one like it

[44:11]was number one if that was the only

[44:14]possession I could have ever own that

[44:15]thing they went with me everywhere I

[44:17]went it did not matter what my situation

[44:19]was my journals came with me like I

[44:23]can't imagine a worst loss it is

[44:25]devastating to me

[44:28]I'm just I'm so heartbroken about it but

[44:31]it's done and there's nothing I can do

[44:33]about it they're gone

[44:35]forever we're home Al's already playing

[44:38]feels

[44:42]nice no time at all already playing we

[44:45]just got

[44:46]here already destroying

[44:51]stuff Bailey's over there I made a big

[44:55]mess bring our something but I'll get it

[44:56]clean cleaned

[44:57]up they're doing good very

[45:02]happy so it wasn't stressfree driving

[45:05]home but I mean the longer you know I

[45:08]went on the worst Bailey got but it was

[45:10]a lot better than all the other times

[45:13]Oliver was just chilled the whole time

[45:15]he's been chill every single time so

[45:18]far I think they're going to embrace

[45:20]this life with me I'm really really

[45:22]happy about that I mean we are days away

[45:25]from our next leg of our trip our next

[45:28]Campground and then one week there and

[45:30]then after that every 2 to 3 days we are

[45:33]somewhere else until we get to

[45:35]Nevada I

[45:38]am I am very hopeful and happy and

[45:41]excited

[45:44]and a little bit scared maybe I don't

[45:47]know um depends on the moment I guess

[45:51]but mostly I'm just thrilled absolutely

[45:53]thrilled things are just I'm really

[45:55]thrilled

[45:57]it's been a long day um so this is you

[46:00]know I'm going to get stuff organized in

[46:01]here and I will talk to you guys

[46:04]tomorrow on day 13 I hope you guys have

[46:06]a good

[46:20]night you guys having fun down

[46:23]there said a had butt

[46:30]Oliver hey

[46:32]Oliver here go Bailey up to the

[46:37]bed

[46:39]Oliver I'm going to get your

[46:43]toy yeah I get my

[46:49]toy I love my cats they're everything to

[46:53]me

Summary

The speaker shares a humorous story about mistaking their own RV for someone else's, then reflects on a contemplative Pride experience focused on toxic family dynamics. They discuss booking campgrounds for a journey to Nevada, deciding against dental work due to cost ($10,000), and expressing uncertainty about their place in the world while acknowledging health concerns from smoking and poor diet.

The speaker provides an extensive account of their abusive father, describing emotional manipulation, boundary violations, and childhood trauma. They explain how their father's move into their house derailed their life, causing them to lose their home, job, and online gaming community leadership role. The narrative includes details about being gay in an unsupportive family environment and being kicked out of the house as a form of abandonment.

During the drive, they successfully transport their two cats (Oliver and Bailey) without carriers for the first time, allowing them to roam freely in the car. The cats adapt well to this arrangement, with Oliver watching scenery and Bailey exploring. The speaker expresses grief over losing their journals (approximately 30 of them) which were accidentally thrown away by their mother during a house cleanup. They describe this as a devastating loss since the journals documented a significant period of their life and helped with their poor memory.

The transmission ends with arrival at their destination, cats settling in well, and the speaker expressing excitement about upcoming travel plans to Nevada while acknowledging some fear about the journey ahead.

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission operates as a real-time integration of systemic rupture while under the pressure of physical movement and transition. The field is processing paternal trauma patterns, sovereignty emergence, and infrastructural adaptation simultaneously, using the cats as both grounding anchors and complexity multipliers within the mobile container.

Dominant Language

derailed my lifeI had to leavedestroyed my spiritabandoning themI doubt myselfthey're everything to me

Symbolic Elements

thresholdcontainermirroranchormovementrupture

Ontological States

•
transitional
•
integrating
•
sovereign
•
embedded

Subsystems

•
cognitive
•
emotional
•
relational
•
infrastructural
•
somatic

Transmission Details

Source Type

local

Video Quality

1920 × 1080 @ 60fps

Duration

46:56

Bitrate

3643 kbps

Codec

avc1.64002a